how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard

ummm, yes. 
there is only one thing in the world that i hate more than sour cream, sunburns, or sorrow, and that's saying goodbye.
i hate it.
so much.
it's like the hardest thing to do.
especially after such a wonderful evening.
with such an amazing boy.
goodbyes are hard,
but i am reminded of a wonderful quote i heard once.
it goes something like this:
goodbyes are not forever,
goodbyes are not the end.
they simply mean i'll miss you
until we meet again. (anonymous) ((dude. this anonymous guy says a lot of note worthy things:))
but yes.
it's true.
i know i'll see him tomorrow.
and i know i'll talk to him as soon as he gets home.
it's just that...
that...
separation.
i don't like it.
and it gets harder every night.
but i'm grateful to have someone who is so wonderful, and who makes it so hard to say goodbye.
[[it wouldn't be so hard if he didn't mean so much to me]]

i'm falling. i'm falling. i'm falling in love with you.

oh my. 
i love him.
i really, honestly do.
it's official.
i'm madly, desperately, irrevocably and unconditionally in love with Roy Beltran.
with his smile.
with his kindness.
with his christianity.
with his forgiveness.
with his love.
with his eyes.
with him.
all of him.
and i know i'm only 16.
it's crazy.
i know. 
it's not supposed to happen.
i know.
butithas.
i know what love is.
and this is it.
am i scared? to be completely honest, a little bit.
but i've never trusted anyone like i trust him.
i feel vulnerable.
but i love him.
love is trusting.
love is giving.
love is everything. 
i love you, Roy Beltran.
please don't forget it[:

somewhere with you

sometimes life is a lot to handle.
i know. 
i've been there.
sometimes it seems like it would be way easier to just run away.
from life.
from people.
from everything.
even for a little.
yes.
it does help.
go for a walk.
paint.
sing.
dance.
draw.
read.
laugh.
photograph.
all of these things are positive ways of dealing with life.
and they do help.
distract yourself.
cry for peat's sake. 
it's not illegal. 
it's not a sign of weakness.
it shows strength to express your emotions.
not weakness.
remember there are always people who love you.
remember life is always worth it.
sometimes it sucks.
sometimes it's overwhelming.
but it's always worth it.
everything happens for a reason.
this is going to be weird. 
and a big step for my blog,
but i sharing with you a scripture.
Isaiah 25: 8
it says:
"He will swallow up death with victory; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth; for the Lord hath spoken it".
love.
he will.
if you turn everything over to the Lord, He will help you through anything you are asked to deal with.
He always does. no matter what.
He won't give you anything He doesn't know you can handle. 
that's the great thing about life.
the scriptwriter knows exactly what His characters can handle.
pray.
give everything to Him and then come what may, and love it[:

sunshine and summertime

ahhh.
summer is in the air.
love is brewing.
the days are warm,
and the nights are wonderful.
sigh[:
roy gave me a piggie-back ride from kate's house last night.
he's so cute[:
we're going to do an epic photo shoot some time soon[: 
can't wait[:
i love my boyfriend.
so much. 
thee end.

meghan=tired.

yes, folks, you heard it here first. 
the girl with inconceivable amounts of energy, and who never sleeps, is tired.
couldn't be from the 15 applications i just filled out[:
oh! if anyone knows of anyone who is hiring,
let this girl know. 
she needs a job.
badly[:
oh and i babysit. 
so, yeah. 
if you need a babysitter,
call.me.up[:
yes.
thee end.
random rant of the night.
i love you all.
sleep well. 
yes[:

ummm, yes. i have feelings. and a life.

i love my parents.
i love everything they do for me.
it's just...
i'm frustrated with them.
they are suffocating me.
i look at all my friends.
their parents "love" them too.
but they get to actually hang out with people.
they get to go to parties.
they get to actually drive places.
they get to sleep in for peat's sake.
i just...
i'm a teenager.
i want to be able to do things with the other kids my age.
i want to be able to go to parties, and hang out with people.
i want to be able to meet people for lunch, and do random things.
i want to be able to go on a date with my boyfriend without begging on my hands and knees.
i just want to be able to live my life.
is that so much to ask?

some hearts just get lucky sometimes

sometimes, right in the middle of real life, love gives us a fairytale.
that's the only way i can describe it.
he's perfect.
i'm madly in love.

and i thought i loved you then

oh my freakin' stinkin' gosh. 
my boyfriend.
i love him a lot.
let me tell you what we did today.
i woke up at like 11. 
texted him.
asked him if he wanted to go to the rec with my dad and i.
he did.
we walked around the track for like 2 miles listening to awesome techno music, him laughing at my camelot music choice, and just generally being awesome.
then, we went back to my house, frolicing was involved, ate cantaloupe and grapes. it's was yummy.
we went upstairs and hung out in my room for a while.
ran a couple of errands for my mama.
watched twilight[: yes, the twilight. i made fun of it a lot. roy had to shut me up a couple of times[: maybe a few more than a couple.
then, we ate dinner. yummy food[:
we watched the NBA draft until Jazz got the 12th pick. i cried when Jimmer got picked by the Nuggets. no joke. it was bad.
roy taught me basketball lingo. well, some[:
we watched 2 episodes of criminal minds. well, he and my brother did. i fell asleep curled up in a ball on his chest. he's just so warm.... it's hard not to[:
then, my brother and roy watched julian smith videos.
awesome, yes?[:
THEN, epic win, we went to the Cars 2 premiere!!!! 
AKK!!!
it was a GREAT movie. 
not gonna lie[:
3-D, with Roy Beltran. 
eep. wonderful[:
then, we came home. 
and you can actually see the stars tonight[:
so that, my friends, was the makings of a good day.
14 hours with the sweetest, funniest, most darling-est guy i know[:
for the win[:

I like colorful clothing in the sun

sigh. summer. 
how wonderful[:
well, some of it.
the hanging with Roy part: definitely wonderful[:
the eating cantalope part: wonderful[:
the sleeping in until noon part: hasn't happened yet, but it will be wonderful[:
but, there are non-wonderful parts.
like finding a job.
and working for my grandma to pay off a ticket. 


ak. i can't even handle the fact that i'll be a senior... 
bleck.


this has been a super random post brought to you by, the one and only, meghan.lanae.
you're welcome[:

i absolutely adore this video. so i decided to share.[:

love isn't one thing. it's a million little things.

Roy Beltran.
probably the cutest.
nicest.
funniest.
most adorable...est?
guy i've ever met.
never before has a guy called me beautiful,
or smart,
or pretty,
or told me how much he loves me 
as often as Roy does.
i can't help but believe him.


i've heard it said before that love doesn't exist when you're 16. or 17. or even 18. but i think they were wrong. 
yes, it's not supposed to happen.
yes, it's not normal for it to happen.
but then again, when has anything i've done been normal? [:


he's quite honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me.
he knows how to hold me when i cry (like when i got my ticket...)
he knows how to brighten up even the saddest days (when i'm fighting with my parents, and we try to go geocaching:))
he knows how to get me to do things i wouldn't normally do (like go swimming, or play video games)
he knows how much some things mean to me.
he knows basically everything.
and it makes me happy that, finally, i have found a guy who loves me for, well, me[:
i don't have to pretend to be anything but myself. 
and that's the best feeling.


so here's what our summer has been:
*hanging out EVERYDAY (except sunday)
*watching movies. 
*parks, parks, and more parks.
*we went to the mall with our brothers.
*playing video games, a little.
*swimming
*we tried geocaching[: ummm, not so much[:
*hanging out with kate and nikki[:
*just bein with each other.
and strangely, it doesn't matter what i do with that kid. just being with him is the best thing that's ever happened to me. 
he lights up a room just by being in it.
he knows how to make me feel like a princess.
he doesn't care about all my stupid quirks.
he loves me for me.
and that's all a girl can ask for[:
i love you, roy beltran.
thank you for being so amazing, and caring, and sweet, not to mention attractive[:
thee end[:

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home

today was... well, quite honestly, not that great.
i didn't see roy.
i got yelled at. 
bruises are showing up.
it was just all around, not so great.


but, i read a really, really good book. 
called the tenth circle by jodi picoult. 
it's about rape, and parent-child relationships. 
it's actually really, really good. 
but there was one part, that i really, really liked. 
so i decided to share[:


"it was not a coincidence that no and know sounded the same. You were supposed to be able to say the magic word, and that was enough to make your wishes - or lack of them - crystal clear. But no one ever said yes to make sex consensual. You took hints from body language, from the way two people come together. Why, then, didn't a shake of the head, or a hand pushing hard against a chest speak just as loudly? Why did you have to actually say the word no for it to be rape?
That one word, spoken or not, didn't make Jason any less guilty of taking something she was not willing to give. It didn't make her any less foolish. All it did was draw a line in the sand, so that the people who hadn't been there to witness it -- Moss and Zephyr, her parents, the police, the district attorney -- could take sides.
But somewhere along the line, it also made her realize that she couldn't blame Jason, not entirely, for what had happened."


ah, if you like good books, read this one.
and Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson.
and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larson.


thee end[:

someday i'll be big enough so you can't hit me

so there's this kid.
and he just so happens to keep popping up in my life.
but i'm afraid to tell anyone...
problem?
probably.
why am i telling the world this?
i have NO idea. 
maybe cause it's midnight, and i'm a little NOT tired.
maybe because my life needs a little more drama (extreme sarcasm intended)
but, it's probably because it needs to be said. 
and for some reason, writing it is easier than saying it.
it means something different when you just read it on a screen. 
it's not so real... 
to me, it eliminates the pain when it's just words on a page. 
eliminates all emotion. 
i like that part...

someday i'll be living in a big city and all you're ever gonna be is mean

so, yes. i think i shall write a book. well, continue a book i tried writing last summer.
also, you remember that epic post i promised? it's almost done[: 
aaanndd, i officially miss school. problem? probably. nay, i miss having structure in my life. i really do. honestly.
and tomorrow, i will have a really cool post done. more inspirational. it'll be grand[:

i feel like i'm drowning in ice water...

there are only 2 things i want in my life right now that i don't already have.
1.) a new phone. one that, oh i don't know, actually calls people? yeah. that would be great. stupid phone. do your job.
2.) parents who actually care about me as a person. yes, they care about me because i'm their daughter and blah, blah, blah. i've heard it all. but they don't care about me as a person. they care about being able to say "my daughter is a 4.0 student at maeser. my daughter is modeling. my daughter takes beautiful pictures. my daughter has the cleanest room on the block" blah. that's all they care about. not me.

feelings

Hi, i'm meghan, and yes, i do have feelings.
there are 2 things i hate most in the world right now.
my parents.
stop treating me like a freakin' 5 year old and let me live.
yes, i have a boyfriend.
yes, i kiss him.
yes, i was 5 minutes late.
no, it's not right.
no, i'm not doing drugs.
no, i'm not having sex.
no, i'm not staying out all night partying.
so.back.the.hell.off.and.let.me.live.my.stinkin'.life
thank you.

sick and tired

yes. i do get depressed sometimes.
no, my medicine doesn't always help the way it should.
yes, sometimes my life gets hard.
but you know what?
you aren't helping anything.


there comes a time when you need to let me go.
k? i can live my life just fine without your help.
and yes, i will make mistakes.
we all make mistakes.
i'll screw up, and deal with it.
such is life.
let. me. screw. up.
i'm never gonna learn if you don't let me.
just because you made some crappy decisions doesn't mean i will.
thee end.

you know what?

he makes me happy.

when i'm with him, i don't have a care in the world.

i don't have to worry about school,

or life,

or my parents,

or my other friend's problems.

i don't have to worry.

i feel like a little kid again.

i feel like the little girl i used to be,

with the contagious smile,

and the bubbly personality.

the one who never cried.

the one who didn't care what other people thought.

that's how i feel when i'm with him.

but when i'm at home, i don't feel that way.

i feel singled out.

i feel like the world is bent against me.

i feel like i can't do anything right,

and that hurts.

now, you yell at me.

scream at me.

call me names.

make fun of me.

make me feel, overall, like i'm useless.

he makes me feel happy.

giddy even.

like there isn't a care in the world.

he makes me feel like me.

and you wonder why i don't spend time at home?

ummm, yeah.

cool.

you're great.

phone.funeral

i will soon be having a phone funeral.
you are all invited.
in the meantime,
call me on my house phone.
like we're 5 again or something.
you are all great.
i loves you alots.
thee end.

Epic. Post. To. Come.

so, i got this idea from youtube. about labels, and how you got labels, and how you can turn those labels into more positive things. like on glee.
but, alas, i feel weird talking into a camera.
and i doubt i could figure out how to upload the video to youtube anyways.
and i'd be upset with myself over how often i use the words "like" and "umm".
so i decided to blog it!
with pictures!
and other amazing-ness.
soooo, yes.
more to come on that[:

but, let me tell you something.
i.hate.growing.up.
thee end.
period.
completado.
el fin.

i thought summer was supposed to be about fun, and sleeping in until noon, and frolic-ing with friends, and be happy, and just generally being a teenager.
but no.
when you get to be old like me, you have to get up at the crack of dawn to give resumes to stupid businesses who will probably never want to hire you anyways.
you have to spend all day working on stupid online classes because you have to graduate, or something.
stupid? yes.
hated? yes.
blarg.


p.s. go to memebase.com
do. it.
now.
click on "challenge accepted".
laugh your head off.
click on "me gusta"
laugh your other head off.
click on "anti-joke chicken".
die of laughter.

thank you.

and sometimes, just sometimes, everything works out just the way it is supposed to.

i love my super amazing, sometimes crazy tragic, awful, beautiful life.
thee end.
i love everything about it.
i love my family.
my friends.
my bedroom.
my boyfriend.
my happy wall.
my... well, everything.


gah. 
thee end.

sometimes it's raising your voice, sometimes it's making some noise, sometimes it's proving to the world it was wrong.

here's the best thing in life.
proving to people they were wrong,
and you were right.
thee end.

so here's the letter.
dear all those stupid kids who have made fun of me since i was little,
you suck.
and you had absolutely no control over me.
and hey.
guess what.
i'm actually doing things with my life!
i'm doing modeling.
i'm doing photogaphy.
floral design.
singing.
playing piano.
all those things you said i was bad at, yeah. screw you.
you said i was ugly, so i proved you wrong.
you said i couldn't hold still long enough to do anything, so i proved you wrong.
you said i had no eye for color, so i proved you wrong.
you said i had a terrible voice, so i proved you wrong.
you said my hand were too fat and small, so i proved you wrong.
yes, i am different.
i will always be different.
but while you're sitting at your 9-5 job filing papers and sucking up to your crooked boss, i'll be out in the world, doing what i love, meeting amazing people, and loving my life.
just thought you should know that you helped me become who i am today.
thank you.
thee end.
love, meghan.lanae.carpenter.
the weird one.
the special one.
the outcast.
the loser.
the square peg in a round hole.
the suck-up.
the bitch.
the daddy's girl.
the perfectly imperfect.
me.

speak

well, there is this book. called Speak and i'm pretty sure it changed my life. you should read it. really.
we all go through tramatic experiences.
whether it's breaking your collar bone, or being raped, or your mom passing away, or moving across the country, or breaking up with a boyfriend.
all of these are tramatic in their own respect.
but here's the great thing about life.
we are ever changing.
we are ever growing.
and it is only through these experiences that we allow ourselves to change.
and it is through these experiences that we are molded, shaped, and refined into the people we are supposed to become.
and there is a process to dealing with things.
first, there is denial. this is the step where we deny that something happened, so that, in our minds, it didn't.
second, pain and guilt. in my opinion, the worst step. it's all my fault and life will never go back to being normal.
third, anger. emotional outbursts save you from the internal pain and greif you feel.
fourth, depression or loneliness. this step is usually when you focus more inwardly on the tramatic event. yes. it sucks.
fifth, upward turn. sometimes spiritual, others just a consious decision to change your life.
sixth, reconstruction. put your life back together and get back into a routine.
seventh, hope and acceptance. yes, this happened to me.

in speak the main character was raped. and the book is her journey to acceptance.
i love it.
thee end.
just thought you should know.
and read it.
goodbye.

happiness, sheer, blissful, undying, tickle your toes, crinkle your nose happiness

here's the thing.
i'm happy.
i know, gasp. but i am.
i'm happy with who i am today, more than ever before.
i am happy with my friends. i love them with all my heart.
i am happy with myself, something i haven't been able to say in a love time.
i am happy with who i am around my boyfriend. i don't have to be anything else, which is super great, and not something i've ever felt before.
i am happy with life.
the end.

let me say something.
cause there's nothing you can do to stop something, bahaha[:
life is great once you realize life is great.
let me explain.
let's say, you are at school, and you have 2 choices.
a.) survive the day. wake up at 6, want to go back to sleep, get ready, drive to school, swear at people who cut you off, arrive at school, grumble about your far-away parking job, go to math, then bio, then TA, then seminary, then lunch (life gets a little better at lunch), then gov, then history, then 2 periods of socratic. then you go home, eat a snack, do your homework, take a shower, go to bed.
OOORRRR
b.) wake up exactly 3 minutes before your alarm goes off, feel ninja, bounce across the room to turn off your alarm BEFORE it goes off (i know! gasp!), get ready, drive to school, DON'T swear at the drivers who cut you off but instead nicely let them in and slow down so you aren't tailgating them (i hear it's annoying? i wouldn't know), park as far from the doors as possible (you know, to get exercise), open the door for a cute little middle schooler carrying a bunch of books, help a kid who has dropped the contents of their backpack in front of your locker, get to math early and chat it up with your math teacher (who is secretly a ninja. just. like. you[:), then run down the stairs as fast as you can (not tripping, obviously) and give your best friend a massive hug, go to bio and play ultimate frisby on wet grass (for the win:)), skip TA and play in the sprinklers and be visited by the most attractive boy the world has ever known ( roy beltran *cough cough*), then go to seminary and don't grumble under your breath about how boring it is, then LUNCH! maybe there is a little screaming, you never know, epic dance party of awesomeness in the gov room anyone? i think yes, then gov which consists of crazy ideas, an ADD teacher, and being distracted by an attractive boy, then history with dr. barlow, aka the coolest guy ever, watching WWII romance movies that make me sad inside, and then going to my amazing socratic class, which consists of a bunch of the coolest kids ever, who win at life, namely roy beltran, kemsley corell, maddie law, dallas devey, joe cassler, nik ruplinger, camille hauglid, mandy newson, angela zhan, daniel kim, brock smith, alek harding, lisette snyder, and miss brough, so it's obviously a party everyday[: and then, as if life couldn't get any better, you go home, eat delicious cauliflower, frolic, do your homework, AND get everything done in time to watch criminal minds. epic win of a day. yes, i know.
now. i would MUCH rather have option b. wouldn't you? yes? i think yes. but what changed from option a to option b. you went to the same classes, with the same people, at the same time. you really wanna know what changed? your attitude.
life is great once you realize it's great.
so realize it.
do not be a cotton-headed ninny muggins.
don't. do. it.
it's a scary road my friends...
scary indeed...
BOO!
thee end.
love, me[:

500 Days of Summer = my favorite movie. ever. thee end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLe399FeWM4&feature=related

watch this. the end.

life is a storm. you just gotta keep walking.

 Storms are here to hurt you, but in a way that'll make you grow. Like when wind storms blow off the dead branches of trees so new ones can grow. I always thought that if I thought I was beautiful or sweet or something it would be vanity and so I would never look at myself like that and accepted it if someone put me down. But I am. I'm beautiful, sweet, smart, caring, gentle, strong and confident and that's not vanity, that's who I am. I fight for what I believe is right even if it means skipping the easy path and going towards the hard one, because in the end it will be worth it. I love everyone and everything and I will do everything in my power to make sure they are safe and happy. I can only rely on myself, because I'm the only one who knows what I want and what will make me happy. At times there will be gates in our lives that will open up to us and if we cross that gate everything will change. Most of us are afraid to cross that gate not knowing what's on the other side and deciding to stay in front of it where it is familiar, but that will only stop us from developing into the person we were meant to be. Almost everytime there will be something good on the other side of the gate, you just need to close your eyes and move forward, trusting in yourself. The world moves on and it will not wait for you and nothing positive will come out of you trying to stay in the same situations forever. You need to move with the world and grow and build your happiness on yourself and have faith everything will work. Who knows, maybe some situations that you loved, but had to  let go, will come back, but things would be different and changed, making it better. Life isn't easy, everyone has struggles and there's over 6 billion people in the world so chances are someone is feeling the same way you are so you are never alone. Storms will come, but they come for a reason and only you can step across that gate and accept the change.