Tuesday, February 28, 2012

ignorance is your new best friend.

I'd rather chew on broken glass than keep on living in the past and wasting time on words I know you didn't mean. It's complicated. I think when bad things happen--whether someone dies or people argue or split up--you get to a point where it's just too hard to go back. There's so much lost. So many versions of the truth. So many versions of how things might've turned out differently. We all long for what could have been. For some people, it's just easier to move forward and try to forget. I realized that I was holding on to something that didn't exist anymore. That the person I missed didn't exist anymore. People change.

have you ever been in love?

horrible isn't it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it open your heart and it means someone can get inside of you, and mess with you. you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. then one STUPID person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your life... you give them a piece of you. they didn't ask for it. they did something stupid like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. so simple a phrase as 'maybe we should just be friends.' turns into a glass splinter, working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the mind. it's a soul hurt. a real, gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. i hate love.

((i'm really not bitter... i just found this. and loved it. thought i'd share.))

Monday, February 27, 2012

when are you two just gonna get back together already?

that was it.
that was when i broke.
people should know better than to ask shitty-ass questions like that.
"don't ask me things like that. that's not an okay thing to ask."
especially you. you really should know better.
you know how hard this has all been for me. and you know how easy it's been on him.
fuck, you see him everyday. you know he's better off without me.
so why? why the fuck would you even think to ask me something like that?

i am going to trust in the lord.

-he knows my name.
isaiah 43:1
-he sees every move.
psalms 139:7
-he thinks about me.
psalms 139:17
-he is with me.
joshua 1:9
-he will fight for me.
exodus 14:14
-he made me in his image.
genesis 1:27
-he is my safe place.
psalms 62:6-8
-he has a plan for me.
jeremiah 29:11
-he is good. 
psalms 119:68
-he is freedom.
2 corninthians 3:17

and i still love him.. after everything.

he's the best man I ever met in my life, and I'm not good enough for him. I say that knowing I'm good enough for damn near anybody, but he's different. turns out under that affable exterior that man's even more stubborn than I am, and I haven't figured out what to do about that quite yet.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

i looked at him, and he looked at me, and for that split second, it was like we had both forgiven each other for everything.

i have this memory.
this wonderful memory that keeps me hanging onto nothing.
this wonderful, fantastic look that makes it literally impossible to forget what we had.
however long ago that was.
yes, we hate each other.
yes, we are basically sworn enemies.
but, at the same times,
he has a part of me,
and i have a part of him.
what we had was,
and still is,
very real.
and that, my friends,
is never going to go away.

when she was just a girl, she expected the world. but it flew from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep.

i am the world's largest screw up.
okay? get it? got it? good. now run. because i hurt people who get close to me. i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing most of the time and i hurt people. okay? okay. i hurt yet another person today, and i did it completely on accident. but you know what? he was my best friend. now, i can't even stand to look at him because i feel so bad that i hurt him. again. i hate this. i hate my life. i hate how i feel. i hate that i have to go through it. it's not fair. and i'm done. i'm tired of trying. yes, i'm sick. no, i'm not trying anymore. just let me die already...

i know you feel like you are breaking down. i know that it gets hard sometimes.

my thoughts yesterday: oooohhhh!! i sooo excited. so so so excited. i love the world. i love everyone in it. i love the birds. i love the sun. i love the cold. oh! pretty flower.. i love my fishys and i love my family and i love marshmellows. ooh... i love ice cream... purple!!! ((and it continues. you get the picture.))
my thoughts today: i hate everything. 

you can see my problem. yesterday, i did something i probably shouldn't have done. i should have done what i knew i was supposed to, and not done what i did. ((i really hope he doesn't read this before we talk..)) i shouldn't have kissed him. yes, i know he is my boyfriend. i know he cares more than watermelon (that's mine and kems' nickname for him..) ever did. i know. but still, i can't do it. i made a decision when i shouldn't have and now, i'm paying for it. i'm sorry... 

i hate having bipolar...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

this is amazing(:

my best friend and my boyfriend are going to sadies together. weird? not at all. she's the only one i trust to go with him(: i love you two!!! ahhh!!! we're going to have coolest group ever. and party hardy all night!!! (: ahhh!!! (: can't wait!! (:

look for the girl with the broken smile.

i guess i'm still holding on to something i know will never happened because somewhere deep down inside of me, i still have a little hope that it will happen, someday..

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

i don't think i'll go to school tomorrow.

i don't feel like seeing anyone. i hurt too bad. 

one morning i saw that look in her eyes again. it wasn't sad, just empty.

that's how i feel. 
not a feeling i should have right now.
not the feeling someone who just started dating a new boy should feel.
not the feeling someone with great friends should feel.
not the feeling i should be feeling.


so, i'm sitting in computer programming with my favorite people(:
odeion. skyler. and corbin (who didn't run me over this morning:) my ears hurt. but that's okay(: busy day today. therapy. doctor (my voice is still gone after a week. my mom is worried. haha). figuring out whatever the hell we're going to do for sadies. ((that's on saturday... fuck..)) oh. going to get my other ear pierced. because they screwed up. funny story(: 

Monday, February 20, 2012

well, society finally got to me(:

i officially have a small metal rod sticking through my ear lobes. it's sorta funny.. haha.

who ever thought of this? 
no one knows..

Sunday, February 19, 2012

it's the best feeling in the world; knowing that someone actually cares about you.

keep this in mind, one day, there's going to be a guy who's going to walk into your life and who is going to love you, your body, your smile, the way you walk, the way you talk, he's going to love you. And you're going to feel confident and on top of the world. One day, you won't feel insecure because you have someone who loves you for who you are. and i think that's when you know it's love. when instead of feeling like you have to hide your flaws, and feel insecure and embarrassed, you feel unashamed, free, secure, safe, proud, happy, confident. you feel loved. someday.

he knows everything about me. he knows i made mistakes with my last boyfriend. he knows i lied. he knows i spent time in the mental hospital. he knows i'm a little crazy. but he loves me anyways. he knows how to calm me down when i'm freaking out. he knows when to listen and when to give advice. he knows when to hold me and when to let me be angry. he just knows. and that is why he is my best friend. that is why i love him.

Friday, February 17, 2012

my theory on love.

people often say: "You're too young to know what love is." and yeah, they're sort of right.

but here is the thing:
they're sort of not right at all.

when you're seven and you love someone or something, truly love it, that is the deepest love you know. you really, really do love your collector's barbie you got for Christmas. that is the deepest love you ever felt.

and then you're thirteen and in junior high. some boy glances sideways at you and stuns you with his bright eyes and you just know: this is love. that feeling you felt when you were in elementary school? that wasn't love! that is nothing compared to what you feel now!
and you cry yourself to sleep and you talk nonstop about you're bright-eyed boy because you are in love with him.

...and then you enter high school. and you fall in love yet again. you hold hands and you get your first kiss and you're just in love. you laugh at your junior high self because you know now: that wasn't love, that wasn't even close to what you feel now.

this cycle will repeat again and again. throughout you're life, you'll constantly look back and say "i knew absolutely nothing about love when i thought i knew everything."

let me tell you something: you loved when you were seven, you loved when you were thirteen, and you will love when you turn 83.

imagine going to a first grader and giving them a calculus test. when they fail the test, will you say "you know absolutely nothing about math. you don't even know what math is!"?
but they do! they know left and right and addition and subtraction.
who are you to say that everything they know means nothing?

the truth is, we won't completely understand true, complete love until we die.
God is love, and will we ever truly understand Him in this life?
no, we can't even begin to comprehend Him.

but that does not make everything we learn void.

we love as a child, we love as a teen, and we love as an adult. we love with the deepest parts of our heart we can find, and as we grow we dig even deeper and find even more love.

so yes, that thirteen year old girl really does know nothing about the love that you now understand, but that does not mean that she does not love.

she reaches down in her heart as far as she can and gives all that she finds.
and she loves.
truly, she loves.

so i'm not gonna let you get me down.

everyday it gets easier. everyday i feel myself letting go a little bit more. and it's the best feeling ever. just so everyone knows. it's a weight lifted off my shoulders(: and i love it. ((never going back.))

Thursday, February 16, 2012

i don't need you anymore.

lady antebellum concert: amazing.
not having a voice: suckish.
laryngitis: painful.
"talking" my parents into letting me go to state: difficult.
getting all my stuff done: impossible.
best week of my life: priceless.

Monday, February 13, 2012

but what if i want to?

puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. puke and starve and cut and drink because it's the only anesthetic that works.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

this is what i need.

when you feel lost and scared to death, like you can’t take one more step. just take my hand, together we can do it. i’m gonna love you through it.

i just need someone to look me in the eyes and promise me that they'll be there, through anything i'm going through. and then actually follow through with it. i'm going through some crazy stuff right now, things that are really hard for me. i'm not dealing with my life really well, and i have some health issue stuff going on. all i want is for someone to prove to me that not everyone is the same. that some people are actually going to care about me and NOT leave when things get too hard. yeah. that'd be great. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

what if...

what if there is no such thing as true love, but we're all just too afraid to admit it? we keep dressing up, and pretending we're something we're not. we keep turning our lives upside down, losing ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think we are. what if that something we're all looking for just doesn't exist?

poetry is life, a small piece of life, put into words.

this is my poem for a contest i'm entering.
if you have suggestions, let me know(: ((i'm gonna come up with a cooler name(: ))

Writing - Meghan Carpenter

Writing is a dangerous game.
I have found that,
on most occasions,
they don't go quietly.

they can rage like a thousand wild horses,
and you have no idea
how to wrestle their stamping hooves,
or their rolling eyes onto the paper.

Or else, quiet and ghostly butterflies,
that will not be pinned to wall of cork, gassamer, or ethereal.
they slip through your fingers like sand,
and you cannot explain anything.

occasionally, they fly with so much zeal,
you don't comprehend just what your words mean.
you forget that what you have said, you can't take back.
they stab and shred the tender heart and you lose a piece of who you are.

Sometimes words call to you, siren-like,
with their eerily enchanting song,
on to sit
and describe the water while watching you drown.

But, some mornings, I awake with words blooming like flowers in my throat.
and when I open my mouth,
they fly like a fleet of doves,
until there are poems scattered all over the ceiling.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

i believe in love; i will never let life make me hard.

this woman is my new role model. 

this, my lovelies, is katie kirkpatrick. she is, in this picture, undergoing chemotherapy. this is the day before her wedding. the man next to her is her fiance, nick. this is why i still believe love exists.

even with all the pain of dealing with her organs shutting down, with the help of morphine, katie took care of every aspect of her wedding. her dress had to be adjusted several times, due to her constant weight loss.

an expected guest at her wedding was her oxygen tank. she had to use it at both the ceremony and the reception. the other couple in this photo is nick's parents, who were emotional at the wedding, grateful nick got to marry the love of his life.

katie, in her wheelchair, listening to nick and her friends sing to her(:

in the middle of the party, katie had to take a break and rest a bit. the pain does not allow her to stand for very long periods of time.

katie died 5 days after her wedding. to see such a beautiful girl in a wedding dress, with a beautiful smile makes you think.
i believe in love(:

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

this one is for you (you know who you are)

when you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change your feelings because it's the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares. if you TRULY love someone, nothing they do will change the fact that you love them. people are innately flawed. it's part of our test on the earth. and the true test of love is mistake. it's when you think you are so hurt that you can't ever look them in the eye again, but you do. it's when you don't think you'll ever be able to utter a nice word about them again, but you find yourself slipping positive comments into conversations and you don't even realize it. true love, the only type of love, is when you can look past  mistakes to the person who is really inside. the person who loves you. and the person you love.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


when you love someone, and they break your heart, when there's too many tears to drown them out, hold on. hold on. hold on. hold on.
thank you jobros.

also, i love my friends. i had a suckish day at therapy today, cried a bit. ((PTSD therapy SUCKS...)) but they came over after that and we partied it up(: oh! and i played with chalk. 
i have to go do my homework now.. that i haven't done for like 2 weeks. sigh.. i hate senioritis.

quit messing with my brain

this whole nightmare thing is starting to get on my nerves. woke up screaming again. why can't you just get out of brain as fast as you got out of my life?

Monday, February 6, 2012


i love how understanding and non-judgmental my friends are of me. just saying.

vantage point teaches me things.

it doesn't matter who you are, where you grew up, what your story is. you're important.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

sometimes, i'm reckless.

got a bikini for state(: so excited. i'm gonna look hott. and kenna, dante and i are gonna party hard AALLLL weekend(: 

p.s. i still love you patriots....

Saturday, February 4, 2012

you a sell out, but I aint buying

theme song of my night: i'm on one. hell yeah i am. i street raced tonight. it was freaking sweet(: and i won 1 of the 3 races i raced in! damn straight. 
one of the other guys came up to me after, and said "damn girl. where you learn to drive like that?"
"ummm, my daddy was a racecar driver when i was little. spent a lot of time at the track."
"oh. i see. but damn girl! how are you so good at driving?"
"i dunno. natural born skill and talent i guess."
i was walking away when i heard,
"damn girl! your ass is fine. can i have your number?"

"fuck you." middle finger in the air, i walked away.
hell yeah. 
i'mma bitch. deal with it(:
and i'm damn good at what i do. wanna race me and find out? (: i'll kick your ass.
recap of my day:
12 boys gave me their numbers. hell yeah. i'm attractive. (and the only girl who races much around here. and i looked sexy today(: i love what my helmet does to my hair. haha)
i only gave mine out once to a boy i am now texting. he's hott. like, 27 out of 10 hott. :)
i got told 4 times that i'm a natural.
"damn, girls aren't supposed to race that hard." - 26 times.
tried to get recruited by 3 teams, which would be sweet. but i don't have the time to commit. i'mma stick to my racing schedule for now. 
i made $500 today. that's probably more than if i was a prostitute, so i consider this night a success(:
oh, and my favorite part?
well, breaking the status quo; that was priceless.

ps a HUGE shout out to kyle for letting me borrow his baby(: your nos is sick babe. not gonna lie. i'm super jealous. oh, and maybe you're right. we are soul mates(: "let's make love until forever is over." oh kyle. you silly, silly boy(:

she missed him. not enough to want him back. she missed him just enough for it to hurt.

there are 2 kinds of crying in the world. there's the "oh no, i'm sad, need to get my emotions out" kind of crying. and then, there's the "i've been strong for too long, breakdown, sobbing for 3 hours" kind of crying. i'm afraid the second one is about to happen. it's not because i'm sad about anything in particular. it's not because i'm upset over a boy. or my family. it's not because i'm sad about my life. it's because i've held it all in for so long. i've distracted myself to the point that i don't know what to feel anymore. i've distracted myself to the point of not knowing whether i'm happy or sad. i've not dealt with my fears and emotions, so, because of such, i'm on the edge. teetering on the edge of a blade. one wrong move will make me fall. and falling this time has so much riding on it. falling this time means the end.

the absence of him is everywhere I look.

I've accepted that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that I always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots no matter how happy I am otherwise and no matter how long it's been. Do you realize how incredibly difficult it is to accept both those things at once? It's a completely torturous situation if you stop and think about it.

maybe i should just leave..

None of you would ever have to see me again.
“She ran away.”
And if no one else will go with me, fuck it, I’ll go alone.
I could make it better on my own anyways.  
At first there would be searches, then eventually people will get tired of looking. 
Occasionally, my face will show up in the advertisement pages: Have you seen me? With a photograph that’s been electronically aged by five years.
But no one will see me. I’ll be gone, gone, gone. 
Halfway across the country before anyone will even realize that I’ve left.

Friday, February 3, 2012

so what we go out, so what we smoke weed, were just havin fun, we dont care who we see. livin young and wild and free.

soo, umm, i'm a little addicted to being reckless. i like to drive too fast, and do things my parents wouldn't approve of, because i like adrenaline, probably too much. i like punching walls, and cars, and pillows, and punching bags. (sometimes people, but only sometimes.)i like screaming at the top of my lungs, until i can't breathe anymore. i like seeing my life flash before my eyes. i like blood rushing through my veins. i like pain and i like feeling pain. i like these things. my therapist thinks it's cause i don't deal with reality. i think it's cause i like doing stupid things. take your pick.

((i start drag racing practice on monday. well, i'm learning the car on monday. and i think that someday soon i will be in a street race. it's going to happen.))

Thursday, February 2, 2012


dude. funniest things happened today. like
"are you going to die?! cause i'd come to your funeral!"
oh. my friends. how i love them.