Friday, October 21, 2011

you and i are going to be okay. you know that right?

so, yeah.
i don't know how many people even read this cute little blog thing i got going on here.
but, if you do, you'll have to bear with me for this one.
it's been a LONG few days.
like... LONG. 
it has NOT been that great to tell you honestly.

but i'm not here to recap my week.
(that will be another post later.)
i have something important to get off my chest.
and this is not in any way supposed to be offensive to anyone.
so if it is, i'm sorry.
this is just simply my feelings right now.

i have been hurt.
i have been hurt so badly so many times that i didn't think i could handle it.
i have, because of this, developed a relatively bad case of PTSD.
which sucks.
and now, since my hormones are so freakin' out of wack ((ooh. i have to tell you this. i have endodemetriosis. look it up? the main gist of my problem is i have WAY too much estrogen, so i get really emotional about everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. ask roy.)), it's been even harder.
basically, everytime roy leaves, i cry.
he tells me he works everyday this week, i cry.
he wants to hang out with hayden, neal, dustin and sam, i cry.
sleep over with the boys, i cry.
basketball, i cry.
everything makes me cry.
and it's not because i'm upset he wants to do those things, because that's really not it at all.
i think it's great he has such amazing friends he can hang out with(: 
i'm just so emotional about every little thing that happens.

so, as you can probably imagine, him leaving is not a pleasant thing for me.
i cry.
every single night.
without fail.
sometimes it's before he even leaves.
other times it's after.
and, bless his little heart, he tries to tell me he hates it when i'm sad when he leaves, 
and i know he's trying to help.
but i see what i'm doing to him when he leaves, and boom.
i cry. 
even more than i would have otherwise.
i hate that i'm hurting him and i know that i am.
and that sucks for me.
i'm not making him happy, and that gives him even more reason to leave me.
and that brings me to the deepest part of my fear.
the fear that, when he leaves, he won't come back.
this fear has been brought on by years of being hurt over and over.
i've come to believe, roy thinks falsely, i think smartly, that i'm just not good enough for anyone.
he tries so hard to convince me otherwise. 
he really does. 
and i love him for that.
the only problem is i've been told over and over all my life that i'm not good enough, nor will i ever be good enough.
it's hard to change that.
the hardest thing i've ever tried to do.
and this fear combined with the fact that i can't deal with my emotions,
that's just not a happy thing for me. 
or roy.
and i cry myself to sleep every night.
and, no over-drama involved, it's the hardest part of my day.
and, without fail, it happens at least once every day.
now, don't get me wrong, i love seeing him.
it would, and does, hurt worse when i don't...
i just..

i guess..
i guess i'll just have to wait until the day that i don't have to say goodbye.
the day when i get to fall asleep with him there with me.
it's something to look forward to.
now i just gotta keep my focus there..
not on the current pain..
i love him.
i love roy beltran.
and i hate making him unhappy.
so, from today forward, i'm making a promise to myself and all of you that i'm going to do everything in my power to make myself deal with things more effectively. 
i'm not going cry as much.
i'm going to do everything i can to make him happy.
i'm going to make me happy.
i'm going to, in a nut shell, be happy. 

those are my thoughts of the day.

((i hope that was sufficiently awkward. you're welcome.))

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

news. days. my boring life.

wanna hear the story of my life?
which consists of, mainly,
math 1050,
AP US history,
and shakespeare.

you know how you always dream your senior year will be fun, consisting of sluff days, friends, no homework, late nights hanging out, you know, the works.
well i must not have gotten that memo.
my senior year, well, it sucks.
the only saving grace is that i have 6 classes with roy. 
that's the only good thing about my senior year.

in other news:
in conjunction with our reading of King Henry IV Part I, 
we watched the King's Speech (edited of course) in Shakespeare last week.
it is a GREAT movie. 
like i cried and laughed and wanted to punch some people (pope) all at the same time.
but it inspired a poem.
it is entitled "untitled" 
and it's all about lending out words.
i love it.
maybe i'll share sometime.

in other, other news: 
i'm getting my hair dyed.
and so, for anyone who reads this,
go to that nifty poll on the side, 
and tell me what to do(:
REALLY dark on the bottom, a little lighter (but still dark) on top.
all dark.
all REALLY dark.
dark with blonde highlights.
all blonde.
blonde on top, dark underneath.
yeah.. that's about it. haha

thank you for reading this super random blog post.
you're the best.
i love you.
no really.
i LOVE you.
yeah, you. 
never forget it.