my life in 250 words

I love the number 23. So it was no coincidence that I was born on the 23rd day of August. 

I had a thing for dating basketball players once. But each of them broke my heart in their own way, and I left them all to break someone else. But they left me with a strange obsession with Jordan shoes and every recorded NBA game for the last 2 seasons.

I secretly love dressing up. If I have the chance to wear a fancy dress, I am all over it. I have been to charity events, balls, and every dance I could ever get to. 

I am going to be a lawyer. Eventually.

My daughter is my entire life. I can't wait to meet her. Only 96 more days. I can't wait. Cannot wait. 

This is only the bare bones of what I am. I am broken eggshells and Denny's in the middle of the night. I am a lot of things, and nothing all at once. 

untitled.

It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like... everybody in the world wants something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you go see some movie or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels... empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't?

the worst feeling in the world

the worst feeling in the world is when you look into the eyes of the one you love and they look away.

there's nothing as knowing that they would rather look at anything -- the cracked cement floor, the peeling paint in the corner of the room, the stranger that just walked by -- than at you. 

but perhaps the saddest thing of all is having to tell yourself to move on and look away too.  

***

sometimes i wonder how different things would have been if we had known each other as kids. maybe then i'd understand why you are the way you are and you'd understand why i am the way i am. 

***

would you even notice if we never talked again, or if i never looked at you again, or if i gave up trying to make you see me? i know i'm not the only person who has ever wondered this. but i do know that i am the only one who thinks these questions every night while trying to let you go.

and i'm trying. i'm really trying to let you go.

rant.

there is so much pressure to have a plus one. 
like if you don't, you're damaged or broken. 
well, i for one really enjoy being single. 
here is why:
i can flirt with whomever i choose.
no commitments.
i can be alone sometimes and it's not weird.
no pressure.
lots of dates. 
meeting new people.

like, why is it so weird that i am enjoying not being tied down?
i can be whoever i want to be this way. 
and that, my friends, is worth it to me. 
for now anyways:)

random quote for your enjoyment:)
"Okay. The best way to get over an it-doesn’t-matter guy is to find a new one. Preferably one who looks good bare chested in red suspenders." -Beauty and the Beast, Thursday nights at 8PM:)

my heart isn't breaking. not this time.

My heart's not breaking, dear.
Don't flatter yourself.
You gave me temporary glaucoma, but I can see again.
You told me about your playground girls and 
your Los Angeles girl and 
all those other high school girls.
 

I found our notebooks by the way.

I tucked them away in a box to deal with later.

I stared at the sun too long and your image burned onto my eyelids. But I blinked -one-two-three- and that was that.

The word 'vague' sticks in the back of my mouth and tastes like a swamp.

I'll gargle you away in a day or two.

I lost approximately zero minutes of sleep over you.

Don't worry, darling.

My heart isn't breaking.

And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. 

as of now.

it goes like this:

i am not so sick anymore.

i broke my phone, then fixed it. but it still doesn't really work.

i have seen every episode of criminal minds ever made.

i love my family more than anything.

i deactivated my twitter and facebook. 

my car needs new brakes.

i might have to move, and i'm okay with it.

my best friend leaves in a week for pennsylvania. i couldn't be more excited for her.

life is just good. 

sometimes life doesn't make much sense.

you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you thta he loves you, but he loves you. and you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. 
you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't have a name for.

guess this is just how life goes.

concussion. 
tear in my esophagus.
it's just been one of those weeks.

but i can't go on my date tonight.
i keep getting dizzy.
BUT i want tucanos so bad,
i might drive down there myself.
goodness.
 

untitled.

take my hand
and take my whole life too.

maybe we're just kids who grew up too fast.

mistakes were made.
consequences are being dealt with.
and it sucks. 
a lot.

in other news:
one of my favorite songs to work out to:
Eyes On Fire-Blue Foundation.
i never knew it was so violent. 
wow. haha 
listen for yourself.

 

you're flawless.

i'm falling guys. hard.
and i'm terrified. 
but i can do this.
i know.

if you know me at all, 
you'd know that i have spent the last 2 years stuck on the same boy. 
crazy huh?
but he met his dream girl, and he's happy.
and, oddly enough, i'm happy for him. 
honestly.
i am.

but i met a new boy.
and i'm not going to say i'm in love,
because chances are i'm not. 
but i think i like this feeling.

his name is cole.
we met at school,
he's in my criminal justice class.
he has blonde hair, and blue eyes that you can just get lost in.
he's smart, and he's not afraid to tell you how he feels.
we've had some pretty intense debates.
he doesn't mind that i've made mistakes.
big ones.
he wants to meet my parents and brothers.
he asked me on a date.
we're going to see side effects. 
so stoked:)

i kind of feel like i am in junior high again.
giggly, giddy, girly. 
but, you know, i like it.
i like that i feel this way about someone else.
i honestly didn't think i ever would.

in other news: i have some huge decisions to make.
but i talked through some things yesterday and i feel 20 million pounds lighter.
it was funny,
i didn't even know i was angry.
oh but i was.
angry enough to cry.
but it's all okay now.
people change.
things happen.
and i understand that now.

we're moving.
in 2 weeks.
it's pretty crazy packing up high school.
all the memories.
all the memories...
i haven't gotten much packed.
i've mostly only sat in the middle of my bedroom and cried.
something reminds me of my penguin.
something reminds me of my grandma.
something reminds me of when i was happy and normal.
something reminds me of before the mistakes...
then i wipe off the tears until i find something else.
i never knew how many memories i had in this room.

but it is going to get better.
i just have to keep that in mind,
and i can get through the day. 
i can get through any day.

meghan's rules for being awesome:

*risk more than is required (especially when playing poker).
*learn more than is normal.
*be strong.
*show courage.
*breathe.
*excel.
*love.
*lead.
*speak what your heart knows is true.
*live your values.
*laugh.
*cry.
*innovate.
*simplify.
*adore mastery.
*release mediocrity.
*aim for genius.
*stay humble.
*be kinder than expected.
*deliver more than is needed.
*exude passion.
*shatter your limits.
*transcend your fears.
*inspire others by your bigness. 
*dream big but start small.
*act now.
*don't stop. 
*change the world.

broken.

Wake up to a sunny day
Not a cloud up in the sky.
And then it starts to rain.
My defenses hit the ground
and they shatter all around,
so open and exposed.

I found strength in the struggle,
face to face with my trouble.

Chorus:
When you're broken in a million little pieces
and you're trying but you can't hold on anymore.
Every tear falls down for a reason.
Don't just stop believing in yourself
when you're broken.

Little girl don't be so blue.
I know what you're going through.
Don't let it beat you up.
Hitting walls and getting scars
only makes you who you are,
makes you who you are. 

No matter how much your heart is aching,
there is beauty in the breaking.


Chorus:
When you're broken in a million little pieces
and you're trying but you can't hold on anymore.
Every tear falls down for a reason.
Don't just stop believing in yourself
when you're broken.

Better days are gonna find you once again.
Every piece will find its place. 
When you're broken, when you're broken...


Chorus:
When you're broken in a million little pieces
and you're trying but you can't hold on anymore.
Every tear falls down for a reason.
Don't just stop believing in yourself
when you're broken.