Friday, December 30, 2011

so, standing up for yourself means you're a bitch now.
cool story.

young and reckless.

take a step back. 
look at yourself.
you are human.
you are beautiful.
you are so beautiful.
and you can be anything.
you can be everything.
do not hate because someone broke your heart,
or because your parents split up,
your bets friend betrayed you,
your father hit you,
the kid down the street called you fat,
do not concern yourself with things you can't control.
cry when you need to,
then let go when it's time.
don't hang onto painful memories 
just because you are afraid to forget.
let do of things that are in the past.
forget things that aren't worth remembering.
stop taking things for granted.
stop taking life for granted. 
live for something.
life for yourself.
fall in love.
fall out of love.
fall in love.
fall out of love.
do this over and over until you know what love really is.
question things.
tell people how you really feel.
sleep under the stars.
share something wonderful.
make something beautiful,
then destroy it.
meet new people.
make someones day.
follow your dreams.
live your life to its full potential.
just live.
let go of the horrible things in life, and live.
and, one day, when you're old,
look back with no regrets.

words do hurt.

i have the scars to prove it.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

you fall short of my lowest expectations.

i want to write something beautiful.
but i don't know what.
i want my words to flow like raindrops meandering down the windowpane.
i want my thoughts to run feely onto these meaningless papers,
creating patterns of love, and hope, and dreams, and promises yet to be fulfilled.
i want to live through these words.
i want to live.

i finished writing my letter for the day,
for my other blog,
and i'm still in a creative mood.
i think i'll go paint.

p.s. i am home! yay(:

p.s.s. they gave me a beautiful necklace when i left(: 
and i found my new favorite quote of forever:
"so this is the part where i'm supposed to say it's not scary.
well, it is.
but fear is natural.
fear is good - 
it just means you're growing."
i'm terrified to go to school.
i'm terrified to be at home really.
but that's normal. 
it means i'm doing something outside of my comfort zone,
and so, i have to just keep going.

i just told a lie.

i told her i didn't have the desire to kill myself anymore.
so she would stop questioning me.
she didn't notice my sad eyes,
or my delayed response,
or how i stuttered.

no one ever does.

we're all walking around with these glossy eyes.
"i'm just tired." we say.
and it's the truth.
we are tired, but not from lack of sleep.
we're tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to.
tired of going to be exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment doing.
we're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us, even though there are dozens of people around.
but why can't we just say it?
humans are so afriad to look into each other's eyes and say:
"i am unhappy.
i am broken and hurt.
i'm hopeless and falliable."
we've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness,
saddness with coldness,
lonelyness with unworthiness,
difference with disease,
as if these feelings are contagious,
as if ambivilance is something to be feared rather than felt. 
well, i say screw all of that.
screw forced smiles,
and polite handshakes,
and "i'm fine, thank you"s.
screw the fear of crying in a public place.
screw the fake chipper voice.
screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems.
we are human.
we are meant to feel.
to feel everything and feel it openly.
we are not metal - we are flesh and bone.
we are intricate and beautiful,
and we should never hide our human parts,
because, if we do,
what's left to show?

i really do think that's what's wrong with the world.
no one says what they feel,
they always hold it inside.
they're sad, but they don't cry.
they're angry, but they don't scream.
because if they do, they feel ashamed,
and that's the worst feeling in the world.
but why should you feel ashamed for doing something that is very natural, and what you were made to do?

so you know what?
this is me.
i'm really moody,
i scream and kick and cry when i'm hurt.
sometimes, well, actually, a lot of the time,
i'm simply not okay.
i have bipolar disorder and it makes me life really hard.
i do not let go easily,
even when everyone is screaming at me to do so.
i am in love with a boy who hates me.
i'm a lot of fun sometimes,
one of the best things about bipolar disorder,
but i also do stupid things.
i really shouldn't be able to make decisions when i'm up or down.
all i want is for someone to try to learn what it's like to be me, so i don't have to explain what's going on all the time.
i am going to marry someone who tries to help me through my ups and downs, because, i am not going to be dependent on medication.
i cry. a lot.
i get hurt really easy, because i have trouble trusting people.
i've been hurt many, many times. 
if i trust you, you are important to me.
if i trust you, you better not hurt me. please..
i have dependency problems. it goes along with my bipolar (addiction problems, dependency problems, etc.)
i am not a healthy girl. i can't eat, sleeping is really hard. 
i'm broken, inside and out.
it's really hard being me, and all i want is for someone, anyone, to want to know what it's like to be me..
most people don't. 
someday, i'll find someone who does. 

i've hurt people because i didn't know what i was doing.
when i was either manic or depressed, i have said things, and done things, that i shouldn't have done. 
i have made decisions that will affect people forever.
i've made decisions that will affect me forever.
i just pray everyday that those people i hurt will forgive me, because i honestly had less of an idea of what was going on then they had.
so, if you're reading this, and you know who you are, i'm sorry.
from the bottom of my heart.
i didn't, and still don't to be completely honest, know what is going on.
i'm just as confused as you,
but i hope you forgive me for hurting you.
i didn't mean to.
i hope God gives you that understanding.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

holy shit, i ruined everything

i feel like i'm going to throw up.
i can't do this anymore...
i can't do this...
help me...

I remember tears streaming down your face, When I said, I'll never let you go

i miss my family.
i never thought i'd say that,
but i miss them.
i haven't seen any of them in...
8 days.
i haven't seen anyone i knew in 8 days actually.

that was a hard day...
a really hard day...
there are people i need to apologize to because of that day.
my parents.
my brothers.
the social worker at the ER.
my ER nurse.
ER doctor..
a lot of people..

i LOVE this song.
it's called Safe and Sound.
by Taylor Swift featuring The Civil Wars.
it's from the Hunger Games Soundtrack.
i've listened to it probably..
a million times.
luckily the girl i share a room with loves the Hunger Games too.
only she thinks Katniss should have ended up in Gale.
Peeta all the way.

i think i live my perfect love stories through other people.
and i daydream way too much.
since i'm never going to get married,
i just have to help my friends/other people have their happy endings(:

p.s. the cutest thing happened. idk if i've already told you, but 2 of the patients here are getting married. it's the cutest thing. he proposed to her on Christmas eve, by the huge tree, with a paper ring cause it's all he could find in here. she asked me to be her maid of honor(: i love this. wedding is tomorrow. we're all wearing our hospital gowns, she's carrying dried flowers. it's probably the cutest thing ever. 

oh life is good.
i cried about you last night.
first time since you left.
it felt good.
tears are calming,
that doesn't change how i feel,
not at all.
now all the pain is gone.
all the sorrow.
i've come to grips with the situation, 
and now,
now there's only one thing left.
i love you.
and it sucks.
it hurts a lot.
but it's the truth.

oh! good luck to the maeser boys tomorrow!!

ps: i might be able to go home on friday(:

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

just wanted to stop by.

i really don't have much time.
just wanted to stop by and say,
"i'm still alive!"
(my best friend was worried i wouldn't make it through the night without him. but i did:) ))
still truckin.
hopefully i get to just go home soon.
i painted a picture today.
maybe i'll show it to you someday.
but yes.
it was a good day.
i painted.
i'm going to write a letter to a german when i'm done here.
(yay for pen pals. and awesome things. and getting to finally use a pen.)
gotta write my poem of the day.
(another therapy tip, though i've been doing it since may. a good way to get my feelings out.)
i gotta update my other blog someday soon.
(i think i run out of queued posts in a few days..)
oh! my buddy from NC is coming this weekend.
hopefully i'm out of here,
so i can see her(:

overall: good day(:
just need a few more and i'll be ready to face the world.
or not..
i'm scared..
maybe i'll tell you why tomorrow.

night guys!!

Monday, December 26, 2011

my best friend(:

oh my goodness.
my best friend lives a million miles away in germany.
and he's the only person to make me smile in 3 weeks.
not a fake, cordial, this is my "life is good but not really" smile, 
but a real smile.
a "i actually have hope for the future" smile.
he's my favorite pen pal.
he's my favorite period.

my favorites from our conversation today:
"feel hugged alright =) i big one...HUGE one =) "
"i want you to be as healthy and beautiful as i left you when i come back someday alright? =)"
"to be honest id rather have a weird, and maybe even a little broken girl than a girl that is not what she really is"
"cuz i know its important to listen and its not important what my body tells me haha youre the one that was and is important. i can sleep and my tiredness is gone. one good long night of sleep wont do for you i guess. thats why =)"

he's just the best friend i have right now.
he honestly is trying to help me through this(:
shout out to my favorite german(:
thanks for everything.

writing a 4 page letter: 2 hours.
envelope: 25 cents.
postage: $1.82.
sending a letter to my best friend: priceless (:

christmas must be something more

yesterday: christmas.
it was hard not being with my family.
but i learned what christmas is really about.
it's about giving.
it's about loving.
it's about being with people you love.

i love all the people here.
they are some of the sweetest,
most amazing people i have ever met.
i have made some lifelong friends here, 
simply because they are so understanding.
these people are here for the same reason as me.
they are here because they don't know how to deal with life.
they are here because they try to be  happy for too long,
and then they fall apart.
just like me.
it's fantastic.

in other news:
my concussion hurts when i cry.
fish tanks are the single most calming things in the world.
(i have spent a combination of ... like 16 hours this week sitting in front of this fish tank.)
2 of the patients are getting married!!
(he proposed with a paper ring. so cute(: that's love. l-o-v-e)
i officially give up on a certain person.
i wish i could leave here, but then again i don't.
(i love how simple life is when you don't have to worry about anything.)
i watched tangled yesterday!
and for therapy, i painted a picture. 
with paint pens.
one of my friends went home yesterday.
best christmas present ever, i think(:

over all, i think this was the best christmas ever(:
unconventional, yes.
but good nonetheless(:

Sunday, December 25, 2011

please, please remember:

please, just remember when you say things, you’re talking to a human being with feelings. if there is one thing i’ve learned through all of this, one word can kill a person. kill them physically, or, even worse, kill them emotionally. you might think you're funny, or it doesn't really matter because they're a "nobody" or "they won't mind. they're my friend" or "it doesn't really matter". it does matter. it sure as hell matters. when you mess with someone's feelings you are saying to them that they don't matter. you are saying to them that they are better off dead.
i need to get this out. i'm freaking out.
my roomate, she gave me permission to say this, is here because of this very thing. people are idiots. as much as you think what other people say to you doesn't hurt you, it does. it kills.
she is here because she attempted to take her life. she is here because she started to believe those things that people were saying to her. she is here for the same reason as many of us, because our already low self-esteem was crushed by someone who thought they were funny. someone who thought they mattered more than us. well, i'm here to tell you, and anyone who has ever called anyone anything mean, said anything mean, done anything mean to hurt someone else, shame on you. you won't feel it was so funny when you go to school and found out that person decided they were better off dead than to listen to you anymore. you're not going to think it was funny when you have to have a death hanging over your head.
i know what it's like to be made fun of. i know what it's like to be hated. i've been to very dark, very scary places because of the things people have said to me. and some people, i still let bother me. people close to me who have said very, very mean things about me.

please, just remember you are talking to a human being, with feelings just like you. not everyone deals with being called a bitch, or a slut, or any negative words. some people don't like being called that, and i bet, if you were to step into that person's shoes, you wouldn't like it very much either.
please, remember, these are Children of God you are talking about.
not rocks.

merry christmas(:

i got moved out of the crisis unit today.
that means i'm on the road to recovery,
and that's i'll get to go home soon(:
it truly is a merry christmas.
(( can't wait to go home.
everyone is waiting to open their presents for me.
even my little baby cousins:)
i love my family:) ))

spending time with God puts everything else in perspective

i've had a lot of time to think.
now, most of the time,
thinking is not good for me.
i think far too much,
about things that i have far too little control over.
and it stresses me out.
and i have mental breakdowns. 
and it's bad.
but, sometimes, 
i need to stop and think.
think about me.
where i'm going,
where i've been.
who i'm with now,
who i want to be with.
what is important.
and i realized what is important.
family is important.
God is the most important.
friends are pretty important too,
but not as important as family.

these past few months have been hard for me.
but now, we know what's wrong with me,
which is good.
we know we are on the road to fix it.
also good.
but i learned something for myself.
family is ALWAYS there.
even when people you thought would never leave you,
your family still loves you.

i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
it's not fun,
but it's something i will live with.
i'm getting help.
and some people in my life don't want deal with me.
with my ups and downs.
and that's okay.
i don't blame them.
it's really hard to be like this.
i don't even want to know how it feels to deal with me.
it must be so hard.
so i don't blame them.
i can't.

some people have really tried.
my cute friend brought me a little christmas tree.
that way my room is a little more..
since i have to stay here for christmas and all.
my mom's best friend came and painted my fingernails.
she found out i had ripped off my acrylics,
and they looked gross.
so she made me look pretty.
this really great eagle scout brought me a blanket on my first night.
i couldn't sleep.
i didn't have my penguin.
it was just a not so great night.
and that blanket helped so much.
so many people have tried.
some haven't.
some gave up before they had the chance.
some just don't care.
to those people, i say:
i wish you could know how it feels to be me.
but you can't.
and that's okay. 
it's something i have to learn to deal with,
something everyone around me has to learn how to deal with.
it's going to take time.
it's going to be hard.
but i can do it without you.
and hopefully you'll see the change.
i hope you can see i'm changing,
and that's i'm trying.
because that's all i can do.

p.s. happy birthday Jesus. 
thanks for always being there.
thanks for the gift of family and friends.
thanks for every little thing.
thanks for accepting me for who i am.
thanks for showing me the feeling of being love.
i don't ask for any material gifts,
only the gift of happiness.
thanks for showing me how wonderful my life truly is.
thanks for all the love, care and blessings.
i truly am blessed.
thank you.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

when promises mean nothing

when people change,
hearts are broken.

when hearts are broken,
things are said.

when things are said,
feelings get hurt.

when feelings get hurt,
people fall apart.

when people fall apart,
people change.

and the cycle is never ending.

all i'm gonna say is this:
i used to be important to you.
you used to care about me. 
you don't anymore,
and i understand that.
but it still hurts when you act like that.
when you hate me.
when you make fun of me.
a little human decency would be nice.
thank you.

maybe they think it'll help.

i found out i get to use the computer once a day.
for 10 minutes.
since i don't know how to say my words,
i write them.
that's what they've learned.
my therapy sessions are all on paper.
she asks me questions,
i write a short story.
or poem.
or something in response.

that's my release.

it's my way to use my words.
i can't get them out with my mouth,
so i use my fingers.
i write them.
my arms.
that's what my therapist said.
get it out.

so i am.

Friday, December 23, 2011

i get to use a computer

i sit here thinking,
"what could i possibly say right now?"
words meghan.
just use your words.
but i don't want to...
words are sketchy.
words can be taken a million different ways.
sometimes they are a cry out,
sometimes they show something about who we are.
and sometimes, just saying them says something.
just using your mouth to form the words can be an accomplishment.
so while i sit here, typing these words,
you are thinking of others.
"where has she been?"
"what has she seen?"
"what has changed about her, 
that makes her question her words?"

words change us you know.
sometimes, words are the only things that change us.
someone physically saying,
"you're crazy."

does something to you. 
someone physically saying, 
"i don't want to talk to you."
does something to you.
someone physically saying,
"tell me everything."
does something.
it creates a little spark.
those 3 words say many things.
"i am here to listen."
"i care about you."
"i want to know more about you."
"you are important to me."
they say many things.

that's why i'm here.
to learn to use my words.
to learn to give my words to the world and say,
"world, i am giving these to you,
because i don't want them in my head anymore.
i don't want to deal with them,
i don't want to file them away for later,
i want to give them to you.
for now, 
and forever.
i don't want them back.
do with them as you wish."
and i have to walk away.
give them to the world,
and not care what they think.
don't care that they won't believe me.
don't care that they need proof.
just simply don't care.
i gave to them the only thing i know how.
my words.

so here, world, are my words.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

if my life was a movie, i wouldn't be where i am now.

Last night I heard my own heart beating
Sounded like footsteps on my stairs
Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there

I was playing back a thousand memories, baby
Thinkin' 'bout everythin' we've been through
Maybe I've been goin' back too much lately
When time stood still and I had you

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would, you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside
'Til I came out

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then
Locked up in your arms and our friends were laughing
'Cause nothing like this ever happened to them

Now, I'm pacing down the hall, chasing down your street
Flashback to the night when you said to me
"Nothing's gonna change, not for me and you "
Not before I knew how much I had to lose

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would, you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside
'Til I came out

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

If you're out there, if you're somewhere, if you're moving on
I've be waiting for you ever since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
And I just wanna see you back at my front door

And I say come back, come back, come back to me like
You would before you said it's not that easy
Before the fight, before I locked you out
But I'd take it all back now

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would, you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside
'Til I came out

Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if you just said sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

You'd be here by now
It's not the kind of ending you wanna see now
Baby, what about the ending?
Oh, I thought you'd be here by now

That you'd be here by now

everyone keeps saying i should be bitter.
i should be angry.
but, quite honestly and simply,
i'm not.
i'm not angry.
i'm not sad.
i'm not crying over him.
i'm done being upset.
yes, i want what i had.
but i lost it.
it was my fault,
my doing,
i understand that.
so i'm dealing with those consequences.
doesn't make me any less hopeful.
i'm glad i got to spend 6 months of my life with the most amazing person i have ever met.
i'm grateful i got to learn what i did from him.
i'm completely content with the fact that i will always love him, because that's what i committed to.
i do love him.
i love those 6 months.
i love that i got to spend basically every minute with him.
i love his family.
i love the influence that he was in my life.
i love everything about the last 6 months.
i love that he let me go.
i have learned a lot about myself in these past 2 weeks.
((i'm gonna write a book.
my time lost and found in insanity:i really wasn't crazy. by Meghan Carpenter. it's gonna happen. wait for it. i'll even sign it.)
and i know i'll only continue to learn.
that's the great thing about life.
if you let it,
it's the best teacher ever.
you can learn,
you can grow,
like other teachers,
you can stagnate (ooh. good word :)
you can refuse to learn.
life can make you bitter. 
i've seen it happen to many people.
(a lot of people here are very bitter)
but, i'm not gonna let it get the best of me.
i'm learning.
i'm learning to deal with pain.
deal with anger.
deal with happiness.
i'm learning. 

((see stupid doctors? i'm not crazy.))
(((saying that probably only solidifies what they think. that's great.)))

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

i hope you miss me when i'm gone

drake is, 
quite honestly,
one of the most genius,
articulate rapper i have ever heard. 
i love that man.
if i had the chance,
i would marry him. 
no joke.

Monday, December 12, 2011

just livin' life

i did some crazy things today.
told someone my feelings.
finally talked to someone.
told them my feelings.

maybe i should take pain meds more often.
they make me so ambitious(:


i was this way because i decided i want to be this way.
i'm going to decide one thing to do everyday.
today that thing was a little crazy,
well, a lot crazy,
but i'll choose something everyday.
-talk to someone new.
-help someone who looks upset.
-tell someone they look beautiful, and mean it.
-be someone's shoulder to cry on.

just something simple like that. 
and, it feels good to check something off my list.
usually, my list is taller than i am,
and there is simply no way to check everything off,
so i never check anything off.
i give up before i start because the task is too big.
so here's my first effort. 
ALWAYS check at least one thing off.
and who knows?
maybe that one thing can help someone else.
brighten their day.
((i do hope so:)))


my parents are fucking insane.
that is all. 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

dear whoever is reading this:

you are beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. never give up(:

Saturday, December 10, 2011


it has been brought to my attention that my blog posts seem...
sort of flighty?

i'm here to confirm this.
they are indeed.

when i go through something hard,
such as this past week, 
or month,
or year really,
i have mixed feelings about everything.
i often times change my mind about how i feel.

for example:
this whole boy situation.
(that's what my last 3 posts were about)
first 2 posts, i was doin' good.
barely even hurt to look at him.
i saw that he was happy and i was content with that.
i was having a good day,
only hurting a little.
then i got home.
and i started thinking.
(as i have mentioned before,
that's not good for me.
thinking about what i used to have.
what i messed up on.
how much i wanted that back.
and i fell apart.
i was strong,
then weak.
but i got back up again.
the next day,
i was fine.
we even exchanged words!
i know.
and i was feelin' good. 
side note: shakespeare was awesome(:
(i love the sonnets.
especially right now.
so many of them perfectly describe how i feel.
it's a wee bit strange.
but lovely:))
i was havin' a great day.
wonderful even.
i would dare say blissful!
i made 200 cupcakes in about 2 hours,
i think i should be on cupcake wars now,
didn't even have the urge to text him.
(great feeling. by the way.)
and then,
i decided to go to the basketball game.
BAD idea meghan.
bad bad idea.
at first,
i didn't think he was going to be there,
and it was wonderful.
i cheered for my wonderful maeserites.
we won(: by a lot.
and then he did come.
he came and sat right across the gym from me.
and every time the ball dribbled by him,
a little piece of my poor heart got pinched off,
and thrown aside,
making me physically sick.
that sucked.
then, meghan, not me, duh,
had to leave early.
i told her no biggie,
and that i'd find another ride.
only problem is i didn't.
and then, 
i walked outside to talk to watabe,
and got locked out.
so i sat outside in 15 degree,
december in utah,
see your breath,
it's way too cold to be outside in this,
why the heck don't i go somewhere warm,
like the prison that's right there,
or something
for an hour.
waiting for my darling parents,
who then yelled at me for being irresponsible for another hour,
then, they decided to take it out on the school,
it wasn't the school's fault. 
at all.
and i explained to them that they couldn't do that,
that i handled the situation,
and that it's not their fault,
so we basically just screamed at each other for another hour,
and then,
i went home,
crawled into my warm bed with 9 comforters,
no joke,
3 pairs of socks,
2 sweatshirts,
and 4 pairs of sweatpants,
snuggled the only stuffed animal i've ever slept with,
pulled my covers over my head,
instead of crying,
i prayed.
i prayed for strength.
wisdom through my trials.
the ability to forgive others.
i prayed for roy,
and for my parents,
and for my friends,
for my school,
for the president,
for anyone who is struggling.
i told God of my struggles,
my insecurities,
the way i was feeling,
and i could almost feel Him nodding His head,
reassuring me that He knows how i feel.
"And, behold, I am with thee, and I will keep thee, in all places withersoever thou goest."
Genesis 28: 15 
He was there for me,
and instead of me falling asleep crying like i have for the past 2 weeks,
i fell asleep, smiling,
because i know that even when i feel so alone,
and so cold,
and so afraid,
He's there.
His arms are around me, 
and if He's there,
i don't need to feel lonely.
i am strong,
warmed with His love.
i don't need to be scared,
the Lord will show me all things in time. 
i just have to have faith in His timing,
trust He knows what's best for me,
and be grateful for what He has helped me through.
which is a lot.