memories.

memories are like bullets. some whiz by and spook you. others tear you open and leave you in pieces.

unfortunately, most of mine are the second kind. 

but it's good to get it all out on the table, as painful as it is. crying is good meghan. it gets negative emotions out, so your hands don't get more screwed up, and your wrists don't suffer (3 weeks <3). crying shows that you've gone through difficult things. it shows that you have feelings. it shows you're alive. 

if you feel pain more than 4 weeks after a break-up, you were already in love.

dang it... :(

Christ is my rock, my redeemer, my everything.

i sort of love sundays now. i never thought i would actually say that before. i mean, i hated church. i hated the people in ward. i hated everything about sundays. but now, i don't. my sunday schedule:
6:00-8:30: chores.
9-12: real church(: my favorite part of the week.
1-4: church with my parents.
my parents and i made a deal. i could go to my church every week as long as my homework was all done and my chores are done. the first couple of weeks, i was terrified, and went to the main service and left. but one week, i made a friend. his name is nate and he invited me to the youth service after the main service. it's called "redefined high school" and it's been the best thing for me. the main focus is having good, positive, uplifting relationships with Christ. He has to be the center of your life, and when you put Him center, everything else falls into place or out of importance. i have also learned a lot about having positive relationships with my peers. it's hard to find people in my school or neighborhood who have the same beliefs as me, because i am no longer LDS, but i have learned to be friends with people who are accepting of me. does that mean i'm not the major source of missionary work? no, it doesn't. does that mean that some people don't want to be in the same room as me? yes, it does. but, that's their loss. i know what i believe. and i'm going to stand up for my beliefs, and share them with others, without forcing anything. eventually, God will show them the truth of my words, and they'll know. 
but, today, in youth services, we talked about dealing with the "missionary efforts". sam and kit are so cute in how they described it. you have to listen to their message. listen and take note of the similarities. tell them of the similarities in your beliefs, and then say very kindly, "i already have my beliefs, but thank you so much for sharing with me yours." and then walk away. when they're in missionary mode, they won't be listening to your beliefs, so you have to just walk away. oh sam and kit. they are kind of my new role models. i sort of think i want to be a youth ministry leader when i "grow up". i told sam and kit that today, and they said i already am. by having a positive attitude about the whole situation with my family, and how strong i already am, considering how new i am to the ministry, i am being a strong role model to not only the other youth, but also the children and the adults. oh, speaking of which, i'm helping with the main service next week:/ sharing my conversion story and how i'm staying strong when so many people are telling me to be otherwise. i'm nervous, but i have God on my side(: not really anything to worry about.
well, i'm off to my parents church now. positive attitude is everything(: 


ooh ooh ooh!!! guess what! i might be going on a mission to russia this summer! sooo excited(:

meghan is in a creative mood.

Inside these four walls, I am Queen of something. There are dragons (of course, there are always dragons) but I am aware now of the sword between my shoulder blades. I can feel myself unfolding like newborn legs. Now all that’s left is the walking, now all that’s left is the running straight to you, the heart of the matter.
I am asked, What was life like before he arrived? I couldn’t focus one thought at a time. The mouth of the world was constantly open, filling with falling snow. Everything was measured, everything was slow, but I was told the marrow in my bones could glow if the light hit them right; so I spent my days trying to adjust the angle of the sun. And I spent my nights trying to find my voice, which I had buried years before in the back of a drawer, under leaves and tears and the remains of choice.

great ending to a.. not so great day.

i love the smell of my hairspray(: yumm.

i'd go back in time and change it, but i can't. so if the chain is on your door, i understand.

sitting on my bathroom floor, sobbing, i realized something. i love him. i still love him. through everything. and i was doing exactly what he is doing. we're pretending nothing happened because it hurts too bad. we're "loving" other people because it's easier that way. easier than living with the hole. i hurt him. i hurt him a lot. i understand that. and if he can't forgive that hurt, i understand that too. "maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming, but if we loved again, i swear i'd love you right." ... i love you.. still. i miss you.. and nothing will change that..

i miss her..

sometimes, the dreams come back. and i wake up sobbing. last night was one of those nights.

sometimes, i forget to take my medicine.

and the world falls apart.
the end.


p.s. my hands are okay, for anyone who was worried. just bruised(:

secret (well, not secret now.) wants:

1. to get my belly button pierced.
2. to get an infinity sign tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. (lots of symbolism, i'll explain some other day. haha)
3. to have julianne hough's hair.
4. to actually have my ears pierced. that's really going to happen someday.

person of interest.

meghan's day:
hot chocolate. well, sort of. haha
fuzzy blankets.
criminal minds.
csi.
person of interest.
nurses being scared silly.
me laughing at them.
explaining over and over that this is what i want to do when i grow up.
it was just a great day(:


p.s. my brother is a beast. yeah. he's training with the high school football team. yeah buddy(:

loving my life(:

thursday. what a day. haha what a day.

you're, like, a totally open book.

people always think they know other people, but they don't. not really. i mean, maybe they know things about them, like they won't eat doughnuts, or they like action movies or whatever. but they don't know what their friends do in their rooms alone at night or what happened to them when they were kids or if they feel sad for no reason at all.

i feel like the universe is just trying see how far i bend before i break.

i stepped on my hand in PE today. aanndd skinned my elbow doing the army crawl. AND got a wicked bruise on my knee doing who knows what. that, combined with the strange mind numbing pain in my rib cage, i'm thoroughly convinced i'm awesome. that is all.


i am almost to the danger zone. i can't wait.

"why?" is the wrong question. ask "why not?"

maybe i like being like this. maybe i like seeing the numbers roll off the scale. maybe i like feeling empty. maybe, just maybe, i want to be thin again.


"make sure your daughter eats something today." - my mom to my dad
"but i'm not hungry." - me.
"too bad." - mom.
"you can't force her. remember what brenda said? she's having a break from reality and needs us to be supportive without being pushy." - dad.
"i'm still standing here." - me.
"oh." - dad and mom together.
good thing i'm invisible now too. 

you're too pretty to be single.

probably the worst pick up line in the book. 
no, i'm too pretty to be cheated on, lied to, and stabbed in the back. i'm smarter than to fall for stupid pick lines these days. you gotta try harder than that. i'm not desperate. thanks(:

my brother = amazing.

my ribs are swollen for who knows what reason. i can't breathe without wanting to cry. it hurts to move. but, my cute little brother, trying to make me feel better, said, "i'll make you brownies!" 
i love my brother(:

things i would rather do than go to school tomorrow.

1. sleep.
2. blog until my fingers bleed.
3. swim in a pool infested with parhanas.
4. be tickled.
5. eat every item of food in my house.
6. watch every sappy chick flick known to man and cry until my tear ducts can't take any more crying.
7. play wacky 6 with a robot who has razors for hands.
8. clean my brother's bathroom. with a toothbrush.
9. stand outside for 16 hours in a blizzard.
10. die.


please. no school. ever. i'm dropping out and moving to vegas to play blackjack. who is with me? 

truthfully, at this moment in time i don't have any problems. not a single one.

it took me a while to understand the beauty of just letting go.  but i just did. it seems like when things fall apart, true colors shine through. yeah, i lied. so did you. WAY more than me. and so, while you're pretending you don't care about me, dissing me all over the internet, starting rumors, i'm sitting here thinking "when did i go back to junior high?" so grow up, move on, have fun with your girlfriend, and stop. trying. to. make. my. life. miserable. for 2 reasons: 1.) it's not working and just wasting your energy. and 2.) you're giving me unwanted attention. i just want to have fun with my friends, who are going to be there for me, through everything. thank you.


oh! speaking of friends. i have the best ones. kems, never gave up on me. she's the cutest, sweetest girl ever, and yes. i do love her. sky, totally turned around my day yesterday. he always knows how to make me happy. britt, trusts me. our heart-to-hearts remind me that i'm not alone, even when i feel like i am. kenna, doesn't care that i'm a little bit out there, and she can make me laugh until i cry. no joke. i just have the best friends a girl could ever ask for. they've forgiven me for the mistakes i've made and we are all now the best friends ever. i love them all!!


p.s. you remember those i love you more fights we used to get into? yeah. looks like i won.

happiness is something that multiplies when it is divided.

best. day. ever. oh my heck. first, helped some dancers with their choreography(: always fun. and i spent basically the whole day hanging with my bestie(: ((skyler.)) teeheehee. aaanndd, kenna and i took 106 pictures on sky's computer and plastered them all over! his desktop and his screensaver now have our faces(: teeheehee. oh and then i went over to their house to hang out (i was super nervous for some reason. i'm never nervous.) but it was way fun! we played wacky 6, sky and i were on a team and it was awesome(: and then we played this dance game. his family is so cute, his little sister sage told me i am an angel(: how cute is that? and his little brother trevor is totally exactly like me. sorta dumb blonde at times, just adorable(: and of course kenna and i took more pictures(: it was just like the best day ever. not to mention i cleaned bathrooms. always fun(: 

winterfest tomorrow! can't wait to see kems! (:

please, please, please let my best be good enough this time.

life is too short to be unhappy. you only live once. you gotta do what makes you happy. and, sometimes, what makes you happy isn't being smart or logical, it's going with the flow, and doing things that you love. every minute you spend unhappy, is 60 seconds of perfect happiness you threw away. 


yeah, i went out and danced in the rain last night, until i was completely drenched and couldn't feel any of my body. was it smart? no. was it fun? yes. now, i sound like a dying frog (well, the cold i caught mixed with all the screaming i did at the game last night). but you know what? i was happy. i am happy. and i will continue to be happy. thank you.

my blog. you, no, touchy.

all i'm gonna say, if the government shuts down my blog, i'm gonna shut down the government. they got another thing coming if they try to mess with me. uh. yeah.

well, here we go again.

i'm scared. again. and i shouldn't be. but i am. we'll see how this goes. yayy...

more drip, drip, dripping.

more blood being yanked out of my body. more needles, more dizzy heads. just a day in the life of a sick girl. 

when you love someone.. -valentine's day.

today, i learned something from the most sappy chick-flick of all time. i thought i'd hate it. i really did think i would hate this movie into oblivion and never want to see it. i HATE valentine's day. and i HATE stupid chick flicks when i feel like this, but i gotta say, i love this movie. one of my favorites. it has such an amazing story. one of my favorite stories is of estelle and edgar. estelle finally tells edgar she had an affair, and edgar freaks out, as anyone would, but he forgives her, and they have a touching scene in a cemetery. i cried. no joke. but here's my favorite quote(:
When you love someone, you love all of them... you gotta love everything about them, not just the good things but the bad things too. The things that you find lovable and the things you don't.
-Estelle

no, he's not my boyfriend. he's my best friend(:

there are 2 boys in my life who keep getting mixed up as my boyfriend. no, i don't have a boyfriend. i am currently single, and will be for quite a while. i just so happen to have 2 best friends who are boys. and they're the best friends i could ask for(: thanks sky and chandler, for being there(:

oh, talking is a good thing.

it's amazing how much better i feel after therapy. yeah, everything is still the same. i still can't eat. i still can't sleep. i still feel like everything and everyone in the world is bent on destroying me, even my emotions. i still feel all those things. but, just the simple act of sharing that with someone who i know won't judge me, and who genuinely cares about me and my well being, well, it's an amazing feeling. everyone needs to find someone they can talk to about anything. it's important.

let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

at least i don't have to go to the hospital to get shit pumped into me. at least now i get to get needles poked into me in the comfort of my bedroom. at least now i can lay in my own bed when i feel like dying, not some cold hospital bed. at least now, i'm dying comfortably. 

i've been traveling on this road too long.

i'm done. i'm done eating. i'm done sleeping. i'm done. game over. i can't do it anymore. i'm not going to eat if i'm just going to throw it up. i'm done with tests. i'm done with sleeping with nightmares. i'm done dreaming about stupid people i don't care about anymore. i'm done being haunted by people in my dreams. i'm done with everything. i will pray. if you could pray for me that would be great, but i'm done. it's in God's hands now. maybe it's just time for me to go home.

i'm still fly, sky high.

and i dare anyone to cut my wings, i'm still doin' my thing.

just because i'm happy...

doesn’t mean that my life is perfect. 
doesn’t mean that the person I love feels the same way. 
doesn’t mean that I find myself beautiful. 
doesn’t mean that I get what I want all the time. 
doesn’t mean that a loved one I really do miss has come back. 
doesn’t mean that I’m having the best day. 
doesn’t mean that I haven’t lost a loved one.
doesn’t mean that I never felt I wasn’t good enough. 
doesn’t mean that I was never doubted or put down. 
doesn’t mean that I had never thought of suicide.
doesn’t mean that I have all the brand name clothing.
doesn’t mean that life has met my expectations. 

Happiness is a choice, sometimes. And even though life may be difficult, I had remembered to keep my head up high because there are enough sad and hateful people in the world. I may just be one person, but why give up when you could hope? 

bulletproof

stupid exboyfriends... no, i don't have a boyfriend right now. no, that doesn't give you the opportunity to stalk me incessantly or call me beautiful, or ask me to make out with you. no. that's not what it means.

this is for you, linds(: head up girly. you're beautiful.

her eyes don't light up when she hears your name anymore. she doesn't get chills when you walk by and her heart doesn't race when you smile at her. you don't get to her like you used to. you're just a bad memory in the back of her mind. so don't be surprised next time you make your way past her and she doesn't even glance your way. and don't bother trying to talk to her, you won't get a response. she's over fighting the same losing battle. the saddest part is that you have no one to blame but yourself. she gave you every chance you could ask for. and you fucked up every time. now she walks around with nothing but a smile on her face, and she laughs louder than ever before. looks like you lost her bro.

today.

someday no one will remember she even existed i wrote in my journal, and then, or that i did. because memories fall apart, too. and then you're left with nothing, left with not even a ghost but with its shadow. in the beginning, she haunted me, haunted my dreams, but now, just weeks later, she is slipping away. falling apart in my memory, and everyone elses. she's dying again.

wise words from a friend.

so we will ignore each other, and pretend we never happened, but, deep down, both of us know it wasn't supposed to happen like this.

cracks being to show.

favorite song. jussayin.

fashion post for yesterday??

someone emailed me and asked where my fashion post for yesterday was. here's the thing. yesterday: bad day. and i stayed in my pjs literally ALL day. bad news bears.


tips: girls, ankle boots are coming back in! so, dust them off and start rocking those kicks(:
boys, i know they say no white shoes after labor day, but white tailored jackets are totally hot right now.

i need a new list.

my sleep schedule sucks. (see last post)

i was so excited because i got to sleep in until 9 today. needless to say, i was awake well before then. like at 5:14 before then. stupid body.. get with the program here. 

also, i have run out of things on my "easy to digest foods" list. i've tried:

bananas (well, actually no. i'm allergic.)

jello.

crackers.

rice.

everything.
and the same thing happens.

and honestly, at this point, i'm willing to buy into the whole mind-body relationship jargon if that means i get to eat. so, i will be doing research and getting back to you on that. also, if anyone knows how to talk to your subconscious, let me know. cause i need to convince it to let me stay alive. yyeesshh, oh yeah. it's totally strange that my subconscious is actually tricking my brain out of doing what it's supposed to do. rule #1 for all humans, animals, everything: survive. but somehow, my body has itself thoroughly convinced that's not going to happen. stupid body. 
maybe it would be easier if i could mitigate some of the symptoms of not being able to eat. it sucks having to put on pageant girl makeup every single day to cover up how sick my face looks (and not the good kind of sick). it sucks having to wear 20 million layers to not feel cold, but still shaking all the time (i've developed a nervous habit of shaking my leg, to make it not so obvious that my whole body is shaking). oh and the not having energy thing, the hair falling out thing, all of that stuff could go away too. jussayin.

like i said. maybe some people were just made to be sick. God made me this way for a reason. maybe i was just sent here to be sick and almost die a lot of times, then, one time, actually die. before i have to worry about not getting married, or adopting my cute little russian girl. who knows? oh wait. no one. except for God(:

you interrupt my sleep, i'll interrupt your breathing.

i have had a hard time sleeping recently.
actually, i've had a hard time doing mostly everything.
i have eaten approximately 3089 calories in the past 6 days. 
yeah that's not good, in case you were wondering.
and everything i eat i throw up. so i'm dying. 
i'm so close to giving up. it's not worth it eating if i'm just going to throw it up. 
my body is on strike and it's winning. 
i've dropped another 3 pounds this week, bringing my grand total to ...
drum roll please.
112 pounds. 
i'm 5'7". 
that's not cool.
and then, today, to top of everything today, i had just gotten out of the hospital and we went to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs(: (: but we were waiting in line and this girl came up to me and told me she was so jealous of how small i was and that she wishes she could be as skinny and beautiful as i am. i wanted to die. right there. i explained that i was sick, and that i was not healthy and that she shouldn't want to be like me, because she was beautiful just the way she was. she sort of rolled her eyes and walked away. oh, did i mention she was like.. 12? tops. i wanted to die. no joke.
i'm concerned for our society. when people start being jealous of sick girls, that's when you know there's a problem. 
and, here i am, deteriorating before my eyes, trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me (something about mind-body connection maybe??), and little girls are jealous of how small i am. that makes me feel horrible. 


my stupid rant about society over, i haven't slept for more than an hour at a time in like.. a week. i can't sleep. i have nightmares and it's not good. so, i have a sign on my door that says, "dear parents/brothers/kidnappers/rapists/other-human-beings-or-aliens-or-animals-or-object-living-or-dead, you interrupt my sleep, i'll interrupt your breathing. thank you. love meghan. ps. if it's time for school, i'm not going. i hate people and don't want to see anyone today. thank you for your understanding." it's done pretty well at keeping people out and away from waking me up. although i seem to be doing a good job at waking myself up. 

we live, we die.

there were ocean waves 
big city lights 
lazy summer days 
and crazy sleepless nights 

somewhere along an open road 
we drove ourselves out of our minds 
sometimes to do the things you love 
you leave the ones you love behind 


you danced 
you drank 
you laughed 
you cried 
you went to work 
and said goodbye 
i've lived 
i learned 
stayed up all night i'll see you when the time is right again 

i got old shoes in a brand new town 
i wear 'em like they're staring, let the tongues hang out 
i'm just too loose for the same old crowd 
if i could only see your face before my souls wear out 

somewhere out on an open road 
you searched until you looked inside 
sometimes you've gotta see the world 
to find out what you left behind 

reasons to be happy #10: music volume up, world volume down.

that wonderful feeling when you put in your headphones and block out the world and everyone in it. because you simply don't want to be part of the world at the time.

mlia.

i'm bumpin some dubstep and having a crazy dance party of one in my room. normal saturday night for the anti-social(: 

(my mom is in the next room over listening to motab. haha i giggle:))

funniest text i have ever received(:

"meghan, crazy shit happens when you party naked."
oh thank you garrett. i'll be sure to remember that(:

angel full of sins

pathological lying is oftentimes a symptom of other disorders, such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Schizophrenia, and Bipolar Disorder. it can occur with no other mental disorders present as well. pathological liars do exactly that: lie. they can lie about anything and feel no remorse or guilt. they oftentimes lose relationships over their lies but do not care. in order to treat their lying, doctors oftentimes treat the underlying causes.
in my case they treated bipolar disorder. i was put on lithium and celexa, and got a slap on the wrist. only, they didn't tell me how to deal with all the people i hurt, because i lied to everyone. for years. so now, i'm here, picking up the pieces of my broken reality. what's left of what i thought i knew, what i need to make of what is real. ((this is really hard.))


poem:

You do not try to see me          
As the person that I am            
You think that I am perfect      
But perfection is a scam            

Don't look beyond my mask        
At what I am inside                  
You do not understand            
The feelings that I hide             

You say that I'm your angel      
But all you know are the lies    
Truth about the real me          
Is hidden within my eyes.          

The other side of me
The side I never show            
No way to understand            
No way for you to know              

Your mistaken perfection          
I'm an angel full of sins              
It's all a first impression            
It's a game I always win             

if it's meant to be, God will always find a way.

it might not be tomorrow, and it might not be next week. maybe not even next year, but somehow, someway, God will make it happen. because as much as we want to, we can't change what He has planned for us(:

what is there without the fight?

a wise comment on one of my posts. and it's true. we gain no strength through easy things. if everything in life was easy, and we always got what we wanted, then we'd never get stronger. we'd never know what it's like to fight for what we want. and what is more exhilarating than getting what you've fought so hard for?

story of my life.

some people were just made to be sick i guess(: back in the hospital. more tests. more tests. always more tests. you'd think they'd run out of tests eventually, but they never do. there's always some other machine they can run me through, or some other solution they can drip, drop my blood into. and it's funny cause they always come up with the same thing: nothing. i think that because i can't eat anything at all, there is something wrong. idiots. but i don't blame them. maybe i'm just a freak of nature(: but i'm dealing with it, you know? i've gotten used to needles being stuck in me. seeing my own blood. made friends with most of the nurses and techs. the stuff they shove into me to keep me from dying makes my nose smell funny, and the anti-nausea medication makes my mouth taste funny, but it's either that, or dying. so i'm quite okay with the current situation(: but, the docs are still concerned with how i'm dropping weight. i can't eat, i'm working out again cause i'm dancing again, even my protein shakes aren't staying down. the bread i try to force down with my meds comes back up about just as fast, which means my meds probably aren't even staying down long enough to do anything. it's a long, complicated process. ALSO, hunger pains only come when you first start feeling them. after a while, they go away and there is just an emptiness left. it almost makes me nauseous because there's nothing in there. that's why it feels like that. my arms are getting thinner. my legs losing their attractive appeal. i don't even have the energy to get out of beds some days. but you know what? God doesn't give us more than we can handle. strong believer in that. so, i'm going to smile, and live my life. God knows i can be strong through this, so i will(:

hate the sin, love the sinner.

never have truer, smarter words been spoken. while i lay in this bed, not wanting to move, looking up quotes, i am thinking about all the times i have forgiven people who probably didn't deserve forgiveness. why would you forgive someone who hurt you? it really doesn't make sense until you think about the bigger picture. God loves everyone, even the sinners. when we sin, we hurt Him. but He is always there, with open arms, ready for us to come back to Him. so, with that in mind, it only makes sense to forgive those who hurt us. hate that they hurt us, but love them. because if God has the ability to forgive our sins, then we should have the ability to forgive the sins of others.

i'm happy because i deserve to be.

time is all we havein this life. time. and every second, we get closer and closer to not having any time left. life is an hourglass glued to the table and there is no amount of praying, or wishing, or hoping that is going to make you have more time. so why then, with such limited time, would you not go after and do the things that make you happy? why would you not do everything in your power to make yourself completely and totally happy? does that make sense to you? 

there are some things in life you simply can't walk away from ruined.

friends. never leave them without them knowing you still care. because you never know when it's going to be the last time you see them.
family. say i love you too much. remind them everyday. because someday, you might wake up and they might all be gone.
love. when you love someone, i mean truly love someone, never, ever leave that ruined without making an effort to fix it. love is doing everything you can to make it work. 
life. you can't do life halfway. all the way guys. all the way. it's so much funner than way(:

simple things.

we all make life far more compplicated than it needs to be, or is. in all reality life is simple, but we make it so difficult. it doesn't need to be this way, but we make it this way. so i have constructed a small list of simple things we can do.
-the simplest way to be happy is to let go of the things that make you sad.
-the simplest way to be happy is to be with the person who makes you the happiest, no matter your past together, or how much you've been hurt.
-the simplest way to be happy is just simply. live. life.

all i'm gonna say:

this is going to happen.
jussayin'.

teeheehee yay(:

best friday the 13th ever(: 

reasons to be happy #9: drake.

who couldn't love this guy? a.) he's hott. but that's besides the point(: b.) he totally speaks the truth. he's one of the most real rappers, if not THE most real rapper, i've ever heard(:

today is my day to make something beautiful.

today, i am going to do great things.

nothing is going to stand in my way(:

i feel beautiful and i'm going to show the world who i am.

today i have a busy day(: i'm going to talk to my modeling agent about some shoots i might get to do(: ((one of the only good things about being sick and losing weight is that i can fit into some clothes i couldn't before:))) and then, i have dance. until like... 6?ish. and then, i MIGHT get to go to the boys game tonight(: i love watching basketball. it makes me happy. haha so, yeah. good friday the 13th? i think yes(:

true friends know the value of simple memories.

my grandma, for christmas, gave each of us gratitude journals. the gist is to every night, before you go to bed, make a list of things you are grateful for, with the thought that, the next morning, everything you didn't put on the list, you wouldn't have. there are things that are constant on my list: my warm home, my bed, my family, my toothbrush, yummy food, water, etc. normal gratitude list things. but then i got to thinking. what if i woke up and had absolutely no friends? what if everyone i cared about all of a sudden didn't remember i existed or something? what if? so tonight, i writing that in my gratitude journal that i am grateful for my friends, and those around me that keep my life interesting and fun. but i am going to write 2 names in specific. these kids are the main reason i am still here today. they are the biggest role models, and confidants i have and i love them both to death. they are my best friends, and their names are Skyler Johansen and Chandler Merkley. yes, there were times when we weren't very good friends. yes, there were times when we fought. but, you know what? they are the best best friends a girl could ask for. these 2 boys have been there for me through someone very rough things. skyler has talked me out of killing myself at least twice. chandler is just always there, whenever i need him. and there are wonderful memories with both of them. chandler taking me to my junior prom. skyler and that spring break (bahaha sky, good memories:)) and no. our friendships have not been easy. i have gotten my heartbroken by both of these boys. it's probably no coincidence that i still love them both to death. they are my best friends, and i am so grateful for them. so tonight, before you fall asleep, please just think of what you are grateful for. and tell them. tell anyone. tell God you are grateful for what you have. there is nothing that brings more joy than a heart full of gratitude. and gratitude is the key to happiness. so, if you would like to be happy, truly happy, be grateful for every little thing in your life. and never let the people you love forget you are grateful for them.

numero uno(: ((my spanish is getting way better. i'm re-teaching myself teeheehee))

my outfit today(:

alright. break down. 
large, loose, flowy off the shoulder shirt, with matching colorful tank top underneath (secretly just to cover up my bra straps, but it's colorful too, so it's a 2 for 1!! :)) ripped skinnies. very LA actually, but not so good in the winter cold of Utah, jussayin. and my favorite moccasins. and if you couldn't tell my hair is curly. yay for curly hair(:




tips: girls, curly hair is on it's way back in for everyday. no longer is the pin straight look the only look. remember that(:
boys, tee shirts over long sleeved hoodies seems to be big right now. go for it(: just make sure the 2 colors of the tee shirt and hoodie match.

reasons to be happy #8: new daily post.

i had this genius idea(:
since i'm helping with a fashion blog and have to document my daily outfits anyways, i decided to post random pictures of my outfits everyday, plus *bonus* fashion tips, from yours truly(: yayyyy for happiness!! (: oh, and i found a video. i shall be sharing it with you shortly(:

Tonight I'm happy. I will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

one day at a time. that's how i'm living.
today was one of the best days in a while. it's amazing how just curling your hair gives you an air of confidence i really can't put my fingers on. it's amazing. but i love the feeling(: it's enough to make me just want to actually do my hair everyday. oh wait. bahaha that's funny(: anyways, i was confident, i looked good today if i do say so myself,. and i got paid today(: went shopping. bought totally HOTT new jeans(: maybe i'll post pictures someday. haha but yeah. then, i got home and there was a box for me on the porch from milan! haha (not so weird, cause that's where i work. well, i work here, but the magazine is in milan. funny sorry. haha.) but yeah. there was a box and i opened it and there was the CUTEST bag ever in it(: new fave. haha it's totally adorable. but there was a letter from vincenzo, my international modeling agent. because everyone needs one of those ;) he found me a fashion designer who is interested in some of my portfolio pieces and would like me to help him with a shoot when he's here in america next month!! eep!(: this is crazy. but yeah. the bag was one of this guys pieces. it's gorgeous. jussayin. andd i'm hanging out with my family tonight, and it's just been an overall fantastic day(: ooooohhhh and i got music(: dubstep and rap and hang-banging hard rock(: yay(:

reasons to be happy #7: basketball.

i've come to appriciate the sport(: i guess partially because my brothers love basketball, and because my last 3 boyfriends have been basketball players. but i realized i love the sport. now that i understand it, it's really fun to watch(: although, i do have a bad habit of getting too into it(: but, i am starting to play too. i'm starting with just street ball with some kids in my neighborhood, but, you know, it's something(: they say i'm good too. i think it's just cause i watch people enough to see their weaknesses. but maybe i am good(: never know. haha

if you don't like it, leave.

someone asked me today why the sudden change in posts, on both my tumblr and my blog. i went from "being all depressed and stuff to happy, sunshine all the time, peppy, love yourself, fake crap." ummm, first, it's not fake. i really am happy. jussayin. also, why is it so weird that i'm happy? can't i be happy? isn't it okay for me to be happy? how come you can be happy, but not me? they were just confused because there has been a lot of sad things happening to me, but i am still happy. i have every right to be upset, but i'm not. that makes me strong, or something, not crazy. yes, i am upset that my heart was broken into a million pieces. does that mean i hate my life? no. yes, i am upset that my best friend killed herself. does that mean i'm unhappy all the time? no. (she wouldn't want that, by the way. she'd actually be upset with me if i was super unhappy over her death.) yeah, my last month/month and  a half has been hell. but that doesn't give me any reason to be unhappy, okay? and if you don't like my happiness, then you don't have to read my blog. you don't have to look at my tumblr. easy as that(:

reasons to be happy #6: dubstep.

i literally feel like i could conquer the world right now. 
yes. yes i do.


p.s. youtube. now. drake - over dubstep remix. my fave. ooh ooh or so vexed by funtcase. oooorrrr pink elephants by daladubz. so good(:

how you get tired after you've been crying.

it's like your body telling you, "you've suffered enough. now it's time to shut down for a little bit." i honestly do not think crying makes you weak. i think crying is perfectly normal, and HEALTHY. anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot. there is a time when it's not healthy, yes. but when you're feeling broken into a million pieces, it's normal to cry. when your grandma died, crying is normal. dog died, normal. sad news, normal. when you cry about EVERYTHING, not normal. but when you don't cry at all, that's disconcerting too. but crying is your way of saying, "you know what? this is a hard thing. and i have negative emotions i need to get out." and so you cry. it doesn't mean you're a baby, or you can't handle your life. it means you are dealing with it positively. sometimes, it's either cry, or kill someone. crying is a normal, human response to sadness, and i think our society makes it out to be this horrible disease. it's not. it's a good way for your body to deal with sadness. 
so CRY. it's normal. it's natural. it's perfectly fine.
and you will feel better. you'll smile and not worry about life anymore. it'll be good, promise. 
head up little one. better days are sure to come(:

happiness does not come to those who are not grateful for what they have.

things i am currently grateful for (in no specific order:)
my toothbrush, keeps my teeth clean and meghan happy(:
my bed, it's warm and comfy(:
my therapist, i don't know how that woman knows so much about my brain.
my parents, they care about me, even though i hurt them so much.
my bible, it's not as worn as some. it's still really new. but it's getting there(: and it's my source of inspiration whenever i'm struggling with anything.
my God, He's only as far away as i push him away, and He's always there to help me through anything. i would not have gotten through these last few weeks with even a shred of sanity were it not for Him.
music. because as much as life sucks, and as hard as it is, music can always make me happy. always. no matter what(:
another thing i am sooo grateful for is maddie. she's the cutest, sweetest girl ever. she's helped me through a lot of crap. and she taught me that love is possible, through everything. her and hayden are the cutest, sweetest couple ever. and their relationship shows me that love is possible, against all odds. 
i'm grateful for mountain dew, because it helps me stay awake during the long days following the long nights with nightmares. 
my laptop, so i can post on my blog, so i can get my feelings out, so they don't hurt me(:
my DBT packet, cause it helps me deal with my emotions that i don't know how to deal with.
POPCORN! because hearing it popping is the most calming thing ever, and popcorn is most delicious.
also, i'm grateful for carrots and celery. i've basically been living on them. it's not healthy(: haha

reasons to be happy #5: tumblr.

it's true. i'm a little bit addicted. but it shows my heart. this blog is my thoughts. my tumblr is my heart.
midnightswagger.tumblr.com

happiness: post of the day.

“life is like a piano, the white keys represent happiness and the black keys show sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys also create music.”


sometimes, you've just got to fake a smile until that smile turns real. and you just might be surprised at how little time that actually takes.

decisions, decisions.

some women choose to follow a man. some women choose to follow their dreams. if you're wondering which way to go, remember your career will never wake up and tell you it doesn't love you anymore.
-lady gaga


i don't want to completely give up on love forever. that's not what i was sent here to do. duh. a career is important too, but i was made to love and be loved. 
i just don't want this to make me hard, so i'm not going to let it. i'm going to love with my whole heart, everyday, until, someday, i'm going to find someone worth my love(:

i've never lived in one place for so long.

for the first time in a while, there isn't some place i'd rather, no vague notion of love or could be love attatched to every "missing" statement, or a grand encounter with possibility across my horizon.
i am not trying to gap the bridge between spaces or stretch the points on a map to give me new perspectives, counting miles on dashboards or saving dollars for tickets. 
instead, i am just here - settled and settling - learning slowly how to build a home on stable ground, an earth worth digging roots into, this odd display of lights and movement, no longer looking forward to the next chance to pack my bags, trying to remain and take comfort in the fact that i will continue to remain right where i am.

pain changes people.

sometimes for the worse. 
sometimes for the better.
this time,
it's for the better.

reasons to be happy #4: my current playlist.

Lovelier than you - B.O.B.
Look at Me Now - Chris Brown
How to Love - Lil' Wayne
Houstalantavegas - Drake
Lighters - Eminem
Over - Drake
Trust Issues - Drake
The Real Slim Shady - Eminem
Up All Night - Drake
Fuck Food - Tech N9ne
Thank Me Now - Drake
The Show Goes On - Lupe Fiasco
Successsful - Drake
Bad Meets Evil - Eminem
Never Forget You - Lupe Fiasco
Superstar - Wiz Khalifa
I Need a Doctor - Dr. Dre
Mirror - Lil' Wayne
Hurt Me Soul - Lupe Fiasco
Senior Skip Day - Mac Miller
Still Don't Give a Fuck - Eminem
He Say She Say - Lupe Fiasco
Bad Day - Chiddy Bang
8 Mile - Eminem
Smile Back - Mac Miller
Diary - Wale
5 O'clock - T. Pain
Can I Fly - B.O.B.
I Ball - Lil' Wayne
Good Evening - Mac Miller
Here We Go - Chiddy Bang
Just a Kid - Mac Miller
My Darlin' Baby - Lil' Wayne
Mind Your Manners - Chiddy Bang
I Made It - Jay Z
Kool Aid and Frozen Pizza - Mac Miller


genius. 
pure, blissful, happiness.

meghan's ABC's of genuine happiness.

Accept your reality.
Be present. Be bold.
Create something beautiful.
Drink plenty of water. Dance.
Exercise daily. Eat fresh, healthy foods.
Feel your emotions. Feel fear.
Go outside and observe nature. Give.
Hug often. Help others.
Ignite your passions.
Jump through your comfort zone.
Kiss passionately. Keep moving forward.
Laugh. Love. Learn to let go.
Meditate daily. Make goals.
Never give up on what you want.
Observe beauty. Own a pet.
Pray. Paint. Play an instrument.
Quit a bad habit. Quiet your mind.
Read. Relax. Reinvent yourself.
Smile. Sleep. Simplicity.
Take power naps. Talk wisely.
Unleash your strengths.
Vent. Visualize your dreams and future.
Walk. Write. Watch the sunset.
Xerox your smiling face.
Yell less. Yield to your thoughts.
Zap negativity.


repeat.
everyday.

easy.

It's easy going out on a Friday night
Easy every time I see him out
I can smile, live it up
The way a single girl does
But what he, what he don't know
Is how hard it is to make it look so

Damn easy.

it's getting easy.

that's great(:

Reasons to be happy #3: There's still a month until Valentine's Day(:

love is the only astonishing thing left in life.


what does Valentine's Day mean to you?
-acid reflux. 
i love this movie(:

reasons to be happy #2: you're perfect.

glitter in my veins and hot pink through and through.
remember that?
like a boss.

reasons to be happy #1: simply because you can.

i'm not a self-help book, i'm just a fucked up kid.
i had to take my own advice and i did.
now, i'm wait for it to sink in.
expect me standing tall, back against the wall.
cause what i learned was
it's not about forcing happiness,
it's about not letting the sadness win.


local man ruins everything - the wonder years.

if "plan A" doesn't work, there are still 25 more letters of the alphabet. stay cool.

you deserve to be with someone who is going to make you happy. not sad. someone who is going to be there with you through everything. someone who will understand you make mistakes. someone who is willing to accept who you are, all your flaws included.


i tell this to everyone who is struggling over a relationship. it's what i always say, but why do i not think this for myself? why am i so stuck on one boy? because i'm afraid. i'm terrified no one is ever going to love me again. 
and yeah, i have problems. but i'm dealing with them. i'll be better than normal someday. having bipolar is a gift, not a curse. when the emotional stuff settles down, i'm still going to be brilliant. i'm still going to be creative. i'm still going to change the world. and i can do all of that by myself. i really can conquer the world without anyone. i can change the way people view mental illness, i can change the way people treat people. and that's what i'm going to do. because i'm strong enough. because i've been to hell and back. that's why. i love my life. i love that i have bipolar disorder, because i feel emotion more than other people. i can relate to a very, very wide range of people. i can relate to depressed people. i can relate to people in their happiest moments, because, i've felt it. i've felt all of it. 
and that makes me special. that makes me something not many people can fall in love with. and, when the day comes that someone loves me, my weird quirks and emotional problems included, then he'll be the one. he'll be the one i spend my life with. because he won't leave when things get hard. and maybe He really is the one. maybe God really did have something in mind for us, and we both need to mature a little, and that'll be great. and if not, that's wonderful too. i have a lot of growing to do before i'll be ready to even let boys back in. and He has growing to do too. we all do, everyone.

and then, i woke up.

One of the scariest feelings in life is when you realize you aren't afraid to die. You don't look when you cross the road anymore. When you take pills you take however many come out. You're not afraid when you hear those creepy creaking noises in your house anymore, because you hope they'll get you. You seek out dangerous things, because you want to die. You stop caring about yourself, totally and completely. Nothing about you matters anymore, and at some point you look at yourself and become scared of yourself. Because you're a monster, one who only hurts itself. And that's scary.


but, you know, it takes a big person to walk away. it takes a strong person to leave everything you've ever known. for me, that meant getting new friends. that meant locking myself in my room so i know i can't run across the street. that means keeping all knives, scissors, razors, etc. locked in a cupboard. that means talking to brenda. being honest with brenda. telling brenda, a complete stranger, all about my fears and thoughts and what i think of people and what i think of myself. 


that's scary.
opening up is scary. but it's something we have to do. it's something everyone has to do. trust someone. and if you haven't, open up. it's the most exhilarating feeling in the world. knowing you don't have to carry the weight of that burden alone. someone else is helping you. even if you just tell God. that's what i did for a long time. say, "you know what? i'm not strong enough to do this on my own anymore. please help me." that's when life starts changing. that's when you learn who you really are. that's. when. you. stop. being. afraid.

i like sleeping. it's like dying, but without the commitment.

is it weird that i still dream about you every single night?
yeah..
probably..

i hope i still have what it takes.

i put on my shoes for the first time today in 10 months. it was actually really scary. but i did it(: evidently, my reputation still precedes me. i was asked to help choreograph one song for our next recital. only, this one song, is an 10 minute masterpiece by Chopin called Ballade No. 1 in G Minor, Op. 23. maybe an easier song would have been nice.. actually, yeah. it would have. but, it's nice to know they trust me so much(: all i'm going to say is that there will be A LOT of nights spent at the studio between now and the recital. just saying. 
oh! we were doing Italian fouettes, 3 1/2 on one side, then sousou-ing and doing the other side; starting right, doing left, then right, then left. i realized just how out of shape i am. dang... it's gonna be hard getting back into this. training time for meghan(: walking on my toes, eating healthy (no more mcdonalds for a while:)), working out. time to start hitting the gym again. but, while i was getting ready for dance today, i decided i was going to post some old pictures of me and my friends from dance. since mostly no one has ever seen any of them. so, here you go(: they are all captioned i think. but blogger sucks with pictures. so they are out of order, simply because i don't want to fight with it right now. so, enjoy(:

this is clarissa,
she's an amazing dancer,
and she's gorgeous.

Nutcracker. December 2010.

one of my favorite pictures of me.
because if you know me at all,
you know i get hurt a lot(:
October 2006.
(it says "i hope you get better
before the nutcracker" :))

Senior Company Team A
September... or maybe August... 2008.
i'm on the outside right.
in orange.

Warming up.
Right before my debut recital on pointe.
I had a solo(:
AND it was my birthday(:
August 2003. I think.
I was 9(:

Today.
Taping was hard.
Idk why.
I'm out of practice I guess(:

My watercolor from 6th grade.
I just had to add it(:

my first pointe shoes(:
i still have them.
March 2003.

My mom was getting all creative.
This was right before I quit.
So...
April 2010?
Maybe.

I was 4(:
1998. Sometime.

Today. My teacher got all excited that I was back.
Now there's 3 girls.
And we can actually do full choreography.
So she took pictures of each of our pointes.
So we can see what we can work on.