Tuesday, March 27, 2012

love but not like.

i believe, from personal experience, you can still love someone, but not like them. you love them for the person they were when they were with you. you for how they made you feel at one point. you still love them. and you always will. but you can still not like them. their personality might have changed. they might have done some stupid things, or gone the wrong way. they might have lost themselves, or they might have just given up on everything they believed in before. it can happen.
you can love them, but not like them.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

don't forget to:

listen for God's voice in everything you do, and everywhere you go; he's the one that will keep you on track.

proverbs 3:6

Saturday, March 24, 2012

once upon a time,

there was boy.
and his name was... well, i can't say.
like almost legally.
but he taught me how to take chances.
and live sort of crazy.
and how to drive fast.
that was good for me,
you see,
i came in first today.(:
beat all the boys.
all the stupid boys who were drooling all over me.
it's sort of great being the only girl on your team. i get the bathrooms to myself. get my own trailer. have a team full of body guards, who, when other boys start checking me out, or harassing me, there are 9 sort of big, sort of tall guys there to stick up for me.(: it's wonderful.(: oh and my daddy gets to come with me always, mostly because he hauls my trailer.(:

anyways, i'm going to thank this boy for that someday. for teaching me to get out of myself. it's gonna happen. hopefully soon. if not, later. but it's going to happen.

so, if you're reading this, and you know who you are, thank you. for everything.(:

Friday, March 23, 2012

wanna know what is the grossest?

PDA. in class. making out. in class. cuddling. in class.
for the love of all that is good in this world,
get a room.

so. stinkin. tired.

to anyone who goes to my school:
yes, i will be a bitch today. 
deal with it.
no sleep.
at all.
deal with it.
thank you.

but, in other news, hunger games was awesome and totally worth my desire to kill every person in the entire world, and canada.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

subtlety never was my thing.

unless my feelings are on the line.
then i'm so subtle it's basically non-existent.

tomorrow's the day:
the day to show off my nasty leg.
and prove that i'm not a liar. 

maybe, the truth of humanity is not behind the masks, but in them.

and the meghan that smashes plates and climbs into insanely large treehouses and swings higher than she ever has before is become gradually more like the meghan that looks at the stars and lays on the floor to listen to music in the dark and that meghan is becoming gradually more like the meghan that loves so desperately that all she can do is smile and that meghan is becoming gradually more like the meghan who makes friends out of strangers and can sometimes think of witty things to say. 
all in all, i'm finding that the real meghan, the meghan that no one sees, is really all the other meghans all put together. the crazy meghan, and the calm meghan, and the upset meghan, and the happy meghan. i'm not lying to anyone. i'm just not showing you all of me. but, i am also learning that, by exposing all of me, i help those around me more fully. so maybe, just maybe, i will be the real meghan.

sometimes i am asked what goes on in my head, and it mostly comes down to this – i wish to understand myself and others as fully as possible. but I am beginning to realize that perhaps the Truth of human beings is not found behind their masks, but in them. and, in fact, perhaps we never can find the plain and simple Truth, because so much of our lives are spend separating ourselves from our own most intimate and terrifying knowledge.

Monday, March 19, 2012

i'm over it.

sometimes, i think too hard. or let myself slip. or hurt a little too much. and i break down.
now is one of those times.

i'm over him, but the sad part is, it still hurts to think about him. and it still hurts to remember. i just want to feel whole again... i miss what we had...

and now i'm crying again. 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

i believe in Christianity as i believe that the sun has risen, not only because i see it, but because by it, i see everything else.

good morning everyone. for those of you who don't know me, my name is meghan carpenter. i've only been attending here for about 3 months. i've gotten to know a few of you, and i love it here. i'd like to start by thanking you for accepting me so openly into your congregation, and for befriending me when i was going through a very difficult transition period. 
a few weeks ago, i was talking to my wonderful youth ministers, sam and kit, and shared a bit of my conversion story. they suggested i share with the rest of the youth, and i agreed. little did i know that they had shared with pastor joe, and, because of such, here i am. 
even so, i am grateful to be where i am right now. i am so grateful for this opportunity and i pray that the Holy Spirit will be here with us, and that i will know what He would have me say.
my parents were high school sweethearts. they met in 9th grade biology and, though my mom despised my dad's "belt buckle the size of texas" neither could deny what they felt. i know what you're thinking. what does this have to do with anything?
religiously, my parents were very different. my mom had been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints her entire life. her parents were devout members, serving in their temple, their callings, and helping most of their neighbors in any way possible. but, as it seems this description always ends with, my mom was a rebel-child. 
my grandma and grandpa, my daddy's parents, separated when my daddy was 12. soon, my grandma was working 2 jobs and my dad was raising his 9 year old younger brother. though my dad was baptized LDS when he was 8, he was never active. he simply didn't have time. he started working weekends when he was 13, and worked ever since. 
so, my parents were, religiously anyways, completely opposite. but they had something in common. they were both rebel children. needless to say, my mom fell away from her parents church, and mom and dad got married. they adopted me when i was 8 months old, and we were Christmas and Easter mormons. 
when i was 3 years old, i told mom i wanted to go to church. they called the bishop's wife and, until i was 9 years old, i went to church by myself, encouraging every week that my parents went with me. it wasn't until i was 10 that my mom began coming to church, then my dad a few years later.
so, fast forward a few years. i was a happy junior in high school, but sort of confused about my religion. i tried talking to my mom about it. she just brushed it off and said i needed to pray more, read the Book of Mormon more. i was too strong to be questioning. 
and i tried. i prayed and prayed for an answer. little did i know that my prayers would be answered through an unsuspecting 17 year old boy. 
we met, and i hated him. he was so loud and happy and popular. and i was, well, not. even through our differences, we soon became best friends, and then boyfriend and girlfriend. 
religion was something we just didn't talk about for a while, because we were of different faiths. i didn't realize at the time how confused i was about my religion. but he was there when i needed him to be. this boy taught me about Jesus, and how important my relationship with Him is. he taught me about the bible and personal revelation. and i believed it. i knew it was true. 
but, this boy, as many people do, ran out of my life just about as fast as he came in. and i was left not knowing where to turn. it was then that i realized that this boy was the reason i believed what i did. but, at the same time, i was not happy doing what i was. the LDS church just wasn't working for me. 
so, i started searching. i prayed a lot. i read the bible every night. i eventually decided to begin trying different churches. i attended 4 different churches before finding my way here. 
this has been the best experience though. many people have been there for me, including my Savior. i have never been closer to Him in my entire life and i love Him so much. i love where i am. i love who i am. i love each and every one of you, and i pray everyday that i can be to someone else what you all have been to me. i love each and every one of you, and i know Christ loves you as well. God bless each and every one of you. amen.

today, i helped in my churches' main ministry. it was probably the best experience of my entire life. i love being able to share my story with others and there were so many people who came up to talk to me after i spoke. many people are going through the same thing i went through and they all thanked me for giving them faith and strength through it all. 
ahh. i love Christ and the unity that, through Him, we are all able to have.(:

Saturday, March 17, 2012

can't we just go back?

can't we just go back to when:
we were 5.
& life was simple.
none of us knew what heartbreak was.
or what hurt felt like.
you could lose a friend,
and have a new one by lunchtime.
no one knew what drugs were.
or what a slut was.
drama was someone not sharing their toys,
or stealing your crayons.
everything was sunshiny and happy.
& life was simple.

can we please just rewind time?
i'm not ready to grow up...

i love hanging out with high people.

i don’t so drugs anymore.  but i sometimes hang around people who do. they always have great snack ideas, and if you are low on cash, it is a good group to hang out with for a free meal. if all of your friends are stoned, just start talking about cheese pizza, or graham crackers with frosting. you’ll be well on your way to snack heaven in no time at all! don’t forget, they all love dessert as well! (:

another fun thing is texting drunk people. they always speak the truth. yeah.(: i have fun friends. 
it's amazing the people you meet when you get into the racing world. 

just another day in the life.

sick. again. 
recurring theme?
i think yes.
but, last night turned out better than expected.
retro dance was actually pretty sweet.(:
and my outfit was awesome.
to say the very least.
i got sky and kenna home 5 minutes early,
hell yeah.(:
it was just pretty great.

just got back from racing practice. i did relatively well, considering the fact that i was up half the night throwing up blood.
the boys on my team are still amazed i drive as well as i do. i'll have to thank roy for that someday. and my daddy.(: love that guy. thanks daddy.(:
i got another sponsor today, yay.(: and, this is top secret. super hush hush, but my team is working on a sponsorship with a crazy huge company. stay tuned for more details. 

oh. Happy Saint Patrick's Day!! wear green.(:

p.s. i need beer. i wanna make some cupcakes, but they have beer in them. what better way to celebrate the day? but my parents are both working. :/ oh well..

oh! my mom got a job.(: how wonderful is that? 

ummm, yeah. 

Friday, March 16, 2012

what doesn't kill you.

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

13 reasons why.

Like driving along a bumpy road and losing control of the steering wheel, tossing you - just a tad - off the road. The wheels kick up some dirt but you're able to pull it back. Yet no matter how hard you try to drive straight, something keeps jerking you to the side. You have so little control over anything anymore. And at some point, the struggle becomes too much - too tiresome - and you consider letting go. Allowing tragedy...or whatever...to happen. 

if you have not read this book, please do. and boycott any movie based on this book that includes selena gomez. please.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

today's thoughts.

i'm never going to get the past 9 months out of my head. i will always remember what he has of mine, and what i have of his. i'm not getting that back. but i let go, at the same time. i have moved on, have a new boyfriend whom i adore, have amazing friends who have been there through everything, but that unfortunate connection still exists. it's hard, but it's something i will live with for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

part of my story.

to the people who tell me to kill myself:
these are my hospital bracelets.
from my 4 suicide attempts.
and these are a few of my scars.
and, even if you hate me,
there will always be one person who
loves me.
my Savior.

so, no.
i have a million reasons to be here. i love my life, and there's nothing you can do to change that. 

a tiny truth.

my mom asked me what i learned in therapy today. ((side note: it's been interesting what this whole living at my grandparents thing has done to my parents. it's like they actually care about me or something. :P)) it's hard to put it into words. but we talked about pain. and hurt.
i learned that: 
hurt doesn't go away in an hour or a week or a month.
hurt stays inside you for an undefined time.
hurt is a tattoo, an open sore, festering skin around a piece of shrapnel.
and you look up at the sky and think "Can't i just be done? Can't i just feel better already? i've learned what i had to, didn't i?"
hurt won't go away just because you want it to.
but great news: neither will those who love you.
your family. (Give them the credit they deserve.) your friends who make you laugh and who listen to you. those amazing girls who have been where you are right now. and always, your Savior.
so yeah, as much as i'd like to say "i'm happy every single moment of the day", i can't. that would be a lie. i take things one moment at a time. i have this learning curve to go through right now. but i just know: hurt ends. somehow. someday.
tattoos can be undone, sores can heal, and shrapnel can be removed. the healing can hurt just as much as the initial wound, but it will end.

Monday, March 12, 2012

well, you take disappointment to a whole new level.

i don't even know what to say...

i'm terrified...

you've done it, you've made me start to fall in love with you. i'm sitting here crying because i'm so scared but at the same time, i'm so happy i'm falling in love with you. you're the person i've trusted for so long, the person i've told everything to and you still love me.. you listened when i talked, was there when i cried and made me finally smile. i'm crying for the last time i hope, i trust that you won't hurt me. it's so hard for me to trust guys, but you're worth it to me. so, here's my heart, see all the little cracks... they're pretty small and healed nicely, but you, i know, that you're the one that could make it completely shatter. promise me you wont, please, promise me you'll love me forever, and that you won't break my heart. even if you can't promise me that, i'll give you my heart anyway, cause i know that if i don't give you my heart i'll regret it for the rest if my life, cause you're the one person who i trust that much.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

i haven't felt the way i feel today in so long...

it's official. i'm twitterpated. completely, madly, and desperately. he's my best friend and i have fallen. hard. and, to be completely honest, i don't wanna get back up.(:

i guess i'm ready to love again.(:

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
Scared of love, but scared of life alone
Seems I've been playin' on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

Just when you think that love will never find you
You run away but still it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that we can't control

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, ready to love again.

Friday, March 9, 2012

just to add to my testimony:

c.s. lewis said: I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
helen keller said: It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks.
cicero said: Just as the soul fills the body, so God fills the world. Just as the soul bears the body, so God endures the world. Just as the soul sees but is not seen, so God sees but is not seen. Just as the soul feeds the body, so God gives food to the world.
gilbert k. chesterton said: Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.
william pennington said: Our Father and Our God, unto thee, O Lord we lift our souls.
william blake said: The glory of Christianity is to conquer by forgiveness.
and, my personal favorite: dalai lama said: This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.

Sooner or later you come to the point where you have to choose who and what you want to be, and I made a decision not so long ago to be happy.

being happy is a decision. it's not something you just wake up with and life is wonderful. it is a daily, conscious decision. 

i have decided to be happy.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

actual conversation of the day. some people's children. i love them.(:

"do you even believe in God?" (upon finding out i'm not LDS.)
yes ma'am. i do.
"but you have scars on your wrists."
yes, indeed. thank you for noticing. i do. they symbolize a time in my life that was extremely difficult. 
"well, how you can be christian?" 
ummm, well, you're LDS. you say that you are christian too. have you ever gone through anything difficult?
"well, ummm, yeah. i guess. but i never hurt my body."
well, have you said anything mean to or about anyone else?
"i guess."
then you hurt something worse than your body. you hurt your soul. you hurt your relationship with your Savior. his commandment is to love thy neighbor as thyself. being mean is not keeping that commandment. therefore, you create one little cut on that relationship. and yes, my cuts hurt physically, but yours hurt something exponentially more important. and, you continue to do so everytime you slip up. i have since stopped cutting, and have regained that relationship with my Savior. He was there, waiting with open arms, as He is waiting for you.
"well, how are you going to explain that (pointing to my scars) to your spouse and children?"

my spouse won't ask what happened, because they will love me no matter what happened in my past. and, to my children, they will grow up knowing that i fought the hardest battle, and won. they will know that, even through hard things, life does get better. and they will know that, no matter what we do, and no matter how unforgivable we think our sins are, there is always hope. there is always a way out, that is through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

without you, i fall.

i have just been thinking a lot about religion, and the like. because, i am proud of the fact that i have sparked a spiritual journey in one of my very best friends. and i by no means know the answer to every question he has for me. not even close. but i know my God, i am closer to him now that i have ever been before. and that's amazing to me. the fact that i don't need a specific list of rules, or a "prophet" or anything like that is just amazing to me, because i feel like i am a better person today than i have ever been. i love who i am.
but i also believe that we are all on personal journeys. some, spiritual, others, familial. mine, a very personal journey. i'm finding who i am. yes, it's cliched. but it's true. i'm learning how to be happy. and, through Christ, i have found that. and it's the most liberating, fantastic feeling ever.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

lately, it's occurred to me just how strange a journey it has been...

of the few people who know my current religious views, there are 3 categories. 1. those who helped me through the journey (mostly people i don't talk to anymore. some, those who will never leave.) 2. those who are completely understanding of my situation, who only want me to be happy. and 3. those who have made it their mission to convert me back to mormonism (it's not going to happen, just so everyone is aware). 
i had an interesting conversation with one of my new nurses today. she asked me why i had decided to leave the LDS faith. i explained that, through personal experiences i really don't share with many people, i came to the realization that i needed something the LDS church wasn't giving me. i needed the love of a God who is ALWAYS going to be there for me, who will ALWAYS love me, and who will reveal things to me personally. there were also some other experiences that don't fit into the LDS belief system. she asked me if i became the missionary project of my neighbors and schoolmates. and i explained that of course i was. i knew i would be as soon as i made the decision. it has been difficult to stand up for what i believe when people are answering questions i don't know the answer to, and pointing out the fact that if i don't know the answer it must be wrong. well, it's not wrong. i believe what i believe and i love who i am and where i'm at right now. no, i don't know everything. hell, i've only believed what i do for 8 months. i'm still a baby. and i spent a few months wandering aimlessly, because i didn't know where to go. i'm still learning, just like everyone is. 
people have said, "well, i hope you find it in you to get over yourself and just do what you've always done." and to that, i say, "God bless." and walk away.
i believe in a loving God who is there for us whenever we go to Him in prayer.
i believe in a Savior, who died for me on the cross of Calvary because He loved me enough to want me to live again.
i believe that every answer to our questions in life can be found in the pages of the Holy Bible, and that is my strength.
i believe that, because we are human, we are bound to make mistakes, but that, through our Savior, we can be saved.
i believe what i believe because it works for me. i have dedicated my life to Jesus and if you have a problem with that, i pray that your heart may be softened so that, when the time comes, you might be open to my message of salvation and happiness, and that you might find the happiness i have found.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

story of my life.

"why don't you invite skyler to family dinner?" - mom.
"because. i won't do that to the girls again." - me.
"you won't do what?" - mom.
"i won't let them get attached again. those girls hurt when he left. they asked me over and over when they were going to see him again. i won't do that to them again." - me.

in other news, i'm not living at my house anymore. family issues. but i do love my grandparents. sooo, it's just like old times.(:


Monday, March 5, 2012

i may not be where i want to be, but i thank God that i'm not where i used to be.

yes, i have made mistakes. yes, i have hurt people close to me. yes, i have lied to my very best friends. but you know what? that's not me anymore. i'm not the same person i was 2 months ago. i have used the mistakes i made to make myself a better person. i genuinely love people now. i found Jesus when i was at my lowest point and he has, and still is, helping me find the best parts of me. i love Him and He loves me enough to forgive me of my trespasses. it's amazing to me that someone who loves me so much, and who hurts when i hurt, can still love me after all the pain i have caused Him. i only hope and pray that someday i'll be able to know that sort of love. i would like to think that i know how to forgive, and i have forgiven people for things they have done to me. i just hope that someday i'll be able to forgive every thing has been done against me. i hope to be able to have that Christ-like love, and to forgive those who have wronged me, simply because Jesus has forgiven me for what i have done, when i thought it was unforgivable.

yes, actually, they do.

people say that sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you, but that's not true. words can hurt. they hurt me. things were said to me that i will never forget. today is one of those days. 
there are a few things you just don't say to a human being. first, never ask a girl how much she weighs. second, do not ask someone who has just gotten dumped if they will make out with you. and third, you just don't tell someone to kill themselves. for many reasons. you never know what battles people are fighting. you never know how close they are to actually wanting to kill themselves. and you know what? if i had been alone when i received this message, i might have. i had just found out my aunt died of cancer. i was asked some personal questions. i was told i was a devil child and going to hell. i was told i was good for nothing and fat. i was told that i was ugly and that i would never be good for anything. i was called a slut and a bitch by one of my best friends. all in one day. i was falling apart anyways. and you know what? i was thinking about it, honestly.
how could someone even click anonymous and say that sort of a thing? please remember that what you say actually does affect other people. some people are already falling apart and you don't know how what you are saying could affect them. 

Sunday, March 4, 2012

maybe i should stop on in, say a prayer, talk to God like i know He's there. oh, i know He's there.

have you ever woken up, on just a normal day, and wanted to die? have you ever felt like nothing was right and everything was wrong and it would just be so much easier to end everything? end the hurt, end the pain, end the backstabbing, end everything? i have. just barely. 
yes, i made mistakes. i made big, stupid, selfish mistakes. and i prayed until my voice was gone and my willpower was weak and my heart felt so much guilt and sorrow that i couldn't stand it, and then i prayed some more. and i was forgiven by the only one it matters that i be forgiven by. my God. 
He's my best friend. 
i've had quite a few people ask me how i can still go to school, keep my head up, and smile when the people i am smiling to all hate me. when everyone at the school knows i messed up and everyone knows how "crazy" i acted and how insecure i am and how messed up i am. wanna know my secret?
every single day i pray for strength and a forgiving heart. i pray that today isn't the day i break down in school. that today isn't the day i give up on loving people. yes, most of these people have judged me before they even knew me. but that doesn't mean they're not God's children. He loves them, and so should i. so i do. and most days it works. most days, i put on a real smile and smile at the adversity. smile at the trial. some days, it's much harder. the smile isn't as genuine and i feel angry at these people, wondering how in the world they could hate me so much, when they haven't even spoken a word to me. and then, i pray again. "God, grant me strength to go through this day, give me peace in the sight of my trials, and give me an open and forgiving heart, because Lord, they don't know what they're doing to me. they don't know that they're hurting me. so forgive them, and forgive me for feeling anger towards them. i love you Lord." i pray for wisdom to know what i need to say. i pray for Christlike love, love that doesn't discriminate, love that loves those who despise you. that is what i pray for. everyday. in my car. right before school. because i know i can't get through the day without it. 

Saturday, March 3, 2012

pms. pissed at men syndrome.

one week, every month, this is how i feel. about the whole world.  ((doesn't help that i'm pms-y and cycling at the same time. bahh.. i wanna die.))

Thursday, March 1, 2012

here's the fact of the matter. the person you care for the most is the person you'll hurt the most.

i wish i had the guts to tell you everything that's on my mind. everything i wish i had said. everything i wish i had done. i wish i could get it all out on paper and not have it eating at my insides, my mind, my heart. but i can't. i don't know how. and it kills me. but brenda says i need to try. so i'm trying. 
everytime i catch you looking at me (which is a lot.) i fall for you a bit. and everytime i catch that you're reading my blog. or when you asked sky how i'm doing. or i'm telling mr k about my recent hospital adventures and you have a look of real concern. like you actually care if i live or die. and those are the times that i get super confused. and you won't acknowledge that you're acknowledging me. that's the most frustrating thing. you're ignoring me to my face, but not in any other aspect of the definition. that's frustrating. 
but then, around other people, or whatever, you hate me. talk about me. tell them all the stupid things i've done (which, i am aware are plenty. quite numerous). not to mention how you're completely confusing my friends. you're just being completely confusing to everyone. it's almost like you care but you hate that you care, so you pretend you don't. that's what it is like. 
and it hurts. it hurts unlike most other pain i've felt. because i'm not happy. and you, someone who could help me make myself happy, still care. but you're burying those feelings. that's frustrating. 
but, i do love you. and i guess that because of such, i have to let you go. let you be happy. let you love her. i hope she's perfect and gives you everything i couldn't.. i still love you, and i always will. i promised forever and i meant it. just remember that. 
he had already ripped some tears out of me without my permission and now, here i was obsessing about the psychological origins of his behavior as a way to seem more detached that i really was. i was secretly terrified that the dumb girl inside of me might actually want him back...