Wednesday, June 27, 2012

dear fuckhead who is cheating on my best friend:

i know you think your girlfriend sits by the phone, waiting for your call that never comes. baby, let me let you in on a secret: your girl isn't or wasn't clueless. and you thought wrong.


ps. hurts doesn't it, bitch. yeah, suck on that asshole. 

things to do before i die.(:

~wear shirt that says "Life." hand out lemons on street corner.
~hire two private investigators. get them to follow each other.
~major in philosophy. ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
~go into a crowded elevator and say, "i bet you're all wondering why i gathered you here," with a straight face.
~make vanilla pudding. put in mayo jar. eat in public.
~become a teacher. make a test where every answer is "C." enjoy the show.
~wait until someone is about to sneeze. right before they do, loudly scream "PIKA PIKAAA!!!"
~run into a store, ask what year it is. when someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.
~buy a horse, name it "Oscar Takes the Lead," enter it in horse races.
~invite someone into your office, turn around in office chair and say, "I've been expecting you..."
~change name to Simon. speak in third person.
~become a doctor. change last name to Acula.
~buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."
~follow jogger around in a car blasting, "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement.

pageant girl weekend.

my heck.
i haven't stopped running in 3 days,
i swear.
there's so much to do. 

i've done about 12 loads of laundry. haha
got my dresses.
i've been breaking in my shoes (ouch...)
now i'm going to get my nails done.
but it'll be so worth it.(:

Monday, June 25, 2012

please pray these people pay me before Friday.

or else i don't get to do my pageant.
and i'll be sad.
really sad.
i'll probably cry for 3 days.
or weeks.
maybe years.
so yes.
cross your fingers.
whatever you do.
but please, do it.

sometimes, life is bigger than we realize.

the thing about love is, you don't get to choose. you just wake up one day and there it is, sitting at the foot of the bed, going "nyah, nyah gotcha," and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

these are a few of my favorite things.

there are a lot of reasons why i love skyler.
he's so sweet.
he's the most romantic person i've ever met.
he cares about me so much.
he doesn't care that i have bipolar.
he helps me through hard times.
he's really attractive...
he holds me when i cry when i'm cycling.
but the best thing:
he makes me love myself. 

Friday, June 22, 2012

living my life.(:

i have a super sweet weekend planned.(:
starting tomorrow:
a.) humanitarian project with my grandparents and cousins.(:
b.) demos = $$$
c.) hanging out with my boyy/best friend/sexy beast/skyler.(:
d.) sslleeeepp. <3

and then saturday,
i'm going boating with sky's family.(:
i can't wait.
i'm terrified of water,
but i gotta get over it before i go to Hawaii.(:
for 10 days.
and party it up on the beach.
my boyfriend is cooler than yours.(:

((best birthday present ever!! i love that kid.(: love you skywer!!!:))

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

i'm in better hands

It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out...
Cuz I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now


It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
It's like the world is silent
Though I know it isn't true
It's like the breath of Jesus
Is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt

You can't be saved
If you're not reaching out for help

you think i haven't tried?

don't tell me to just stop being sad. you have no fucking idea what it feels like to be crushed and broken. shattered like glass dropping on concrete. you try to put yourself back together, but no matter how hard you try, you just can't. no one tries to help you, they just tell you to be happier, and to smile and laugh it off. it's not that simple. you've never felt so broken up inside, with absolutely no reason to feel that way. so, i suggest you stop talking to me as if i'm just some idiot who is purposefully feeling this way. you don't think i haven't tried to be happy?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

this is it.

as a teenager you're expected to be and do a lot of things. you're expected to act like an adult, even though you're still treated like a child. your parents expect you to play sports and get straight A's. society expects you to go out and party like a wild child, smoke some herb and run free like the young little rascals you are. but, let's face the facts here. you and i both know this rarely happens. there's a lot of drama and a lot of tears; there are a lot of days that you'd like to go out with your friends, but you aren't invited. there are a lot of nights you stay up until three just to get homework done, and you're still expected to get up at six and be ready and attentive for classes at seven-thirty. there are nights more often than not, that you will stay up listening to your parents screaming at each other and scream at you for your mediocre grades and your lack of interest in anything that goes on around you. you don't get a word in: you never really do. some of you go out and drink and smoke and live, but you're still lost. you're still confused. you're living the dream, but you have no direction. and you don't know why.

you're exhausted and looking for some salvation. you're looking for some sign, from God or anything else out there, that you're not alone, that you really aren't the only one suffering through this everyday. well, if you were looking for a sign...

this is it.

you keep the good memories, but you move on.

the best advice i ever received.
it wasn't from some great philosopher.
it wasn't from my parents.
it wasn't even from my best friend. (he gives great advice, by the way.)
it was from a girl i've never met.
her blog inspires me.
click here if you're interested.

but, i decided to infringe on copyrights and copy and paste it.(: i'll put the link at the bottom though.(:

"Let it go."
My favorite sentence and the hardest advice for me to follow.

I cannot tell you how many times I've tried.
I cannot tell you how many times I thought I learned my lesson and was ready to move on.
Maybe this time is the end, or maybe not.

Often times, I get caught up in ridiculous hopes and go over perfect memories again and again and again.
I'll "allow" myself to feel bad for a day... then that day turns into a week which turns into two weeks and eventually the knot in my heart reaches Gordian sizes and I feel like all progress has been lost.

Honestly, the only way to truly let it go is to turn to the Savior.
As many times as it takes.
As many times as you forget.
Trust me.
He'll be there every time.

But for me, letting go takes extreme discipline.
I cannot listen to remotely sad or reminiscent music.
(This cuts out basically almost every female singer I listen to. Sara Bareilles, Ingrid Michelson, Christina Perri)

I cannot open my old journals.
I cannot look at pictures on facebook.
I cannot tell every story I want to.

Honestly, this discipline makes me so much happier. Truly. You want to be full of joy? Turn to the Lord. Not once, not every little while, but always.

It takes work.
It's easy to give up and daydream again.

But letting go means taking control.
Read that sentence again.

Letting go means taking control.
Taking control means growing up.
Growing up (contrary to popular belief) means finding greater joy.

Happiness happens inside of you.
It's not always getting what you want, and it's not waiting for a little bit and then getting what you want.
Happiness is when what you have is what you want, because you know it's what you need.

Take control of your human heart. Let it go. Turn to the Lord. Find true joy.

It's well worth the discipline.

Once you've truly moved on, you can pull out that Taylor Swift CD again. You can think of your stories and laugh instead of wanting to relive them. That's when you know you've truly let it go.

copyright: here. i promise i'm not stealing!

Sunday, June 17, 2012

i cared more.

i'm the biggest idiot in the entire world. 

just so everyone knows.
people don't change.
they are never the great people you think they are.
there is no such thing.
don't think the bad will just go away,
because it never does.
and you're left on your ass sobbing
because, once again,
you cared more.

and now i realized i never really meant anything to you. you never really wanted me in the first place. i was just an accident, a mistake. the girl you felt sorry for and took in out of pity or because you felt obliged to. you never sought out just me, and you never looked at me and thought i could be the one.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

my only thoughts right now.


addictions suck.
guys you are better than that. if you cut, know someone who cuts, thought how great it would be to cut:
just don't.
i know it's not that easy. it's not something you can just stop doing because you were told to. 
i get that.
but please.
please try.
it sucks to need something this much. to think that's the only way to fix your problems.
wanna know something?
it doesn't fix ANYTHING. at all.
and scars suck.
people ask what you did and you have to lie to them.
you then have to remember all the lies you've told people.

just don't. 
try as hard as you can. please. it's a slippery slope you're never going to get up if you never just stop.

you're better than this.
i'm better than this...

i'm telling you.

right now & always.
remember this.
there is a person out there who can erase everyone else.
who can make up for every bad thing that anyone has ever done to you.
there is a person who will completely be everything you, everything you need.
who will love you for exactly who you are.
they will be perfect in every way because they just are.
you will not want to change a thing about them.
you will feel lucky every day, that you are the one who gets to be in their presence.
you will feel lucky and grateful, you will not want anymore, you will appreciate what you've been given, for the first time in your life full of changing your mind and never knowing what you want.
it will all finally be clear and simple.
no more searching for home.
you'll know when you get there, how couldn't you?
sure, it's what we all want.
sure, i'm making this seem easy.
but trust me, i know it's not,
but fuck settling for anything but the one that is diamonds and milkshakes.
fuck living your life wondering is you made the right choices.
staring at every guy who walks by and wondering what it would be like to be with them, fuck that.
sure it's easy to try and be reasonable, practical, find someone who is a really good match, take a good seat instead of waiting in line for years for the best one.
but this is the most important decision you will ever make. 
you will spend your entire life with this person, every day.
you will maybe raise kids, continue the human race, with this person.
are you really going to give up on the idea that there is someone that is everything you always dreamed of and more?
i'm not.
i'm not stupid.
i hope everyday that i'm not crazy,
and you know what?
i'm not.
fairytales exist, most people just don't want them bad enough.
maybe i'll fail and you can all say, "look at you now, miss-know-it-all, now you have nothing."
i can accept that.
it's not easy to think about but i'd rather have nothing than never know if the most beautiful creature on the planet could be mine.
i guess we'll see.


i want it to stop hurting.
i want the tears to stop falling.
and i want my heart to stop longing for 
something i know i will never have.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

sometimes, i say funny, and unfortunately true, things.

love is a blind whore with a bad sense of humor.
and it's true.
but funny.

i am not liking love very much right now.
at all.
for many reasons i am not going to post on the internet.
because i'm not an idiot anymore.

but anyways,
i'm going to sell $10,000 of Cutco in the next 10 days.
and i'll pay for my pageant.(:
and i'm excited.

sooo, yeah.
fun day.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

a little poem for you.(:

the sun is up,
the sky is blue.
it is beautiful,
and so are you.(: 

<3 y'all!
have a fan-freakin-tastic day.(:

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

when you catch yourself in a moment and you're like. . . wait wait. . . i'm happy!

today has been a great day.(:
a totally great,
wonderful day.
for many reasons.

i just woke up happy.(:
and then, i took a shower and nothing hurt.
first time in a long time that has happened.
and then, i went shopping with my grandma.(:
i spent $400 on clothes.
crazy, i know.
but i love clothes. 
they make me happy.(:
and then we went to cafe rio,
and i ate yummy food.
then we went to big lots 
and i found the justin beiber barbie for my little cousin.(:
and now, i'm going paint balling for the first time with my bestest friend.

it's just been a super great day.(:

Monday, June 11, 2012

you make me so confused, it hurts.

i hate some things in my life right now.
there are people who are hurting me.
and there are people who are using me.
people who are hurting themselves for me.
and i don't like it.
i am confused as hell and i hate it.

my head: logical. smart. responsible.
my heart: romantic. crazy. jumpy.
unfortunately, my heart usually wins.
and it gets me in super rough spots.
and i hate it.

when will my life just be easy????

Saturday, June 9, 2012

back to real life.

just got back from trek.
maybe i'll tell you about it someday.
4 days away from people i like and indoor plumbing is the basic gist of the story.

but now,
i am going to go party!
hells yeah.(:

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

my favorite moment in life:

when you're on a long car ride, or you're listening to music, or reading, and you completely zone out. you forget all your troubles, and everyone around you. you're focused on that one thing and only that one thing. you're content and everything seems peaceful.

10 things i learned during my senior year of high school.

1. i could write a beautiful love story and convince every single reader that i know what i'm talking about. but the truth is when it comes to love, no one knows what they're talking about.
2. telling someone with depression to just "get over it" is like telling someone with a broken leg to run to the hospital. telling someone with an eating disorder to "just eat" is like telling someone with claustrophobia to get in a small cupboard and lock the door. telling someone who self-harms to "just stop doing it" is like telling a drug addict to sit in a room full of drugs and not touch anything. how can you judge what you don't understand?
3. it's not about who hurt you and brought you down. it's about who was there to lift you up again, and make you smile.
4. there truely is a fine line between love and hate, simply because, in order to hate, one must truely love.
5. you did a terrible thing. doesn't mean you're a terrible person.
6. missing someone gets easier each day, because even though it's farther from when you last saw them, it's closer to when you will see them again.
7. sometimes, two people fall apart so they can realize how much they need to fall back together.
8. but also, sometimes, you need to just realize that he doesn't care. and that you need to move on an realize there is someone out there who does.
9. you can't judge those who mock you. today, they are just weak. today, they can't handle the truth. you can't judge them because they're weak. and powerless.
10. if you love someone, remember that. even on bad days. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

she closed her eyes and dreamed of paradise.

i want a tattoo.
i want a few more holes in my ears.
i want to travel the world,
and wear a dress, even when i'm doing nothing special.
i want to walk around barefoot in the grass every night of summer for the rest of my life.
i want to be tall enough to kiss the stars,
but still small enough to crawl in bed and stay there for days.
i want to read tons of books,
but i want to stay out late sometimes.
i want to make mistakes.
i want to spend a whole day speaking another language.
i want to write a book that no one else will ever read,
but i want to love it with everything i have.
i want write letter that i'm never going to send,
and i want to keep them under my bed until i forget about them.
i want to start over a few times before i get it right.
i want to accept my imperfections.
i want to dye my hair 2 different colors,
and paint my nails the color of the sea.
i want to let myself be angry,
and i want to let myself be sad..
i want to drive around for the sole reason that i felt like going for a drive.
i want to be held in your arms, 
and i want to remember what it was like being there for the very first time.
i want to write it all down.
i want to live the way i want to.

so, starting now, 
i am going to.

p.s. i changed my tumblr. 
click here.
just do it.
you won't regret it.
or maybe you will.
i don't know.

you are on your own, and you know what you know. and you are the one who decides where you go.

get advice from a genius.

i am probably moving out soon.
which is great news.
my parents hate my newish old friend.
and had a freakout tonight.
sooo, i'm done.

picture post: last day of high school. and other fun things. like graduation. and stuff.

 these people. they're my family. whether they know it or not, i care about each and every one of them. they have gotten me through a lot, and i love each and every one of them.
 this beautiful lady is my best friend Kemsley. we've been friend for a few years and i love her to death. she has been with me through some really terrible things and i love her. lots. she's moving to indiana and i'm going to miss her so much. so, so much.
this is skyler.(: he's my best friend forever. whodathunk we'd make it this long? 4 years is a long time to know someone. and we did it. now, we're graduated.
 we're best friends forever. i know it.(:
 this kid. what to say? we've been through a lot. and i love him like family. he's definitely one of my very best friends, against all odds. and for that, i am grateful.

i have the best friends in the whole world. no joke. 
and, my cute family. 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

dear... you. you know who you are.

dear you, 
you know who you are.
i am writing you this to ask of you a few things, and to also tell you i love you. here goes: 
please understand that I have feelings and cry, a lot, about stupid things mostly. but i know they are stupid things, so i do not need you, or anyone else for that matter, to remind me. and that when i do cry, all i need is the comfort of your embrace to stop my tears. if you do not know why i am crying, or i refuse to tell you, please accept that openly - as you will most likely find out later. if the reason does happen to involve you, i will mention this to you as soon as i pause in my hysterics. 
you must also understand that i am a woman. yes, i menstruate and i am especially sorry if i go into too much detail [but oh it hurts]. and yes i know babe, PMS is not a legitimate reason for my pissy moods. but that anger and/or stress can quickly be relieved by a long talk and comforting words. 
and please do not grumble or complain if i ask you to come with me when i go shopping. i will not ask you if i look fat, i promise. i already know the answer to that, anyway. i might however ask you if this looks nice on me [translation: does my ass look good?].
and yes i will probably spend an obscene amount of money in one day, mostly on shoes [i'm a shoe whore:]] but do not worry, because i like to shower my loved ones with gifts, so we would not leave a store without buying something for you also. taking you on shopping trips is also helping you, decide what to give me for my birthday, our anniversary [if you remember], Valentine's Day, etc. 
but still, as much as i love Diesel, Kenneth Cole, Steve Madden, Prada and other luxury items, nothing makes me happier than something you've created yourself [example- decorate a frame with a picture of us in it]. those are the best gifts, that even if in 25 years i end up hating you to pieces, i will never throw out.
please forgive me if I go to the bathroom with my other girl friends, in what you like to call, a 'pack.' but we go in there to talk about you, anything we say you will probably hear about later anyway but we must first discuss it with our fellow confidants. 
also forgive me if i get upset with you if you don't notice my haircut-but a girls' hair is her treasure. although negative an inch off my luscious locks seems immeasurably small to you, it's massive to me. and I will ask you to lie to me and tell me it looks good, and will end up getting mad at you anyway for lying to me. i have to work on that. 
i also have to work on getting ready faster -- 20mins is not enough time. at the least, an hour is necessary. i apologize for this, but isn't the end worth the means? 
please trust me, because i will never give you any reason not to, so please do not give me one. but that boy, that you sometimes see me with and i sometimes talk to, he, is after all, only a boy, nothing more. if there ever is another person involved i will let you know immediately - the chances of that happening, however, are slim to none. 
please do not lie, or cheat on me. because i will always find out [girls always know] and it will not be pleasant. just tell me the truth, hearing it from you before your friends will be much safer, for everyone, in the end. 
please do not be afraid of my parents, they really are nice folks. my mom finds me dating to be amusing and my daddy cannot bear to see his little girl growing up. he will not hurt you, i promise. [my brother on the other hand...i'm kidding.... kind of....] they just look out for their little, older sister. 
it is okay if you do not like my friends. i know, they are different kind of people but i love them for that. they may scare you, even anger you, but please know that there is a reason i'm friends with each one of them. besides, i probably do not enjoy the company of some of your friends, but that's why they are your friends, not mine. 
i am independent. sometimes i will need you but for the most part i am my own person and can make my own decisions. so do not order my meal for me when we go out to dinner. i have my own eyes to read the menu and my own voice to speak to the waiter. i will want to go out on my own, occasionally, or with friends and but most often with you. 
i, however, do not act different in front of my friends than in front of you- please don't either. because you have no one to impress but yourself. 
i know that it will be difficult to pick out a movie we both want to watch, but we will find a happy medium and compromise. if we are in the theater, i may want to hold your hand or rest mine on your leg, but watch where you put yours. [Because darkness does not equal getting some.] 
oh and another thing, i like to talk on the phone. i understand that you do not and that is okay- i accept that. but know that i love voices, especially yours. it's warm and comforting so maybe sometimes in the middle of the night i will need to hear it. 
please be kind to me, as i will to you. but not too kind, because there is such a thing as too nice of a guy. do not say or do things just to pacify me, because after a while that will get boring. i do not want to walk all over you, do not walk all over me. i know you have feelings too, so i want to hear them. 
if ever something is wrong let me know right away because things will get better, faster, that way. if you choose not to tell me, i will still be able to see it in your eyes. you can hide nothing from me. 
i will also remind you now that i am a hopeless romantic- i like hugs from behind, kisses just because, and notes saying hello. i too understand that doing some of these things may be difficult for you [you will not be any less of a man if you do] but i enjoy them greatly. 
i will not tell you about my past with other guys and likewise, i do not care about your exes. because no matter who she is, i hate her, she is the enemy. this is the unwritten law all girls must follow. so my name is not Stacy, Lauren, or Ashley, it is Meghan. if by chance, you happen to forget that, there will be problems.
it is alright if we disagree, or argue- that will happen sometimes unfortunately and it will kill me. please do not get mad at me if I do not know what sport the San Antonio Spurs play [basketball]. And it's okay if you think basketball is the greatest sport ever, but i prefer manicures and writing. 
i'm sorry if i'm not much for a challenge to you when playing a new game on your play station. i swear, i really do enjoy it, but me not being a boy, i was not born with a natural ability to be good at all video games known to man. 
it's okay if you don't like to dance. just slow dance with me, occasionally, either in the privacy of a home or in public- because dancing is good for us. 
do not be ashamed to go into Victoria's Secret with me. 
you also must know that i do not enjoy being called cute when I am sick or angry. because I am the farthest thing from cute when I am sick or angry, it makes me think that you would like to see me this way more. 
also, this is something you must understand to fully love me. i am not a size 0 or 2. i will never be either of those sizes, nor do I care to be. although sometimes i would convince people otherwise from all my moaning and complaining. but I have curves, and i enjoy them [I think you do too]. i am, after all, a woman. my hips are wide and my body is healthy, that is just me and you must accept that, as i am. 
i am insecure about myself, and i will need the reassurance from you that i am beautiful, even though i will never truly believe it. 
yes, i do look better with makeup on. i do not believe in natural beauty, so excuse the morning makeup routine, i try to look great for you. 
and sometimes my pants are too long, that is why i always wear high shoes, but i will never be taller than you, so do not worry. 
i may walk with my head high, not moving for anyone. my nose may sometimes be in the air, but i am never better than anyone else. it is a disguise; it's really just flaming insecurity. but if you shower me with love and confidence, i will be okay. 
and now, i have just a few more favors to ask of you: 
if you need to cry, please do [I will not tell your friends]. 
if you need to talk [or scream/yell] i will be here to listen, always. 
do not be afraid to ask for my help, with anything. we all need help sometimes and that is part of the reason i am here. 
please forgive me though, if my attempts to appease you fail, but i will try- as sincerely and honestly as i can. 
also know that i love you, and in a small way, will always love you, even if we fall out of love with each other. which someday, may happen. and if it does, i will be angry, and throw fits and cry. But after awhile, with some time i will get over it. i am not sure how much time, but eventually, i will. 
just be there for me, despite the fact that i will tell you to go away and scream 'i hate you's' that i do not mean. 
please, never hurt me intentionally. i am delicate and sensitive, as i have mentioned before, i cry easily. i act strong, by putting up a barrier, a fortress, but you are the most likely person to tear it down the fastest. 
i am vulnerable to you; my heart is putty in your hands. and you are left holding it, ready to be molded....

love, meghan.lanae