Saturday, November 27, 2010

i hate you. no i don't... and it's killing me...

I wish I could find a way to keep my heart from loving you. It's so hard to keep myself from falling when I see you. It's so easy to hate you when you're not around, and so easy to love you when you're looking like that.
i thought i could do it. i thought i could still be his stupid friend, and that i would just get over him and it would all be happy and dandy. but i was wrong... sooooo wrong...
okay. i am stupid. i trick myself into liking someone else, and it's all fine and dandy until i saw him again. and talked to him again... and i realized how just NOT over him i am. how stupid i am to think i was. how stupid i am to not be. how stupid i am to ever like him in the beginning. i don't freaking understand how this could have happened to me.... how i wait everyday for him to come and tell me he was just kidding. but everyday he doesn't, and everyday my heart breaks a little more every time i see him. 
i just don't get how i am still so attached and he couldn't be more over me.
it sucks.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

"I have seen the bluest skies. Rainbows that would make you cry. I have seen miracles that moved my soul. People that have made me whole. I have seen days that changed my life. I have seen the brightest star shine like a diamond in the night. I have seen all this and more, but I've never seen a smile more beautiful than yours."
well, as you know, i bounce from guy to guy faster than bumper's not my fault... it's mostly just my way of getting over things, and protecting myself from getting hurt, by not getting too close to one guy, that way when they hurt me, and can forgive and forget and voila! i move on. :) which is one of my best qualities, i think. :) love. and anyways... i liked this quote, cause it kinda explains. everything. i am really loopy now. but i don't understand why. i love you all. 
love, me

Monday, November 15, 2010

"But I'm too scared to say the things worth saying."
I think this is my problem. I always have something to say, and i always say what i think, except when it comes to you. i can't make logical sentences. i can't tell you how i feel, which partially has to do with the fact that i don't know how i feel most of the time... but i am too scared to say anything to you, for fear of making you angry... so i am not going to. i'm not gonna say anything to you... just leave now, silently, with only the sound of my heart hitting the ground...

Saturday, November 13, 2010

the best song ever. Leave The Pieces by The Wreckers

As long as you're happy, I'll deal with the consequences.
once again, it's saturday night, and i don't have anything better to do with my life than write on my blog... yay? i wish i had friends. the kind of friends who are actually there for you. but that's okay... you know? i'll get over it. 
but as for the quote, i just want him to be happy. if he's happy now, then i'm okay with dealing with the repercussions. i'm happy if he's happy....

Friday, November 12, 2010


How will you know I am hurting, If you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body Tells what words cannot explain.
it seems almost hypocritical to make that quote such a pretty color...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Maybe we weren't meant to be together forever. But I thank God daily that he put you in my life, and made you mean something to me...everything to me. Even if it wasn't forever.
maybe. but i am really greatful for him. he changed me, even if it was for 3 weeks. he changed my view of the male population. after the previous experience, i thought boys were all just stupid. but he changed that. i am really, truly greatful.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


"I sat there and stared at you. I just couldn't understand how such an amazing person could be in my life. And then all of a sudden I got extremely scared. You kissed me, and told me not to worry, there was no way you'd ever leave me. I felt a sense of comfort. I believed you. That is, until you left."
i believed in him. i believed he would always be there, you know? just like he said he would. was i really that stupid? that naive? i don't get why i keep doing this to myself. every time i fall for someone, i always end up on the losing end, the one who hurts after. and it sucks, you  know? i lost a friend in the situation, and all he lost was me. which isn't much, but it is some thing, isn't it? aren't i good enough for anyone? pretty enough? smart enough? spontaneous enough to keep someone's attention for even a little bit? i just don't understand why i do this to myself. every time something really bad happens. and every time, i go on trusting someone again, and i get hurt. again. i just wish my life could be easy, just for one time. maybe i trust too easy, forgive too easy, but you know what? that's who i am. i have been hurt way too many times, but if i have the opportunity to have some thing great happen to me, i'm going to go for it, just because i haven't had anything great happen to me before. just because i need some thing good to happen to me for once. is that too much to ask? for a guy who isn't a jerk or weird or a stalker? someone who is not going to hurt me? someone i can put all my trust in and then not regret it later? i just need that guy... that one guy who i know isn't gonna hurt me, and the one who will be there for me, like i've thought all those other guys were gonna do. all the guys who hurt me. 
i don't even understand love. it's illogical and irrational, makes us do stupid things, like trust people. how can that ever be good? "just wait for the right person meghan," i keep getting told. well, what if the right person for me doesn't even exist? what if they died in some freak car accident with i was 2. what if they don't even notice me until i'm on my death bed? what if i'm gonna be 90 and never have gone on a date? what if?? what if it never happens? cause at the rate i'm going, it's not going to. 
I just don't understand people's fascination with love. "all you need is love". WRONG! love just an imbalance of seratonin and dopamine, 2 chemicals in your brain that are also traced to causing severe mental disorders. there are many things i need alot more than love, like water, and food, and a hole in my head.
well, that's all i have to say. my vent for the day. i love you all. 
always remember to smile. 
you are beautiful. 
love, me

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Today I want to thank you. Not for anything special, but just because you have a great personality that makes you pleasant to be around. Just because you are so much fun, but you know when and how to be serious. Just because I feel like I can talk to you about pretty much anything. You make friendship seem like no work at all, and even though that's the way it should be . . . Not every friendship is easy. Although there are so many wonderful things about you . . . I want to thank you most of all for just being you. Because when you are just being you, it's so naturally comfortable being me.
last night, i had a really great time at BYU's Divine Comedy. So funny, and i got glowy sticks and spent some much needed time just laughing my head off and enjoying every minute of it. my friends really are great, and i am so greatfull to all of them. i adore their sweet spirits and the light that they are in my life. they are just all so cute, have the most adorable personalities and make me feel accepted, which, quite frankly, is quite the feat. i just love everything about them, and if any of them are reading this, kate, nikki, chandler, kyli, kems, taylor, camille, jared, skyler... and so many more. you guys are the light to my darkness. and i love you. that is all. 
love, megs :]

Saturday, November 6, 2010

today! :)

A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success: 'Never leave that till tomorrow,' he said,' which you can do today.' This is the man who discovered electricity. You'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. Sometimes, the fear is just of making a decision. Because, what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?
today is... well boring. all my friends are out of town and doing other things, so i'm home. haha. but tonight i'm going to go see a play like thing with some friends, which is really nice, cause i haven't hung out with them in a while. 
anyways, as for the quote, well, we all put off doing things cause we're scared of pain, scared of rejection, etc. but i am a strong believer in just doing it. be spontaneous. it might hurt. it might hurt alot. but, in the end, it'll all work out just the way it is supposed to happen. there is a plan to our lives and no matter what we do it's going to end up working out anyways. so why not go out on a limb, expand your comfort zone, and just have fun? we're only young once, and we need to do everything we can to make it the best ever. that's my goal for this week: to do something i haven't done before, to go out on a limb and do something i wouldn't have normally done. have a great evening! :)
love, me

Friday, November 5, 2010

today... better than yesterday...

he had already yanked some tears out of me without my permission and now here i was obsessing on the psychological origins of his behavior as a way to seem more detached than i really was. i was secretly terrified that the dumb girl inside me might want him back.
well, today was kinda good. i love that quote, and it really, really describes me, which is a good thing and a bad thing. this whole blog thing really is helping me open up, when i remember to post :), but it's kinda scary opening up sometimes. some things are better left unsaid. but i think that our society as a whole has this irrational fear of expressing ourselves, like my irrational fear of grasshoppers. but i think it's unhealthy to not express yourself. we were talking about this in socratic the other day, and i was just thinking how i express myself, and i do express myself more than other people. i do this blog everyday. i think that is expressing myself. i talk ALOT to other people. i love listening to other people too, and, in a way, that is expressing that part of me that only wants to help other people. i write alot of poetry, and that is definatly my soul in those words. i am currently working on nanawrimo, which is a competition wherein you write an entire novel in a month, approximatly 1600 words a day, and i can't write that many words and not put something of my self into them. 
i am, from this day forward, going to work on outwardly expressing my inward emotions, so i can change the way our society views expression. 
this is me getting off my soap box now...
love, me :)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

3 Nov 2010

"I can't take it anymore. Everyone thinks I'm indestructible; the girl who never flinches; the girl who always has a smile on her face; the girl that's gone through so much yet doesn't have one scar -- and I'm tired of it! I don't want to live behind a wall of laughter and smiles anymore. I want people to understand me. I want people to understand how hard it is to be me and to have to deal with all this crap and still be expected to be happy. It's not fair. Why is it that everyone else can just fall apart but I have to be the one to keep it together?"
well, today was just... not fun. at all. today was one of those days where i wonder why i even got out of bed this morning. nothing went according to plan, and, well, i'm sick of my parents. life is just confusing. i've given up on the male population. friends are just people who pretend around you. girls are even more of jerks than guys. food is the enemy. and to top it all off, i had to smack a stupid fake smile on my face, and pretend that everything was just fine and dandy, when in reality, nothing is okay. everything is falling apart. and i can't do anything about it. hopefully, this is just a phase. i am praying this is just a phase...

Monday, November 1, 2010


"He brushed the hair away from my face. As he leaned in I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes as our lips met. The feelings I had, I never did expect. My lips went warm and my body felt tingly. My heartbeat rose as we went apart. Has he caught my breath? We looked and smiled then said good bye. The way I felt I couldn't keep inside." 
hey everyone! sorry it's been a while. alot had happened since last time. i recorded a song, hopefully i'll figure out how to post it on here. :) maybe. haha. well, as for the quote... kinda self explanatory, but it happened a while ago, and now i'm just confused. and waiting for my prince charming to come rescue me. :) oh, and my ex has been showing up at my house, so that's NOT been fun. but that's okay. i kinda miss having a bf actually. it's been 11 months since we broke up, and i miss having someone that i can tell anything and i know i can trust them. it's just nice to have that... not gonna lie. haha. well, i gotta go read The Scarlet Letter for english, so you guys all have a great evening! and i'll talk to you tomorrow? yes? i think yes. :) 
love, me