Wednesday, November 14, 2012

But Guys. Nothing bad happens in Utah.

I've struggled with drugs for much of my teen years. First got hooked on prescription pain meds in junior high, and only progressively grew worse through high school. I am the first person to admit that I have a problem. 
I never learned how to deal with my problems, so, as you can assume, every time something happens in my life, drugs were always where I would turn.
But a little over 3 weeks ago, I decided that's not the life I wanted to live. It wasn't for anyone but myself. (I have no expectations to live up to but my own.) It was for me. My future. My children. Me. 
So, now, going on 3 weeks sober, most of the withdrawls are gone. Most of the negative stuff is over, and I feel at peace. I am a really great person, I just needed to the encouragement. 
But I wouldn't be where I am right now without the IOP team at Turning Point. I love my therapist. I love my counselors. I LOVE all the people in my group. Each and every one of them are my brothers and sisters and I really honestly have been changed more by them in the last 3 weeks than any other single person in my entire life, save my family.
And now, the curtains of drugs lifted, I am happy. Blissfully happy. No, my life isn't perfect. Not even close. I have never been more stressed in my whole life. My parents are about to lose our house. My grandparents are leaving for 2 years. My (used to be?) best friend is smoking and partying and going down the same path I went down. My cousins are adorable as ever, but struggling with body issues. From the outside, my life looks perfect. It's true. I'm happy. I got the boy. I have a nice house, car, 2 jobs and I'm a great student. But, if you really look, it's not that easy. Not that simple. But you know? I can get through this. I've done it for 3 weeks and I can continue:)

((Long Days Journey Into Night by Eugene O'Neill. Read it.))
We were talking about this play in my Humanities class (Oh! First day back at school in a while:) and it REALLY has to do with Utah, especially Utah County. It's all about addictions that no one admits are there. Oh but they're there. Believe me. They are there. 
*Insert Soap Box* WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE GOING TO CHANGE THIS. Make talking about drugs less tabboo. Share your story! You aren't the first to get addicted to drugs, and you won't be the last. But your story might change someone's view, and they might get help, or they might help someone else. It's up to us guys. It really is.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Someone showed it to me...but I found it by myself.

It's been so long since my last post... 
So much has changed. But, oddly enough, I am okay with it. 
Let me explain:

I started school at UVU. Beginning of school, I hated it. My thoughts: "I did not work as hard as I did in High School to go to such a mediocre school". My thoughts now: "I am so grateful for this opportunity  I have been able to grow so much. No the classes aren't as difficult as I would like and, academically, I'm bored out of my mind. But I have met so many wonderful people. I have been able to help and touch the lives of people I would have never met otherwise."

Like I said, I met so many wonderful people. Shoutouts are required now:
Reagen: I love you girl. We've only known each other for what? 2 months? And I already think of you as one of my closest friends, and we really are basically soul sisters.
Laura: Oh the memories. Words wouldn't even start to describe us. Love you girl. (P.S. I still think you would be adorbs together:))
Keyan: Bahaha Health. The end.
Shayla: If I didn't have you to talk about boys with, I would probably call them off completely and be a crazy cat lady. Glad you're there to keep me sane:)

I have regained relationships with a few really great friends. I have also, in turn, lost a few of my best friends. I continue to stay in touch with Kemsley, even though she's about 800 miles away. It's really interesting though. I lost my best friends who live the closest to me. Who didn't move, but still have a great relationship with Kems, who I haven't seen in person in 3 months. Interesting how life works.

I got accepted to Utah State. Then decided not to take it.

I admitted I had a problem and got the help I needed and have met so many great and wonderful people I love like family.

4 boys have asked me to be their boyfriend, but I have rejected them all, for different reasons. Not because I am picky. But because they deserve someone who will care about them, only them. And who won't leave them at the drop of a hat. And that's not me. Idk if I'm a relationship girl. (Lies, I am DEFINITELY a relationship girl. Just not right now.)

But it wasn't these things that have changed me. Yes, I have come to realize my desk will never be clean and my socks will never match. I have realized that friends come and go, but your family will always be there. But I realized who I am. And explaining it is difficult. But here goes nothing:)

I'm Meghan. I love with every fiber of my being. I care more than most people think is humanly possible, and I see the best in every single person. Not because I'm a saint, but because I want the same to be done for me. 
I wear my individuality like a shield, and I am, oftentimes, taken as stuck up because I am so confident in myself. I don't get offended easily, unless you are someone I trust. 
I have stopped believing promises, because I have been lied to so often, but I still have that little sense of hope that maybe, someday, someone will prove to me that I can believe again. 

All this, and so much more, adds up to me. I am flaws good intentions all sown up into one package. And for the first time, I'm okay with that. I spent my whole life trying to be perfect. Skinny enough, smart enough, pretty enough, nice enough. Blahh blahh. I tried to be someone that doesn't exist, and will never exist. But I realized that, as long as I am doing my best, and doing everything I can to be what God wants me to be, I have nothing to worry about. Yes, I will be forever progressing towards the woman I am becoming. But I don't have to stress about that woman, because she is in God's hands, being molded by him.

And yes, I can be the biggest hypocrite ever. I backslide. I stumble. I fall. I stray onto the wrong path. But God is working in me. I may be a mess, but I am His mess. And He is slowly straightening me out. And the day will come when I will be by His side, His work in me completed. But until that day, I will take His hand, and let Him do in me whatever needs to be done, no matter how painful it will be for me. When He is finished, it will all be worth it.

So I won't cry over lost friends. And I won't worry about the insults. Because I see the bigger picture. I know of God's love, and when I have Him, everything else sort of falls into place:)