story of my fucking life.

i have decided to live for me. 
because, when i don't live for me,
i'm unhappy because of something i'm doing.


when i live for me,
i am unhappy, but it's because of things beyond my control.
like people i haven't ever spoken to in my life calling me a bitch.
and my "best friend" turning on me; calling me a bitch and other very mean things.
oh, and people offering me "advice", all of which is "get back together with him now. or he's going to hurt himself and you're going to be very sorry." 
you know, that's his choice.
it always has been.
that's why i'm doing this.
to give him back his choice. 
because he's lost it.
and, until he finds it,
he won't be happy.
i'm his best friend.
i owe this much to him.


so, call me all the names you want,
make me feel like the scum of the earth,
hurt me,
hate me,
i don't care.




i hurt too...
do you think it's easy seeing my best friend fall apart like this?
because it's not.
at all.

story of the day.

i have been sobbing for 3 hours.
i can't think.
i can't breathe.
i am one "you're such a crazy bitch" text away from showing them what a crazy bitch is like.
i am going to turn off my phone, 
crawl in a ball,
and sleep.
until i graduate. 


then i won't have to deal with this anymore...

my definition of happiness.

my therapist asked me the other day what i thought happiness was. how i would describe it in words were i asked to do so. here is what i have come up with.


happiness is what happens when you go to be on the hottest night of the summer, a night so hot you can't even wear a tee-shirt and you sleep on tops of the sheets instead of under them, although try to sleep is probably more accurate. and then at some point late, late, late at night, say just a bit before dawn, the heat finally breaks and the night turns cool and when you briefly wake up, you notice that you're almost chilly, and in your groggy, half-consciousness, you read over and pull the sheet around you and just that flimsy sheet makes it warm enough and you drift back into a deep sleep. and it's that reaching, that gesture, that reflex we have to pull what's warm -- whether it's something or someone -- toward us, that feeling we get when we do that, that feeling of being safe in the world and ready for sleep, that's happiness. 


so, i ask you. what is your definition of happiness?

you put your arms around me and I'm home

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart.
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start.

You put your arms around me,
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go.
You put your arms around me and I'm home.

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown.

I hope that you see right through my walls.
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling.
I'll never let a love get so close.
You put your arms around me and I'm home.

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved.
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone.

You put your arms around me,
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go...

sometimes, you family are your only friends.

once upon a time, when mostly everyone in the world hated me for various reasons, i realized i have the cutest, spunkiest, most wonderful cousins in the whole world. 


now, sitting in the hospital waiting to hear news about my grandma (she had a heart attack this afternoon), i am remembering why i love them so much.(: 


actual conversation:


alyssa (11): "meghan, so tell me. what does your bbooyy look like?" she giggled at this point. 
taylor (9): YEAH!! what does he look like? what does he look like?" 
jessica (7): "pictures?"
me: "well i don't know. last time i showed you my boyfriend you fell in love with him. you can't steal this one away from me."
alyssa: "we won't. he's all yours. promise."
me: "okay." shows the girls pictures on my phone.
tay: "meghan! look at his muscles!" 
me: "oh i know."
jess: looks at me, then her sisters, then me. "dibs!!!" 
then she screams and runs away, the other 2 girls chasing after her, screaming things like, "nuh uh! you got roy!" or "he's mine!" or "i'm the oldest!" or "i was just gonna call dibs!"
i love my cousins.(:
make even the worst days bearable.(:

and i know we're perfect for each other.

And we’re so different. we’re hot and cold, fire and water. I’m loud, you’re quiet. I talk, you listen. I’m crazy, you’re sane. But that’s why this works… you fill in my missing pieces and I complete you… and I guess that’s why, despite the questions and the challenges, I still believe in us and I still believe in this… and as long as we have each other, I think we’ll be alright.

take a chance on my love baby. you won't go wrong.

If you are going to love me, love me deeply. 
If you break my heart, then break it all. 
If you are going to care, care for me completely. 
If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall. 
If you are going to stay, then stay forever. 
And if you want to leave, then do it today. 
If you are going to change, change for the better. 
And if you are going to talk, then please mean what you say.

so now commences awkward day.

for the following reasons:
1. i hate people.
2. i am sick. 
3. i have to go to church.
4. i have to wear actual clothes (not a fan.)
5. i have dinner with my family, who all think i'm anorexic again.
6. i am graduating from seminary..
   
overall. pretty awkward for one reason:
i'm not LDS.

i choose to be that.

just because i laugh a lot,
doesn't mean my life is easy.


just because i have a smile on my face everyday,
doesn't meant that somethings not bothering me.


i just choose to move on,
and not dwell with the negative things in my life.


every new moment gives me a chance to start anew.

sometimes, i hate my life...

we're having a mother-daughter activity for mutual tonight. there are 3 problems with that.
1: i hate people.
2: i specifically hate the people in my ward more.
3: my mom can't come with me. 


ugh...

dance quote of the day.(:

it's not about the floor. it's about what the floor lets you do. out there, i'm invincible. i can do anything. it's the only place where life makes sense.

GAHHHH!!!

all i have stuck in my head is boyfriend by justin beiber.

please kill me now.

and miles to go before i sleep.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.  
The only other sounds the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

ahhh, nothing like a little robert frost to soothe the soul.(:

bob marley: my hero.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

to all my middle school buddies.

i got asked how i survived middle school. so, here you go.


I was the girl who didn’t get invited to parties. My friends turned into the girls who stood in front of my face and talked about me like i wasn't there. Then I learned to play the piano. I literally played until my fingers bled. My mom had to tape them up, and you can imagine how popular that made me: “Look at her fingers. So weird”. But for the first time in my life, those girls could say anything they wanted about me, because I was just going to go home after school and write a song about it. So, my advice? Find something you love and do it. Never let it go because "it's weird", or "it's not the cool thing to do." Always treasure your thing in this world. Treasure your happiness when you are doing that thing. And, remember, even when it seems like everyone is turning against you, you're happier than they are, simply because you can be happy without hurting someone else.

here's the fact of the matter:

if you love someone, you tell them. it hurts the worst to love someone and not let them know. don't hide it from anyone. go into the world with your heart on your sleeve and tell people that you care about them everyday. never let anyone forget. because you saying that you love them could be the reason they don't hurt themselves. or the reasons they don't kill themselves. ALWAYS tell the people you love that you love them. ALWAYS. 

pray*

whatever you're feeling right now, good or bad, God wants to know how you're doing. give it all to him. ALL of it. He loves you.

a real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead. - marilyn monroe

she speaks the truth. it's my favorite thing in the world when skyler kisses my forehead.(: it's not really something any of my other boyfriends have done. and, he's the perfect height so that, when we're standing, my forehead is right by his lips. and it's my favorite thing ever when he kisses my forehead. and it's super cute.(: oh, i love him.. so much... gah. haha


picture time: 

isn't he just the cutest?(:
i really do love him though. just saying. he's my very best friend in the whole world.(:


in other news, i love spaghetti-os.(: so much. if i have spaghetti-os and a microwave, i will be able to survive college.(:

if you ever feel like giving up.

just remember that there is a little girl out there watching who wants to be just like you. don't disappoint her.


great advice i got from a ballet teacher, once upon a time. now, saige is wanting a special date with sky, her and i. and she absolutely loves me. whenever i start to fall apart, i remember that cute little 8 year old, and i remember why i need to be strong, if not for myself, then for her.