Monday, November 28, 2011

things of the mind.

there are things on my mind.
but i can't say anything.
because if i told the internet before roy,
he'd get mad at me.
and we wouldn't want that, now would we?

don't you hate that? 
when you want so bad to say something but you can't?
it hurts. 
a lot.
but it's for the best.
i know it.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

god gave me you

i got my boyy back(:
baby, roy, i promise you won't regret this.
we were meant for each other.
i knew it when i held you last night.
when i listened to your fears.
i want you to know i love you.
and to thank you for giving me a second chance. 
i love you so much roy.
so so much.
thank you.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


that's right folks.
you heard it here first. 
i have my very own tumblr.
and i love it.
it's still under construction.
but check it out(:

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Don't waste me. I'm your one and only love.

i am so confused.

so very, very confused.
i just want him to show up at my house and say,
"just kidding. i love you meghan and i want you to be my everything. i want you in my life. i want to help you get through this hard time. i want to love you."
i want him to call me and say he was sorry and that he didn't know what he was giving up.
i want him to take this pain away. this eating in my stomach that won't go away. this shattering of my heart that i can't make stop. yes, i'm strong. i don't need him. but i want him. i want him in my life. i want to share my life with someone who loves me, the way i know he does. why can't he see that he wants that too? 

i just want to know what he thinks this is going to accomplish.
he's miserable.
i'm miserable.
can't he just ask for me back?
because we both know i'll be there, 
arms open,
just waiting. 
i want him back so bad.
i just want HIM. 
all of him.
the sweet, kind, caring part,
and the angry, punch things part.
the comfort me part,
and the don't know how to help part.
the wrap me up in a hug part,
and the go play basketball part.
i just want him.
i want to hug him, 
and cry in his shoulder,
and tell him all my fears,
and help him feel better,
and root for him, 
and make him happy,
and love him.

i want to love him with all of my heart, and make him happy, and give him everything that i am, and help him through anything. i just want to love him..

i don't want to be his best friend. i don't want to be his second option if no one else wants to hang out. i want to be his everything. i want to be his girl, the one he holds hands with and tells he loves her. 

i know he loves me. i know he cares. and i know he thinks this will be good for him, but from the way he looked today, i really don't think that's true. he's tearing himself up over this, and he's really hurting. not when other people are around, or when he's with dustin, but i can tell in those rare moments when he's alone. when he doesn't need to be anything for anyone. and that's the roy i know. the one that honestly cares about himself enough to say "hey. i'm really struggling with this". 

so, if you're reading this baby,
roy, i love you.
i love all of you,
every single part of you,
the good, 
(i'd say the bad and the ugly but there aren't really any of those).
i love you for you,
for all of your personality,
for your love,
for your forgiveness,
for what you are,
for what you are trying to be,
for the love you have for Jesus,
and for your family,
and for your friends,
and for everyone in your life.
i. love. you. 
all of you, 
and i'm not ashamed of that.
i will never be.
and i miss you so much it hurts. 
i promised forever,
and i keep my promises. 
so, when you need me,
when you're struggling,
when you need someone to talk to,
i'm here. 
when you're falling apart,
and it feels like no one else is there,
i'm here. 
and forever.
just like i promised.
because i meant it. 

Monday, November 14, 2011

Dear Future Me,

It's about 7 o'clock on November 14. The end of an ordinary day. And the beginning of the rest of your life. I know it’s beyond cliched to the point it’s nauseating to say that, but it’s true. You’re young, you’re healthy, you’re driven, you’re enthusiastic, you’re happy, you’re beautiful inside and out.
Maybe these last seventeen years haven’t been everything you’d hoped for, and maybe you haven’t had your fairy tale dream come true. And maybe you’ve had your heart broken, and maybe there are too many things to count on both of your hands that you regret. But that’s okay. It’s okay because you can look back on how far you’ve come, how much you’ve accomplished, and how much you’ve learned and you can say to yourself, “This is me. This is who I am. I’m proud of that, and I’m not changing for anyone.” And maybe there have been more hard times than you wish you recount, more crushing blows and times of anguish than you wish to recollect, but hiding amongst those shadowy memories, there are so many bright and glittering gems to cling to. Find that positivity and hang on to it. Because even in the hardest of times, there is always something beautiful waiting for you on the other side. Always remember that. You don’t have to be a sunshiny ball of joy oozing with kittens and rainbows and bunny rabbits every single day of your life. You’re allowed to curl up in a ball and just cry for hours when you’ve had something you care about taken away from you. But always remember that your life is what you make it. If you make your life miserable, it will be. Positivity is a state of mind. Embrace it, channel it, become it.
Please don't freak out when they finally figure out what's wrong with you. At least you know. Embrace it, love it, be grateful for it.
Please treat Roy better. He's going to be with you forever, and he doesn't deserve to be treated wrongly. He loves you, and you know it. Treat him with respect, tell him you love him, show him everyday. Thank him for being there with you through everything. Love him. Please be more supportive of him. He loves basketball, he loves you. Let him figure out the balance. Don't make him choose between you. He will figure it out, I know it; just give him time.
Please tell your children you love them, everyday, when they're being so frustrating, when you want to knock their heads together, please just love them. You know what it's like to not be loved, and don't ever do that to your children. Ever.
Please stop and smell the roses every once and a while. I know life can be busy, but it's worth it to just stop and breathe.
Never forget who you are. Never ever ever.
You’ve overcome so many obstacles and accomplished so much in your lifetime, and I’m so proud of you. You’re living your life the way you want and you’re chasing your dreams. There’s no shame in that, and don’t you ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
And maybe you’ve been afraid to go outside of your comfort zone. It’s scary, and it’s nerve-wracking, and you know yourself: you know you don’t like either of those things, and you know you hate being put into situations you can’t control. But you have to do those things. You have to take that leap. You have to reach for what you want and take it, because no one is going to give it to you arbitrarily. You can’t be afraid of failure, or of making mistakes. You have to go in there with your head held high assuming the best. Be confident. Be fearless. Be strong. Be positive. Be you.
You don’t have to accomplish the world. But give your 110% in everything that you do, every single day, every single hour, every single minute. Take tiny steps, and eventually there will be miles and miles behind you.
Just remember I love you. Even when all else fails, I love you. Smile. Be brave. This is your wake up call. You are freakin’ fantastic. Go out there and show the world.
Meghan, Age 17.


i. hate. the. stupid. stock. market.
yes. i have lost $12,000.
yes. it is all roy's fault.
no. i will probably never break even on this stupid stock.
no. never ever ever invest with rays.
yes. i have never felt so much hatred in my life.
yes. i give up.
no. i'm not going to win the stock market game.
no. i'm not going to beat roy.
yes. it really is roy's fault.
it really is.
i promise.
i finally trusted someone in something and guess what happened.
i got screwed over.
stupid. rays. -$13,600
i hate you.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

turning it all over

Tuesday November 8, 2011,
was a monumental day for me.
it was the day everything changed.
the day i will probably remember for the rest of my life,
although it seems like quite a few days with Roy have been as such.

let me just tell you about my day. 
started with crying.
ended with happiness.
it was an awe-inspiring day.

last night,
i turned it over to God.
i let Jesus into my life and he took my stress.
it was the most amazing thing to think that i didn't have to be alone anymore.

yesterday, quite honestly, sucked balls.
roy told me he was sincerely and legitimately going to break up with me.
i was tired of being sick.
i was tired of being tired.
i was just tired.
i was stressed out of my ears.
i found out i lost my full-ride scholarship. ((stupid 29...))
i was betrayed by my best friend.
i was missing my grandma so much.
i was just really upset about my life...

i was just overwhelmed.

but, i was crying, roy was standing in the cold, trying his best to comfort me.
((i love him so much. he always tries to help))
but i was freaking out.
i didn't think anything was going to help and i was done.
i was legitimately done. 
robitussin night was in the making for meghan.
but, then..
roy asked me "have you prayed?"
ummm, of course i've prayed. 
i always pray.
more than that.
but he asked me if i've given it all the Jesus.
i was a little confused,
but i went with it.
i tried. 
and it was hard and a little weird in the beginning.
but i kept trying.
roy said it would help and so i wanted to believe him.
so i kept going.
and going.
and going.
and it got so easy.
i was talking to my best friend. 
my Savior.
the only person who knows exactly what i'm going through.
and let me tell you.
He's there.
you pray to Him, give Him everything, and He'll help.
i promise.
He'll give you comfort.
He'll give you strength.
He'll help you through anything you're going through.
i learned that for myself,
in 30 degree weather,
sitting in my cold car,
in Pleasant Grove,
with the love of my life.
i gave my life to Jesus
and i've never felt better.
i'm happy because i feel happy,
not because anyone else makes me feel happy.
i feel at peace.
something i haven't felt in a long time.
i woke up this morning and i felt like i could conquer the world.
i felt great.
and i started to freak out and all i thought was "oh my. i can do this. i know how to fix it:)"
i dropped to my knees and gave it to Jesus. 
every little thing i was struggling with,
gave it to Him.
and He took it.
He gave me strength. 
and i learned He will help me through anything. 
as says this poem, one of my favorites,
God hath not promised,
skies always blue,
flower-strewn pathways
all your life through.
God hath not promised 
sun without rain, 
joy without sorrow,
peace without pain.
But God hath promised
strength for the day,
rest for the labor,
light for the day,
Grace for the trials,
help from above,
unfailing sympathy,
undying love.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

can i lean on you?


Before I met you,
I thought I was happy,
and I was,
but I had never known
the rich contentment,
deep satisfaction,
and total fulfillment
you brought to me
when you came into my life.
Before I met you,
I felt a lot of things,
good things,
but I had never experienced
the indescribably intense
feelings I have for you.
Before I met you,
I thought I knew myself,
and I did,
but you looked deep inside me
and found fresh new things
for us to share.
Before I met you,
I thought I knew about love,
but I didn’t,
until I met you.

i'm trying.
trying to be the best girlfriend i can.
trying to figure out my relationship with myself.
trying to decide what to do. 
so hard it hurts.
sometimes, i cry.
i kick.
i scream.
i hurt myself.
i cry some more.
i sleep for hours.
that's how i deal with it.
i'm trying every way i know possible. 
and you know what?
i'm a little done with trying.
but there is one thing in my life i will not ever stop trying for.
i will NEVER stop fighting for you.
no matter what happens,
if you let me go,
if you push me away,
i will NEVER stop loving you.
i will NEVER give up.
of that one thing, i can promise you. 
if everything else falls apart,
and nothing is the same, 
that will never change. 
i will never stop giving up everything to be with you.