tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29097593252260869752024-03-13T06:36:04.082-06:00bipolar.princessi believe in love. i believe in second chances and silly bands and making myself happy, because no one else ever will. meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.comBlogger493125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-83381983528983098832014-06-28T10:29:00.003-06:002014-06-28T10:29:56.235-06:00a new start<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I think, in life, we are able to start over any day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We can just wake up and be different, a different person, a different day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I woke up today and I decided I didn't want to carry the weight any more. I didn't want to drag my past around with me like a ball and chain anymore. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So I am moving on. I am going to keep the past in the past and move forward. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I made a new blog. I thought about deleting this whole blog, making the past, literally go away. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But this is a part of my life. I deserve to have this to read back on when I'm feeling nostalgic. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Well, here's to the future. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">missmeghanlanae.blogspot.com</span></div>
meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-53800643887075752162014-05-14T22:48:00.000-06:002014-06-28T10:13:57.992-06:00So Your Brain Wants You Dead -- A Personal Essay<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">It starts by feeling like you've done something horrible, something unthinkably awful -- like you've just told your mom you hopes she dies, and then she does. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Professionals have trained me to assess this feeling with an objective evaluation, as if I'm an outside observer of my own brain. I'm supposed to ask myself, "What is the source of this feeling? Does it have a source? Is that source (or non-source) justified in provoking this feeling? Do I truly want to die, or is that just a primeval, fight-or-flight demon screaming between my eyes and vomiting fire into my chest?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Sometimes this approach is effective. sometimes it fails. And when it fails, I hide. I hide in the bathroom of my office. I hide under the covers of my bed at home. I hide wherever witnesses are absent and my brain is omnipresent. I want someone to be there, but frankly, I don't trust many people to absurd that level of vulnerability gracefully. It's a lonely feeling.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">That's when it's internal. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Then there's the external. From a clinical perspective, you could call it "social". It usually happens when I'm around a boy I like, or when I'm around, say, the owners of Crest Financial Services. In particular, this happens when I'm sitting a few feet from them in a small office listening to where the company is going, etc. and I am mentally preparing myself to offer up my suggestions - a new policy, or a marketing idea. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I start to shake. Physically, visibly shake. I'm holding my notebook to my chest tightly to ensure my shaking would not be visible. As I listen to the successful men I look up to speak about net growth and projections, I can't move my face. If I try to smile or open my mouth, my lips start to quiver and my jaw shivers, as if I'm sitting naked in a meat locker.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Sitting in this room right now, I am a sudden loud noise away from screaming very loudly and fainting. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And after each such encounter, as I sit in the break room attempting to insert a gluten-free sandwich into my numb mouth with wobbly hands attached to rubber arms, I can't help but ask myself: Is this, this learning and growing, is it the best thing for me right now, for someone with crippling social anxiety and bipolar disorder? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So, you want work for a growing finance company...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When I first started at Crest as an underwriter a year ago, I overwhelmed my boyfriend at the time with all the insecurities that plagued me at my new job. He was supportive, but after hearing me express dread about nearly every aspect of the job I would start the next day, he wavered. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"I think you have to ask yourself," he said, "is this the right job for you?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">That's a fair question. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">That will always be a fair question, because it's a very, very tough just for me times. Sometimes, being where I am, doing what I am doing, is a little like wearing a wool sweater, when you're allergic to wool. But, even when my mental illness is at its worst, I always want to feel useful. So much of the pain of mental illness derives from that feeling that you have nothing to offer anyone -- that with your illness, you're a burden to everyone around you. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So, what <i>is</i> bipolar disorder? Here's the gist of it: Sometimes you're too high, sometimes you're too low -- and in either case , you could end up hurt or dead. But by even attempting to define bipolar disorder, I risk doing a disservice to anyone living with the disease. It is a very personal disease, and those diagnosed (about 3 percent of all people) have widely varying experiences. Bipolar disorder is not diagnosed lightly, and many of those diagnosed have suffered more than they could ever articulate. If you meet someone who's been touched by Bipolar disorder or any mental illness, just remember this: You're lucky they;re still there to meet you. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I was diagnosed with social-anxiety disorder at the same time I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Think of bipolar as the main course and social anxiety as the Sriacha hot sauce distributed liberally throughout. Sometimes, all I can taste is the Sriacha. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br />Thing is, this stuff doesn't go away. There is no cure. I can't pick myself up by the bootstraps. There will be days when I'm simply not the person that I want to be. While I don't want to make excuses for that, perhaps it would be fair to my co-workers if I at least gave them an explanation. On bad days, I could go home and bitterly stew over being misunderstood -- or I could at least have the assurance that I've allowed my coworkers (and really, all the people in my life) some chance to understand. Most people want to understand stuff anyways. So let me explain. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So you've always been like this...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I was a stubborn, moody little brat when I was a kid. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As a toddler, I was prone to bouts of extreme irritability. To vent my frustrations, I would often bite myself on my arms and legs, hard. I spent most of my early childhood with half moon-shaped bite marks all over my body. There was no reason for it, if you're wondering. I just didn't have the capacity to stop myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">By the time I was a teenager, a dark storm could had settled over my head. Most of the time, it was the usual angst you'd expect from a moody teenager. Other times, it was deeper than that. Quietly, I questioned the point of living. I saw no meaning in my day-to-day life, and it didn't seem like it was going to get better when I got older. As morbid as that sounds, most people probably would've witnessed a well-adjusted, socially adept young woman. I was an active participant in classes. I had people around me who called me a friend. I seemed to be "normal" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But here's what's also true: I was in 2 abusive relationships, and I allowed myself to be used. I never had more than a few close friends at a time, and most of my friendships were lucky to last longer than a year. My younger siblings feared me and my irrational mood swings. For every great height, there was a great crash. Nothing was constant. I starting making a habit of mitigating my pain or bottling it up -- after all, I couldn't bite my arms anymore. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So it's officially offensive to call you "crazy"...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When I first went to college, I suffered the worst depression of my life up to that point. I was constantly out of energy and everything I did seemed purposeless. Some might chalk it up to the freshman blues, but the feeling persisted for months -- and even into the summer. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I went to my family doctor, who prescribed me Lexapro, a fairly common antidepressant. After about a month, I went back for a checkup. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"How do you feel?" he asked. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"About the same," I answered. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"OK."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So he doubled my dose. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">That worked for about a year and a half. I still had bouts of loneliness and despair, but they were muted. I thought persistent sadness was pretty normal. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I felt most pain in those times after elation. When you get up high, you have to come back down, and I hated coming back down. So my solution was to stop getting up high. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Most people in the self-discovery stages of bipolar disorder would probably try to stay high by engaging in increasingly risky behavior. Call it self-control, call it martyrdom, call it spending my college years in a sheltered home with my parents; my journey to conquering my bipolar is mostly landscaped with staying at home and avoiding the unpredictability of humans. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So you hate everyone as much as you hate yourself...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A lot has happened to me since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. There's been a lot pain -- some mental and emotional, some self-inflicted. I've tried to kill myself twice. I've been hospitalized, and I've been treated with electroshock therapy. Sometimes, people ask me to recount some of the more outrageous, <i>One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest</i>-esque details formative to me as a patient of mental illness. I;d love to talk about it too. I wish I could wear every horrific incident as a merit badge on a Boy Scout uniform. But I didn't write this piece to win you over with the shock-and-awe of my cranial diseases. If you knew and understood absolutely everything I've been through since I was diagnosed--since college, since high school, since I was a toddler-- there wouldn't be much to explain. Everyone want to be understood. Realizing that no one will ever fully understand what I had been through was one of the hardest -- and most important realizations -- I ever made. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I made that realization at that desperate moment in life, at the tail-end of my most recent shock-and-awe era. I was living in my parents' basement, unemployed, unmotivated, 2 semesters away from being done with school, but no where near ready to go back to school and pissed off at humanity for not having a whole lot of sympathy for my invisible problems. After pushing my way through every episode of <i>Battlestar Galactica, </i>I had come to recognize that bitterness had gotten me no closer to a new life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I re-enrolled in school, transferred up to the University of Utah and got a job. My first ever, real life, grown up, big girl job. I was going to be working for a growing company, making more than minimum wage and doing what I thought I loved: analysis and customer service. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have now been here for a year, and I can honestly say the past year has been nothing as I would have expected, for 2 reasons. First, I never thought I would still be here. I had never had a job for longer than a few months, and who would have thought that me, of all people, would find that their first job was the job they loved?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Second, I found out that I really hate analysis and customer service. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Few people at Crest know about my mental illness. No one knows the extent to which I am affected on a day-to-day basis. Of all the things I do, taking phone calls is the hardest, especially in terms of anxiety-inducing tasks. My first call was a simple, 3 minute phone call, but I only took 15 seconds of oxygen with me to work that day. Put more bluntly, I couldn't breathe. I had a panic attack in the middle of a call with a random stranger in some po-dunk town in Texas. Seeing as I had talked on the phone before, and that I knew the answers to the questions he asked, I thought it would be a cakewalk. What I failed to remember is that anxiety just kind of does whatever it wants to, whenever it wants, and there is no prevention mechanism for that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder bring separate challenges to my job, but neither seems advantageous. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Being bipolar, the biggest obstacle is perhaps more for my co-workers, who don't know which distinct variety of Meghan Carpenter they may be getting on any given day -- or hour. At one point during the day, I might be incredibly cheerful and energetic, holding conversations with people until no one is talking back. But maybe a few hours later, I may be quick to snap at everyone and paranoid about the intentions of my colleagues. Sometimes I become completely sapped of energy, and I conserve to the point of simply performing the minimal requirements of my job. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">While bipolar disorder feels like something that would affect the people around me more, anxiety disorder seems more like an internal nuisance. When I'm at the office, it can creep up into my limbs and try to trap my heart, and I have to get up and pace around to shake it off. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So you think you know who I am...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Since I started working on this piece, many people have lauded me for having the courage to tell my story. I'm never good with compliments, but I am always appreciative regardless. Still, I have to admit that I don't <i>feel </i>courageous. I'm rather audaciously assuming that my life story will be interesting to everyone who reads it and that it is courageous enough to convince a panel of readers that I deserve what someone else won't receive. That doesn't sound like courage to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But how about this for courage: How many people do you know for a fact fight mental illness at your workplace? If you're struggling to think of anyone, then you're either self-employed, or you live in a culture that still isn't totally comfortable acknowledging one of the more debilitating sets of ailments imaginable. Because here's the simple truth: There's next to no chance that you won't interact with someone touched by mental illness today. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Think about that the next time you leave your house. Think about that when you go to the grocery store and someone gives you a dirty look in the cereal aisle. Think about all the times when you interact with another human being, and you're perplexed by someone's rudeness or despondence or uncomfortable elation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Understanding mental illness is not about saying the right things or having the most progressive, enlightened perspective informed by a cutting-edge blog. Understanding mental illness is about the most basic principle of human dignity: kindness. Be kind, assume nothing and know that the guy you sit next to at the office might be trying to decide whether to answer all of his e-mails or go cry in the bathroom. Your own brother or sister or mother or father could have self-inflicted scars that they're hiding, even from the people that would love them no matter what. Anyone you bump into on the street could have just conducted a failed suicide attempt -- an attempt they'll never tell anyone about. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And a seemingly successful 19 year old mother, sitting in a room of successful businessmen, talking about something mundane, could have been very close to taking her own life a few years ago. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My name's Meghan. It's nice to meet you.</span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-51302106245527801162014-02-09T18:11:00.001-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.988-06:00life has a funny way of working out.<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">It has been so long since I have written. I think partially because I didn't know what to say, and partially because there were so many thoughts in my head I didn't know what to do with them. I guess I was scared. But that's the thing; I'm not scared anymore. This is who I am.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">My beautiful daughter was born on August 1st after about 3 weeks of hell. The labor was nice and easy though, so I guess I have to count my blessings. She is literally the light of my life. I don't know where I would be with out her. I know I would be, at least, addicted to drugs because that was the next place my life was headed about a year ago. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">It's amazing to think how much has changed in a year. I had a baby. I was engaged, and then not again. I went to school; I got a real life job. I grew up I guess. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I spent a few weeks in an intensive, out-patient therapy program. I </span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-71032258275880304922013-05-03T17:24:00.001-06:002014-06-28T10:13:58.017-06:00my life in 250 words<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I love the number 23. So it was no coincidence that I was born on the 23rd day of August. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I had a thing for dating basketball players once. But each of them broke my heart in their own way, and I left them all to break someone else. But they left me with a strange obsession with Jordan shoes and every recorded NBA game for the last 2 seasons.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I secretly love dressing up. If I have the chance to wear a fancy dress, I am all over it. I have been to charity events, balls, and every dance I could ever get to. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am going to be a lawyer. Eventually.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My daughter is my entire life. I can't wait to meet her. Only 96 more days. I can't wait. Cannot wait. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This is only the bare bones of what I am. I am broken eggshells and Denny's in the middle of the night. I am a lot of things, and nothing all at once. </span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-73702408503826511442013-03-21T20:47:00.002-06:002014-06-28T10:13:58.026-06:00untitled.<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">It's
like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for
something. But I don't know what
for. It's like... everybody in the world
wants something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they
just keep
finding out what it's not. You know how, when
you go see some movie or you come out of some concert, and everything
just feels...
empty? Like you thought that would be what
you wanted, and then it wasn't? </span></span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-9992136910342576512013-03-14T10:28:00.000-06:002014-06-28T10:13:58.069-06:00the worst feeling in the world<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">the worst feeling in the world is when you look into the eyes of the one you love and they look away.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">there's nothing as knowing that they would rather look at anything -- the cracked cement floor, the peeling paint in the corner of the room, the stranger that just walked by -- than at you. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">but perhaps the saddest thing of all is having to tell yourself to move on and look away too. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">***</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">sometimes i wonder how different things would have been if we had known each other as kids. maybe then i'd understand why you are the way you are and you'd understand why i am the way i am. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">***</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">would you even notice if we never talked again, or if i never looked at you again, or if i gave up trying to make you see me? i know i'm not the only person who has ever wondered this. but i do know that i am the only one who thinks these questions every night while trying to let you go.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">and i'm trying. i'm really trying to let you go. </span></div>
meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-669394924601625142013-03-08T17:25:00.001-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.011-06:00rant.<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">there is so much pressure to have a plus one. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">like if you don't, you're damaged or broken. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">well, i for one really enjoy being single. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">here is why:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">i can flirt with whomever i choose.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">no commitments.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">i can be alone sometimes and it's not weird.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">no pressure.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">lots of dates. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">meeting new people.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">like, why is it so weird that i am enjoying not being tied down?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">i can be whoever i want to be this way. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">and that, my friends, is worth it to me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">for now anyways:)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">random quote for your enjoyment:)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"Okay. The best way to get over an it-doesn’t-matter guy is to find a new
one. Preferably one who looks good bare chested in red suspenders." -Beauty and the Beast, Thursday nights at 8PM:)</span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-13396092072962945892013-03-06T19:51:00.000-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.929-06:00my heart isn't breaking. not this time.<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">My heart's not breaking, dear.<br />
Don't flatter yourself.</span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
You gave me temporary glaucoma, but I can see again.</span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
You told me about your playground girls and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">your Los Angeles girl and </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">all those other high school girls.<br /> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I found our notebooks by the way.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I tucked them away in a box to deal with later. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"></span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
I stared at the sun too long and your image burned onto my eyelids. But I blinked <i>-one-two-three- </i>and that was that.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
The word 'vague' sticks in the back of my mouth and tastes like a swamp.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
I'll gargle you away in a day or two.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
I lost approximately zero minutes of sleep over you.</span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
Don't worry, darling.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
My heart isn't breaking.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i>And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. </i> </span></div>
meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-45127182636347370652013-03-05T13:52:00.002-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.973-06:00as of now.<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">it goes like this:</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i am not so sick anymore.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i broke my phone, then fixed it. but it still doesn't really work.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i have seen every episode of criminal minds ever made.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i love my family more than anything.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i deactivated my twitter and facebook. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">my car needs new brakes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i might have to move, and i'm okay with it.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">my best friend leaves in a week for pennsylvania. i couldn't be more excited for her.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>life is just good. </i></span></div>
meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-40424650133923247482013-02-18T13:35:00.000-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.967-06:00sometimes life doesn't make much sense.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you thta he loves you, but he loves you. and you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't have a name for.</span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-48740976877507619562013-02-08T13:39:00.003-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.980-06:00guess this is just how life goes.<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">concussion. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">tear in my esophagus.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">it's just been one of those weeks.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">but i can't go on my date tonight.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">i keep getting dizzy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">BUT i want tucanos so bad,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">i might drive down there myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">goodness.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-71994417408563637472013-02-07T14:47:00.001-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.020-06:00untitled.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">take my hand</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and take my whole life too.</span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-34312280034605355072013-02-07T10:01:00.001-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.952-06:00maybe we're just kids who grew up too fast.<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">mistakes were made.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">consequences are being dealt with.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">and it sucks. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">a lot.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">in other news:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">one of my favorite songs to work out to:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Eyes On Fire-Blue Foundation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">i never knew it was so violent. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">wow. haha </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">listen for yourself.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/IUGzY-ihqWc?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-88993346827212398792013-02-06T09:24:00.000-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.059-06:00you're flawless.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i'm falling guys. hard.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and i'm terrified. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">but i can do this.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i know.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">if you know me at all, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">you'd know that i have spent the last 2 years stuck on the same boy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">crazy huh?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">but he met his dream girl, and he's happy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and, oddly enough, i'm happy for him. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">honestly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i am.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">but i met a new boy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and i'm not going to say i'm in love,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">because chances are i'm not. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">but i think i like this feeling.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">his name is cole.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">we met at school,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">he's in my criminal justice class.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">he has blonde hair, and blue eyes that you can just get lost in.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">he's smart, and he's not afraid to tell you how he feels.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">we've had some pretty intense debates.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">he doesn't mind that i've made mistakes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">big ones.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">he wants to meet my parents and brothers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">he asked me on a date.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">we're going to see <i>side effects. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">so stoked:)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i kind of feel like i am in junior high again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">giggly, giddy, girly. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">but, you know, i like it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i like that i feel this way about someone else.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i honestly didn't think i ever would.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">in other news: i have some huge decisions to make.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">but i talked through some things yesterday and i feel 20 million pounds lighter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">it was funny,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i didn't even know i was angry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">oh but i was.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">angry enough to cry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">but it's all okay now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">people change.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">things happen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and i understand that now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">we're moving.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">in 2 weeks.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">it's pretty crazy packing up high school.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">all the memories.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">all the memories...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i haven't gotten much packed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i've mostly only sat in the middle of my bedroom and cried.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">something reminds me of my penguin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">something reminds me of my grandma.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">something reminds me of when i was happy and normal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">something reminds me of before the mistakes...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">then i wipe off the tears until i find something else.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i never knew how many memories i had in this room.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">but it is going to get better.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i just have to keep that in mind,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and i can get through the day. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">i can get through any day.</span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-50535019622020633552013-01-28T11:38:00.000-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.985-06:00meghan's rules for being awesome:<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*risk more than is required (especially when playing poker).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*learn more than is normal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*be strong.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*show courage.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*breathe.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*excel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*lead.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*speak what your heart knows is true.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*live your values.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*laugh.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*cry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*innovate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*simplify.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*adore mastery.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*release mediocrity.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*aim for genius.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*stay humble.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*be kinder than expected.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*deliver more than is needed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*exude passion.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*shatter your limits.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*transcend your fears.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*inspire others by your bigness. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*dream big but start small.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*act now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*don't stop. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*change the world.</span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-8961471072842558832013-01-09T18:08:00.001-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.062-06:00broken.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Wake up to a sunny day</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Not a cloud up in the sky.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And then it starts to rain.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My defenses hit the ground</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and they shatter all around,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">so open and exposed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I found strength in the struggle,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">face to face with my trouble.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Chorus:<br />When you're broken in a million little pieces</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and you're trying but you can't hold on anymore.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Every tear falls down for a reason.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Don't just stop believing in yourself</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">when you're broken.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Little girl don't be so blue.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I know what you're going through.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Don't let it beat you up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Hitting walls and getting scars</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">only makes you who you are,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">makes you who you are. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">No matter how much your heart is aching,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">there is beauty in the breaking.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Chorus:<br />When you're broken in a million little pieces</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and you're trying but you can't hold on anymore.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Every tear falls down for a reason.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Don't just stop believing in yourself</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">when you're broken.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Better days are gonna find you once again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Every piece will find its place. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When you're broken, when you're broken...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Chorus:<br />When you're broken in a million little pieces</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">and you're trying but you can't hold on anymore.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Every tear falls down for a reason.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Don't just stop believing in yourself</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">when you're broken.</span><br />
<br />
meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-34923227434322560682012-12-27T12:29:00.001-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.957-06:00mind trip<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-68661586290282540992012-12-21T12:40:00.001-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.014-06:00If two past lovers remain friends, they are either still in love, or never were.<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">What is being in love? Being in love is when you continue to love
somebody even when there is no chance of that love ever being returned. </span></span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-66802591678447077692012-12-18T11:22:00.003-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.008-06:00The Unparalleled Discipline of Letting Go<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">"Let it go."</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">My favorite sentence and the hardest advice for me to follow.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I cannot tell you how many times I've tried.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I cannot tell you how many times I thought I learned my lesson and was ready to move on.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Maybe this time is the end, or maybe not.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Often times, I get caught up in ridiculous hopes and go over perfect memories again and again and again.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I'll "allow" myself to feel bad for a day... then that day turns into a week which turns into two weeks and eventually the knot in my heart reaches Gordian sizes and I feel like all progress has been lost.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Honestly, the only way to truly let it go is to turn to the Savior.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">As many times as it takes.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">As many times as you forget.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Trust me.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">He'll be there every time.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">But for me, letting go takes extreme discipline.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I cannot listen to remotely sad or reminiscent music.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">(This cuts out basically almost every female singer I listen to. Sara Bareilles, Ingrid Michelson, Christina Perri)</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I cannot open my old journals.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I cannot look at pictures on facebook.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I cannot tell every story I want to.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Honestly, this discipline makes me </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">so </i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">much happier. Truly. You want to be full of joy? Turn to the Lord. Not once, not every little while, but always.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">It takes work.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">It's easy to give up and daydream again.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">But letting go means taking control.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Read that sentence again.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Letting go means taking control.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Taking control means growing up.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Growing up (contrary to popular belief) means finding greater joy.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Happiness happens </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">inside </i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">of you.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">It's not always getting what you want, and it's not waiting for a little bit and </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">then </i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">getting what you want.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Happiness is when what you have is what you want, because you know it's what you need.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Take control of your human heart. Let it go. Turn to the Lord. Find true joy.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">It's well worth the discipline.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">Once you've truly moved on, you can pull out that Taylor Swift CD again. You can think of your stories and laugh instead of wanting to relive them. That's when you know you've truly let it go.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /></span><br />
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meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-77930077843657178812012-12-14T11:27:00.002-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.028-06:00<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">I stared at the ceiling in my room, unable to even fathom sleep. During the day I could sometimes ignore it, sometimes shove it aside--distract myself with other things. But when the lights were out and I was alone, the thoughts came and I couldn't stop them.</span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-665897249650648752012-12-13T12:33:00.003-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.006-06:00An Open Letter to My Favorite Douchebag<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><img alt="" src="http://www.thecollegetownlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/doucheville.png" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-size: 12px; font: inherit; line-height: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 0px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12px; line-height: 0px;"></span>
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 1;"> </span>Dear Favorite Douchebag,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am writing to you to end our little FWB relationship. It was fun until you turned into a douchebag. Here are some reasons why you’re my favorite douchebag:</span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><b>Lies</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You’re such a good liar. Or that’s what you seem to think. You and your “sorry I didn’t have my phone on me” texts can’t fool me anymore. I’m a girl and I have FBI-level cyber stalking skills. I saw you tweet (via mobile) those dumb lyrics to a song you were listening to. I saw on my Instagram activity feed how you liked that bimbo’s photo. The new photo you just filtered the shit out of even popped up on my Instagram news feed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Telling me you can’t meet up because you “have an early meeting tomorrow” is also a big pile of steaming crap because you never wake up before 1 in the afternoon. </span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><b>Sex</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yeah I’ll admit the sex was pretty good. Okay, really good. But get that thing away from me.</span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><b>Mind games</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The biggest reason you’re a douchebag is because you play mind games with me. Don’t you dare text me at 2 am asking “whats up” and then tell me you’re “too tired” to hook up. What was the point of that? I’m pretty sure I’m already borderline crazy but you bring out the Alanis Morissette crazy in me. We are supposed to be FRIENDS with benefits. You can’t just treat me like shit and expect me to come crawling back (even though I do).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Even though I hate your guts right now, I want to say thank you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Thank you for making me hate myself so much for crawling back to you every time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Thank you for turning me into a mega stalker.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Thank you for transforming me into a crazy, jealous, bitter bitch.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But mostly, thank you for showing me I deserve more.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Love,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Your (Former) Friend with Benefits.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Ps. Your dick’s so small, you could screw a pasta strainer.</span></div>
meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-72551563884673110922012-12-08T15:42:00.001-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.023-06:00Because it's important.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Self harm is serious. Five cuts or a hundred, scratched or deep wounds, barely visible or scars for life. The pain that a person feels who takes that blade to their skin is not determined by the seriousness of their scars. They all kill their pain with pain. Every cut tells a story, and behind every single one of them lays more pain than someone from the outside could ever begin to understand. The smallest scratch could hold hours of tears and hatred; the frustration and hopelessness can't be measured in blood. They will all see their reflection in the mirror and every day be reminded of what they have done to themselves. They will all make excuses for wearing long sleeves, or not going for a swim. They will all know both the reliefs and the regrets of this brutal addiction. Self harm is a disease of the mind, and the amount of scars on the outside does not show the amount of suffering on the inside. </span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-12613952065391675602012-12-05T13:18:00.002-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.923-06:00Vulnerable<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">My unsaid words are weighing me down.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I've been trying to let things go, to not worry about anything.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I thought my troubles would float away like balloons.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">But they don't.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">They stick to my skin and create this crust and are cutting off my air supply.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">It's true that not everything has to be said, but I'm not saying anything. My throat is clogged with the feelings I swallow.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I used to be so open. I used to be transparent. But glass is vulnerable; glass is flimsy. That's what I thought, anyway.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">People often describe me as brave. Courageous. I jump off bridges and eat strange food and kill spiders, but that doesn't make me courageous.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">The word "courageous" comes from the Latin word "cor" which means "heart". Being courageous involves putting your heart on the line even if it terrifies you. Courageous means following what your heart tells you. Courageous means not hiding or being ashamed of your feelings.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I'm trying so hard to </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">not </i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">be dramatic that I'm losing my courage. I fear to say what's in my heart because I'm trying to be un-childish. Un-emotional. Un-whateverIwas.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">The word "vulnerable" comes from the Latin word "vulner" which means "wound". Being vulnerable means showing your wounds, exposing your Achilles Heel. Allowing your enemies and your demons to see your soft spot.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">So often we look at vulnerability as a bad thing. As something to avoid. We see vulnerability as a weakness.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">But if we build our walls so thick that our enemies can't get in, neither can our friends. If we build our walls so thick that nothing can hurt us, then we can never escape ourselves.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I've been trying so hard to block up every crack in my wall of invulnerability that I've sacrificed my courage in the process.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I'm going crazy in my self-made citadel with only myself for company.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I'm trying so hard not to care, not to sweat anything, not to feel any sadness.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I'm drowning in the feelings I've locked in.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I built a submarine to keep myself safe, but I'm running out of air and I feel a </span><i style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">drip drip drip</i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;"> from the ceiling.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I've buried myself in Green Gables and Downton so that I don't have to feel my own feelings.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">I've lost my vulnerability, but I've also lost my courage.</span><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: justify;">It's hard to find anything more terrifying than the loneliness that comes when I'm on my knees crying and sobbing and I discover that I've lost the ability to be honest with myself.</span></span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-78854727547729598702012-11-14T11:37:00.000-07:002014-06-28T10:13:58.031-06:00But Guys. Nothing bad happens in Utah.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I've struggled with drugs for much of my teen years. First got hooked on prescription pain meds in junior high, and only progressively grew worse through high school. I am the first person to admit that I have a problem. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I never learned how to deal with my problems, so, as you can assume, every time something happens in my life, drugs were always where I would turn.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But a little over 3 weeks ago, I decided that's not the life I wanted to live. It wasn't for anyone but myself. (I have no expectations to live up to but my own.) It was for me. My future. My children. Me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So, now, going on 3 weeks sober, most of the withdrawls are gone. Most of the negative stuff is over, and I feel at peace. I am a really great person, I just needed to the encouragement. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But I wouldn't be where I am right now without the IOP team at Turning Point. I love my therapist. I love my counselors. I LOVE all the people in my group. Each and every one of them are my brothers and sisters and I really honestly have been changed more by them in the last 3 weeks than any other single person in my entire life, save my family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And now, the curtains of drugs lifted, I am happy. Blissfully happy. No, my life isn't perfect. Not even close. I have never been more stressed in my whole life. My parents are about to lose our house. My grandparents are leaving for 2 years. My (used to be?) best friend is smoking and partying and going down the same path I went down. My cousins are adorable as ever, but struggling with body issues. From the outside, my life looks perfect. It's true. I'm happy. I got the boy. I have a nice house, car, 2 jobs and I'm a great student. But, if you really look, it's not that easy. Not that simple. But you know? I can get through this. I've done it for 3 weeks and I can continue:)<br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">((Long Days Journey Into Night by Eugene O'Neill. Read it.))</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We were talking about this play in my Humanities class (Oh! First day back at school in a while:) and it REALLY has to do with Utah, especially Utah County. It's all about addictions that no one admits are there. Oh but they're there. Believe me. They are there. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*Insert Soap Box* WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE GOING TO CHANGE THIS. Make talking about drugs less tabboo. Share your story! You aren't the first to get addicted to drugs, and you won't be the last. But your story might change someone's view, and they might get help, or they might help someone else. It's up to us guys. It really is.</span>meghan.lanaehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483573354070664796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909759325226086975.post-53125095365739800082012-11-10T20:49:00.000-07:002014-06-28T10:13:57.990-06:00Someone showed it to me...but I found it by myself.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It's been so long since my last post... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So much has changed. But, oddly enough, I am okay with it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Let me explain:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I started school at UVU. Beginning of school, I hated it. My thoughts: "I did not work as hard as I did in High School to go to such a mediocre school". My thoughts now: "I am so grateful for this opportunity I have been able to grow so much. No the classes aren't as difficult as I would like and, academically, I'm bored out of my mind. But I have met so many wonderful people. I have been able to help and touch the lives of people I would have never met otherwise."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Like I said, I met so many wonderful people. Shoutouts are required now:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Reagen: I love you girl. We've only known each other for what? 2 months? And I already think of you as one of my closest friends, and we really are basically soul sisters.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Laura: Oh the memories. Words wouldn't even start to describe us. Love you girl. (P.S. I still think you would be adorbs together:))</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Keyan: Bahaha Health. The end.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Shayla: If I didn't have you to talk about boys with, I would probably call them off completely and be a crazy cat lady. Glad you're there to keep me sane:)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have regained relationships with a few really great friends. I have also, in turn, lost a few of my best friends. I continue to stay in touch with Kemsley, even though she's about 800 miles away. It's really interesting though. I lost my best friends who live the closest to me. Who didn't move, but still have a great relationship with Kems, who I haven't seen in person in 3 months. Interesting how life works.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I got accepted to Utah State. Then decided not to take it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I admitted I had a problem and got the help I needed and have met so many great and wonderful people I love like family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">4 boys have asked me to be their boyfriend, but I have rejected them all, for different reasons. Not because I am picky. But because they deserve someone who will care about them, only them. And who won't leave them at the drop of a hat. And that's not me. Idk if I'm a relationship girl. (Lies, I am DEFINITELY a relationship girl. Just not right now.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But it wasn't these things that have changed me. Yes, I have come to realize my desk will never be clean and my socks will never match. I have realized that friends come and go, but your family will always be there. But I realized who I am. And explaining it is difficult. But here goes nothing:)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm Meghan. I love with every fiber of my being. I care more than most people think is humanly possible, and I see the best in every single person. Not because I'm a saint, but because I want the same to be done for me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I wear my individuality like a shield, and I am, oftentimes, taken as stuck up because I am so confident in myself. I don't get offended easily, unless you are someone I trust. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have stopped believing promises, because I have been lied to so often, but I still have that little sense of hope that maybe, someday, someone will prove to me that I can believe again. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">All this, and so much more, adds up to me. I am flaws good intentions all sown up into one package. And for the first time, I'm okay with that. I spent my whole life trying to be perfect. Skinny enough, smart enough, pretty enough, nice enough. Blahh blahh. I tried to be someone that doesn't exist, and will never exist. But I realized that, as long as I am doing my best, and doing everything I can to be what God wants me to be, I have nothing to worry about. Yes, I will be forever progressing towards the woman I am becoming. But I don't have to stress about that woman, because she is in God's hands, being molded by him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And yes, <span style="line-height: 18px;">I can be the biggest hypocrite ever. I backslide. I stumble. I fall. I stray onto the wrong path. But God is working in me. I may be a mess, but I am His mess. And He is slowly straightening me out. And the day will come when I will be by His side, His work in me completed. But until that day, I will take His hand, and let Him do in me whatever needs to be done, no matter how painful it will be for me. When He is finished, it will all be worth it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">So I won't cry over lost friends. And I won't worry about the insults. Because I see the bigger picture. I know of God's love, and when I have Him, everything else sort of falls into place:)</span></span><br />
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