it's not about your scars. it's all about your heart

with my senior year quickly approaching, there are a lot of decisions to be made. 
my birthday party, yes? or no?
what polo to wear on the first day of school.
who to hang out with.
what classes to take.
what to major in.
what colleges to apply to.
do i apply to the colleges my parents want? or the ones that i want?
what college to go to.
what my senior prom dress will look like.


there's a lot of decisions up my alley. 
and, quite honestly, i'm terrified.
i'm really, really afraid of being a senior.
i'm scared to be 17. 
i'm scared of change. 
this always happens at the beginning and end of the summer.
i freak out because of all the change.
i hate that about myself.


but, with all the decisions and whatnot i've been forced to make in these coming months, i can't help but look back on all the decisions i've made.
the good.
the bad.
and the ugly.
and the heinous, cause there have been a few of those.
now, i'm not going to sit here and tell you everything that i've done. cause that would not be in mine or your best interest, and would probably take a decade. or more.
so i'm just going to say this.
i've hurt people, sometimes on purpose.
i've said things i wish i hadn't.
i've thrown away really, really great chances,
and i've done things i'm not proud of. at all.
but you know what?
those things are what make me, me.
i wouldn't change them for anything, 
simply because i don't know if that one thing is what made me the strong person i am today.
i've been to hell and back multiple times quite honestly, 
and it's been really, really hard.
but, if those things are what made me who i am today,
i would do them a million times over.
if those are the things that made me worthy of such a great boyfriend, 
then i'd do them over.
if those are the things that made me able to have such amazing friends,
then i'd do them over.
if those are the things that made me who i am today, 
then i'd do them over.


so, here's to the future.
to conquering fears.
to overcoming doubts.
to rising above rumors.
here's to turning the page on a new chapter.
to changing.
to adapting.
here's to making the most of the situation you're in.
to playing with the hand you're dealt.
and, most importantly, here's to loving every single minute of it.

loathing. unadulterated loathing.

okay. so this is really getting out of hand.
i got 45 minutes of sleep last night.
45 MINUTES.
this is NOT working for me. 
i can live on 2 hours. 
not 45 minutes.
i feel like ripping everyone's throats out, and kicking babies.
it's a SERIOUS problem.


i do not feel like going to church.
i do not feel like doing my hair.
i do not feel like putting on makeup.
i do not feel like wearing a dress.
i feel like crying.
i feel like staying in my pajamas all day.
i feel like *sleeping*. 
because i need it.
i.need.sleep.
i just want to sleep....

sometime's life gets a little out of hand.

dear blogging world,
i am so sorry for 
a.) changing my url. i was getting some nasty comments, etc. because sometimes, people are stupid. and that makes me sad.
b.) not blogging in forever. there have been some crazy things going on, and i didn't have time, or desire to blog. because, alas, when i am emotional i say things i don't mean.
c.) i was/ am pms-ing. and i don't feel like getting out of bed, let alone spilling out my innermost thoughts to the world.
sorry for the inconvenience.
hope you forgive me.
love, meghan.lanae

skyscraper

*warning. this post is not happy. it's not nice. it's very, very personal, and if you are struggling at all, i suggest you not read it. viewer discretion is advised.* 

today is a day that, along with a few others, is very difficult for me. 

today is a day that i will not only remember, but have proof of for the rest of my life.

today is the one year anniversary of an attempted suicide. a life wanted to end. a friend, a savior, pulling a 15 year old girl out of a very dark place. 

i'm meghan carpenter.

i'm a teenage girl trying to live a life that isn't mine.

i'm a survivor. 

and this is my story.

one year ago.

from the outside, i looked like i had it all together.

my hair was perfectly in its place.

my makeup showed no signs of the tears i shed.

i dressed the way many teenage girls did.

my crisp new uniforms were hanging in my closet.

my new backpack was all packed with school supplies, anticipating the first day of my junior year.

i looked, by many standards, normal.

the epitome of a teenaged girls perfect summer.

but if you knew what to look for, i was by no means normal.

when you take health, you receive a handout.

"warning signs of a suicidal teen"

i must say i laughed a little when i saw this.

because if i would have given this handout to my parents,

to my friends,

they would have all seen it coming.

"excessive moodiness or sadness"

yes.

for 7 months leading up to this day, i had been a bitch.

totally pms-ing every minute of my life.

it was BAD too. 

"sudden calmness"

this day, july 16, 2010, was the calmest day of my life. 

i had decided 3 days prior that i was going to end my life.

my mind was set on it.

i was totally subservient that day.

i was cordial to everyone who said anything to me.

i smiled for the first time since before i could remember.

i felt weightless.

because i knew something they didn't.

i knew it would all be over in a few hours.

"changes in personality or appearance"

i wore short shorts for the first time in my life.

i actually cared that what i wore was "fashionable" for the first time.

i cut all my hair off.

i dyed what was left.

it should have been obvious.

"dangerous or harmful behavior"

not that anyone knew, but i had been cutting myself for 7 months at this point.

i was very good at hiding it.

"making preparations"

i said a final goodbye to my friends.

i cleaned my bedroom.

bathroom.

boxed up many of my belongings.

labeled them "to DI" so no one would be suspicious.

i was ready to go. honestly.

i woke up on july 16, 2010 knowing it would be my last.

i was excited even, as morbid as that sounds.

i knew it would all be over in a few short hours, and that, that was the most refreshing feeling ever.

i knew i wouldn't have to deal with life anymore.

i didn't have to deal with expectations.

drama.

rumors.

nothing mattered anymore.

i woke up and went to the gym.

i ran 12 miles that day.

i came home and showered.

picked out my best dress.

did my makeup very nicely.

curled my hair.

and then, when i was about ready to fill the bathtub, my cell phone rang.

it was a very good friend of mine.

it read, nothing special, "hey meghan. wanna hang out? i miss you!"

never before have 8 words meant more to me.

i didn't want to.

i hated the idea of prolonging this.

but i decided it was better to wait until later.

i'd do it when my family was all asleep.


i can honestly say i had the best day that day.
we painted.
we went to the dollar store.
we loaded up on snacks.
we saw the a-team.
we played with chalk.
and we talked.
i didn't tell her everything. 
i didn't need to.
someone cared about me.
someone wanted to know how i was doing.
and that was enough.
but i didn't realize that until it was too late.
i went home.
i ran a tub full of water.
i cried a little.
but this is what i wanted...
i took the knife out of the kitchen drawer.
i laid down in the tub of water, with all my clothes.
my hands shook as i pulled the knife across my legs. 
carotid artery.
i learned about it in school and i knew that if i just pushed hard enough, i'd bleed out, and the wet air would help speed it up.
i had it all figured out.
i remember cutting it the first time.
and the second.
i remember the blood.
i remember the pain.
i remember feeling so alive, but so close to death.
i remember getting dizzy.
i don't remember my mom finding me.
i don't remember the ride to the hospital.
i remember waking up, 2 days later. 
i remember the guilt i felt looking at my mom and dad, so exhausted. 
i remember all the teddy bears and flowers that covered hospital room.
i remember the sadness that came after that. knowing i couldn't even control the one thing i thought i had control over.
but i also remember the happiness that i felt.
why would i ever leave these people who care about me?
why?
because i was selfish.
i was greedy.
i was only worried about myself, and not what my decisions did to others. 


now, i don't know for sure, but i'm pretty sure i wouldn't be here today if that friend hadn't have asked me to hang out.
not because she said anything that hit me hard.
or because she took the knife out of my hands,
cause she didn't.
but she made me wait until the evening.
she gave my parents the opportunity to find me, that maybe, just maybe, wouldn't have happened had my plan have happened as planned.
but more importantly, she let me know that someone still cared.
she made it harder for me to dig that knife into my leg.
she made my thoughts wander.
so, to that friend, thank you.


and to anyone who is struggling.
to anyone who doesn't know if they can make it another day,
i'm here to tell you that no, it's not easy.
no, you're not going to wake up one day and everything will be better,
because i would be lying if you did.
all i can say if that it's worth it.


i know what it's like to be in a very dark place, where nothing seems to be worth it, and no one understands what you're going through. nothing seems to make you feel better and life is just hard. but it. gets. better. i promise. 
think about those of us who have done it.
think about those who your decision will affect, cause it's not just you.
it's your whole school.
it's your family.
it's everyone other than you.
suicide is not the answer to the problem.
it;s a permanent answer to a temporary problem and it's scary for everyone involved. 
get help.
talk to me.
talk to your parents.
talk to someone.
and know, there is always someone who cares.

because i would walk a thousand miles if i could just see you, tonight.

sometimes, difficult situations are put into our lives to make us stronger. i believe the same is true for relationships. every trial you go through together makes your relationship stronger. that's the way life is.
yes, my life is being difficult right now. yes, i will get through it. but, honestly, i don't know if i can without roy helping me through it. that probably sounds pathetic, but it's nice to have someone who can say, "meghan, it's going to be alright", and when i look into his eyes, i can't help but believe it, because i know that he honestly does.
that's what i love about roy. he's more than my boyfriend. he's my support system, my confidant, my best friend, and my role model. he's a great role model for my little brothers, and no matter what anyone else says or does, i love him. i honestly and truly do. in a way i have never loved anyone else before.

and i could see that there was more to life

okay.
so i was just talking to mi amiga, meghan (not me obviously), and she said "you should write a blog post about how you and roy came to be, because no one saw it coming". 
and i said "yes. i think i shall[:" 
so here goes[:


roy beltran is that one guy that i had a crush on, first day of school. he was WWWAAAYYY out of my league. it was that nerd with the crush on the quarterback of the football team, disney channel kind of crush.
i got over it.


we had 2 classes together, well, 3 i guess: AP US Government and Socratic. he didn't even really talk to me at all first semester, that i remember. he'll probably correct me on that[:
but yeah.
i adored from afar and made myself like other guys, because i didn't want to get hurt, again.
but yes.
first semester sucked. haha
and then i started getting sick, and staying home from school a lot, and being really sick at school and stuff.
i didn't notice it at the time, because i'm stubborn or hard-headed or something, but he always seemed to be really worried about me when i wasn't there, and Kemsley, my bff, told me that when i wasn't there he always asked if i was okay, and he texted me a few times.
at one of the basketball games, i asked roy and marc to come sit by us. i was going through one of my many random "ooh roy. you're hot. and sweet. and i think i like you" phases. 
they were numerous.
but anyways, he came and sat with us. 
and i looked at him, and it scared me.
he scared me.
and i know what you're thinking,
"yo meghan. he's a boy. and you're, well, you. WHY WERE YOU SCARED?"
kemsley asked me that very question.
well, let me tell you.
boys are stupid, like by genetics or something.
and this was before i knew who he really was.
i had been hurt by boys like him before.
so i was terrified of liking him.
so, subconsciously at the time, though now i know better, i forced myself to like someone else.
and i did.
i really liked this other guy for almost 3 months.
and it wasn't fake, don't get me wrong.
it sounds like i used him, but i didn't. 
i swear.
i really liked him.
but then... something happened.
i just didn't anymore. 
and it was very sad for both parties involved, but that was life. 
sounds insincere, and a little shallow, but it's true...
and guess who i liked again!
roy.
darn it.
that boy just wouldn't get out of my head.
it was very problematic.
but then, my grandma died, and i was in california, and needed someone to talk to who didn't know anything about me, or my problems, or who i knew wouldn't judge me, and so i was on facebook and roy was on chat. and i message him. and we talked. and i vented, and cried, he in utah, i in california. 
and that's when i fell for him again.
i fell. and i fell HARD. 
have you ever met someone who was just so easy to talk to, and tell everything to?
that's who Roy was for me.
he knew everything about me within weeks.
never before have i trusted anyone that much. 
ever.
i texted him everyday.
and, surprisingly to me, he texted me back. 
we basically talked from the time he got out of basketball until i fell asleep. 
and it was blissful.
you know?
just having someone who i knew wouldn't try to kiss me, but who i could tell everything to.
i hadn't had that in a very long time.
and it was refreshing.
so, we texted. 
and got in trouble in our classes for talking to much.
his hugs were the safest place in the world.
he made me feel like i was floating everyday.
and i loved that.
and then, as if my life could get any better, it did.
he asked me on a date.
and, i was just... wow. 
i can't even really tell you how i felt, cause i can't describe it using words.
i was elated.
ask kems.
i have never been more excited for anything in my ENTIRE life.
ever.
i literally jumped up and down and screamed my head off for like... 2 hours when i got home. 
it was bad[:
that was on wednesday.
then on friday, the pcc. there may or may not have been an epic amount of flirting. it was a little adorable. or that's what kems said[:
i got home, showered, obviously, cause i was so gross, and then roy called and asked if i could go on a date with him on friday instead of saturday.
of course i said yes.
and i had 30 minutes to get ready[:
nothing like a little pressure to hurry a girl up[:
yay.
and so we went to devon's house and watched tarzan.
and there was cuddling.
not gonna lie.
and then we went to comedysportz.
so freakin' hilarious.
by the way.
but yeah.
he took me home.
and we stood on my porch, and hugged. and he said, and i will probably never forget this, "Meghan I have 2 questions to ask you."
my heart was racing, my palms getting sweaty, butterflies i thought were going to fly out of my body, you know, the normal reactions. 
he looked at me and said, "Meghan, I hope you know I don't usually do this, but will you be my girlfriend?" 
my brain: ummm, yes!!!!! OF COURSE!!!! GAAAAHHHHH!!!!! EEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! 
my mouth: "Yes. Of course". 
i was grinning from ear to ear. i really couldn't contain my happiness. it was great[:
and then he asked if i was free on monday to go to a civil war re-enactment. 
it was great. 


so, yes. that's the story.
a year of waiting.
on both parts i think. 
and it might sound like we have nothing in common, and on the surface, we are very much completely opposite of each other. 
and in the beginning, that's what made us so perfect, i think. we were very different, and, for me at least, he brought out, and continues to bring out, my best qualities.
but, as we get to know each other even better, we are more similar in many ways than we thought we were before. 
i learn something more about him everyday and it makes me love him even more.


this whole story being said, i am, quite honestly and sincerely, the most lucky girl in the world.
no joke. 
thee end[:

Just because someone tells you that you can't do something doesn't mean you have to listen.

okay. i like this quote. it has nothing to do with what i will blog about.


so, i am sooooo ready for school to start. 
yes, i know, we still have one month and 9 days, (which is also the days until i'm 17!!!:))
but i am soooo ready to go back to school.
who knows what it is?
i love the first time i wear my new uniforms.
and the first time i use my new pens to write in my new notebooks.
it makes me happy.
but this first day of school will be a bit bitter sweet.
last first day of school, i guess.
i'm a senior guys.
a senior.
i don't feel that old though.
i don't feel old enough to have gone through 12 years of school.
it's weird.
seems like just yesterday i was going to kindergarten at la cañada elementary school, crying, holding on to my mom, not wanting to go, and then, later that day, not wanting to go home.
i guess where my love of school started.
my first first day.
and now, i'm quickly approaching my last first day of school, and i'm full of  emotion.
saddness, because it is my last.
joy, because i'm almost done with the hell the world calls high school.
terror, because this is the last year where i know exactly what's going to happen.
anticipation, because this is the last year of high school! i have to make it the best. year. ever[:


and, for now, i have to enjoy my last summer, partyin' it up, makin' mistakes, livin' life. you know, all the normal things a teenager does[:
i gotta make this, the last summer of my high school education, the best summer on record.
and let me tell you: it already has been[:


so, here's to you, my fellow bloggers, my friends. live it up guys. don't listen to what anyone else says about you, because, in all actuality, they don't matter.
it's as simple as that.
today, i plan on wearing a dress and my toms, a tiara in my hair, and dance around in the rain like a lunatic.
those are my plans.
that's how i roll.
so live it up guys.
you're only young once, so make the most of it[:


p.s. you remember those pictures i promised yesterday? well, yeah. haha. i may or may not have completely forgotten my camera.... it's a problem. i know. but roy and i will probably go back up there soon-ish! so i'll take them then, and boom! you'll have yourself some beautiful pictures[:

all i can say is that now it's getting so much clearer. nothing made sense until the time i saw your face. today was a fairytale.

so, ummm, yes. hi.
there's this boy.
[roy beltran]
and when i'm with him... sigh.
time goes way too fast.
all my worries fade away.
i can be just myself, no filters, no masks.
he makes me feel like a princess.
quite literally.
i love him. 
so much.
even with his OCD-ness,
and random itching days,
and problems with control, 
and his intolerance,
and everything.
i love that about him.
he's real.
and wanna hear the best part?
he's. all. mine[:
my life=fairytale.
and i love it.
and i wouldn't change it for anything in the world[:

oh, this is gonna be the good life

hi[:
sorry for all the depressing-ness that has been my blog lately.
i don't deal with feelings very easily.
it's kind of just how i roll.
and it's a problem.
but in other news: i'm going to stuart falls with roy this morning[: 
so very excited[:
and my camera is certainly coming with us, so be prepared for some epic pictures[:
especially from Roy.
he's an *amazing* photographer.
ah-maze-ing.
thee end[:
love you lots!
have a great day.
go to 7-11 and get a free slurpee[:
happy birthday 7-11!
we love you and all your convenience![:

anger

i'm not really one to get angry. it's just not how i roll. 
but some things do get me angry.
human trafficking makes me angry.
child labor makes me angry.
most prejudices make me angry. no all. not most.
crying makes me angry. when i cry, i just get mad at myself.
actually, a lot of things get me angry.
quite a few.
but, right now i'm angry because bosses are stupid.
no, it's cool.
take him.
i don't care.
it's not like i was excited to go or anything.
no, it's totally okay.
go.
have fun at work.
be happy.
i'll just sit here like the loser i am, with no life, and cry myself into oblivion.
the crying part just makes me more angry.
it's a vicious cycle. 
when i'm angry enough that i cry, that's when you know something is up.
it's awesome.
so freakin' flippin' awesome.
dude.
i need a life.

hatred. loathing. disgust. repulsion. abhorrence. detestment. repugnant.

wanna know what i hate?
when all my friends have a job and i don't,
cause i'm too pathetic to actually get a job or something.
it's awesome.
wanna know what else i hate?
staying home all day in my room like a loser.
cause i have no friends who aren't cool enough to have a job.
it's great.
wanna know what i don't hate?
thesaurus. 
thee end.

scared

i'm scared. 
terrified even.
i can't even handle it right now.
so much change.
uncertainty.
instability.
i can't do it.
i just can't...

when i count my many blessings, i count you twice.

One of the greatest things about being a teenager is the sharing the closeness and the great times you have with your friends.


so, i was blog stalking today, as i have spent more and more time doing in the recent days and weeks, and i came across this wonderful post by an amazing girl, who i just so happen to share a name with, and she did like a shout out to all her friends. so i decided to copy[: so here goes.


Roy Beltran: oh my. where to start? he has very quickly became the most important person in my life. he's always there for me. whether i'm just having a suckish day and he's there to hug me, or he lets me cry into his shoulder, or he listens to me when i rant on and on about my pathetic life. he's just always there. he's my rock, and my best friend. and, i was really, really lucky, and now i get to call him my boyfriend too. i could quite possibly be the luckiest girl in the world.


Kemsley Corell: this girl. she's my other half. my sister from another mister. the ice to my fire. she's not only opposite of me in almost every way, but she's the closest thing i've ever had to a sister. she's the sweetest girl i have ever met, and i am so grateful that she is a part of my life.


Katelyn Winward: kate is quite possibly the only thing that keeps me sane some days. she knows all about me, all my issues, and problems, and she's there. to listen. to say "yo meghan. suck it up". she always reminds me of my reality by her punky sense of humor and go with the flow ways. she's so adorable, and i love her. kind of a lot.


Chandler Merkley: oh dear. this boy. he's crazy. in a totally loving kind of way. i have never met a boy who has taught me more than chandler has taught me. not only do i believe that between me and him we could write an encyclopedia, but he's an inspiration to me. whenever i'm feeling down on myself, i go to chandler. he always knows what to say to make me feel better about myself. and i'm pretty sure his favorite thing to say is "just learn from it and grow. make this a building experience". 


Angela Lewis: i haven't known her for all that long, but she has been extremely influential in my life. she's one of those people who brighten up everyday when you're with them. she's funny, and spontaneous and she just makes me giggle[: oh! and we're getting married on tuesday of next year[:


now, this list would not be complete without the people i awkwardly stalk on a regular basis. including:


Cambria Hobbs: we don't hang out much. or hardly ever. bbbuuuttt, i love her blog[: it makes me happy inside. she's very cool, and a great friend to all of my friends, so i obviously approve[:


Meghan Bice: she is actually the inspiration for this post. her blog is one of the sweetest, most heartfelt blogs i have ever read. she has a love of life that is evident when you merely look at her, and she loves everyone she comes in contact with. her heart seems to be always full of love, and whether it's walking for cancer patients or helping to make lunches for the homeless, she always seems to be there, helping in any way she can. plus, she has the same name as me[: awesome, yes.[:


so, as you can see, i am very blessed to know the people that i do. there are many people i didn't mention, such as emily juchau, emily bridges, nikki beighley, camille hauglid, yvo werner, maddi law, hadleigh craig, and so many countless other people, this post would me much too long.


just know i love you all. 
every single one of you.
never forget it[:

god bless the usa.

so, my independence day weekend was cooler than yours.
just thought you should know[:
let me tell you.
thursday: epic block party.grandma dancing.roy.my family.holly.ellie.steve's band, flashpoint.the coolest fireworks show ever.
friday: hanging with the fam.roy.playing with kate.chandler.damon.veronica.pool.leslie.boston,the cutest baby ever.chillin' in chick-fil-a for an hour, coloring and waiting for cami.
saturday: taylor's baptism.fun with family.chi-hui-hua.fondant.watermelon.chillin' with elias, lori, lucy and roy.stadium of fire fireworks. car alarms. traffic[:
sunday: family party.smores.6 layers of perfectly roasted marshmellow.delicious keebler cookies.santa maria style bbq[:
monday: ballon launch.being with roy for 13 hours.doughnuts.awesome firefighters.near heart attacks.roy beating me at scrabble.twister, i won 1/12 games.midway to heaven.street of fire.lightening fireworks[:.thanksgiving point fireworks.4 finales.beating traffic.beating my parents home[:


epic win of a weekend, no? me gusta[:

safety.

your arms are a place of refuge from the world, and i never wanna go back.
i love how safe i feel when i'm with you.
how nothing can touch me.
how even when the world is scary, and bad things happen, i know i can cry, and hug you, and everything will work out.
i love that.