accidentally in love.

sometimes, you fall for all the wrong guys. and life seems to be turned against you. and nothing is going right, and it seems like everyone is out to get you.
and then you meet one person.
and you fit perfectly in their arms, and their smile makes you happy, and it's just so easy to be yourself around them.
and everything that has happened seems to wash away.
and all that matters is that one person, and being with them, and talking to them, not because they are attractive, or because they're popular, or even because they like you.
you love being with them because you love the person you are when you're with them.
they bring out all your best qualities and you can't help but be a better person when you're with them.
and you wanna know what the best part is?
they're real.
they're painfully real, and that's what makes them so perfect.
they're perfect because of their imperfections.
and they're not from some movie, or tv show.
this is real life.
this is perfect stupidity.
this is teenage trust.
this is wonderful bliss.
this is the best feeling ever.

have you ever met someone who you just can't help but be happy when you see them?
someone who makes you smile just by being themselves?
someone who tells you you're beautiful and wonderful and amazing every day?
someone who you can't help but love just because of the gravity of their personality?
i have.
his name is roy beltran.
and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
and, against all odds, and all my crappy relationship history, he is my boyfriend[:
and i love him.
a lot.
the end[:

i.love.my.life.

you have no idea.
i am just... gahhh!!! let me start from the beginning, of... yesterday[:
i got to school late because some stupid jeep was going 10 in the 45 on state street. stupid jeep.
so i was a little grumpy.
then my math teacher gave us a test, you know the long stupid no calulator kind?, yeah, that sucked, especially since we have finals in  like... a week.
biology: we watched a stupid movie about stress. that was boring. and, quite honestly, stressed me out. oh the irony[:
then things got better.
commons was totally great. end of the year slideshow. i was in it 3 times this year! mostly just cause i went to all the basketball games, but, you know[:
then i have TA, but i ditched to help Mr. K. so kems and i walked around the school picking up trash and i ran through the sprinklers[: it was great. i was so cold[: then we went inside and helped marshall with some 5k stuff, which was fun. and roy came to visit us from journalism[: best part of 3rd period.
then, i was forced to go to seminary, where i bowled a strike. it was great[:
then, school was out. finally. longest half day ever[:
we all went to phesant brook park, and had the best food fight the world has ever known. i love the pcc.
picture time![:




i was so gross. chocolate syrup,
whip cream,jello, and maple syrup
on every inch of my body.
 i had food in places where food should
NEVER be.




aww, my beautiful face.
chocolate syrup courtesy of
Roy Beltran.
Thanks hun[:




my hair. it's a blurry
picture, but it was a gross
combo of maple syrup, whip
cream, jello, and mustard.




my back. shirt: beyond
dirty. past the point
of no return.
shorts: possibly
salvagable.













then, after my hour and a half shower,
i took a nap. i was exhausted. haha
i woke up to kate standing in my house, with chandler in the car.
great way to wake up, no?[:
we went to blockbuster, fresh market, and panda, awesome[:
then i got a call from Roy, and he asked if i could go on a date last night, instead of tonight. of course[:
so we went on a date last night.
he came and picked me up, and it was great, and my parents seemed to like him, no small feat, and he was wearing slippers[: best part ever.[:
we went to his friend devon's house and watched tarzan, cute movie, by the way. i had never seen it. there may or may not have been a lot of cuddling. you will never know[:
then we went to comedy sports. it was great. so freakin' hilarious. can't even handle it[: you really should go.
it was great. so so great[:
it was midnight. haha. i enjoy that part[:
we dropped everyone off and then he drove me home. we rocked out to music and it was great[:
he walked me to the door and it was cute[: and we hugged. and here's the best part. ready?[:
he asked me to be his girlfriend! me![: gasp. i know[:
sooo, yesterday was the best. ever.[:
the end.

i love my friends[:

these past few days have been so freakin' stressful! can't even handle it.
umm, well, i have an incomplete in seminary, stupid junior year. this year. my oh my.
gallbladder surgery.
grandma passing away.
really good friend's mom passing away.
sick... ALOT.
one sluff day. i needed that.

just, all around, junior year has been extremely stressful. can't wait until i get done. 2 more weeks. i can do this.

anyways, i didn't get on here to tell you about my crazy school life. i came on here to thank some important, not all liked, but important people.

Roy Beltran. thank you for being... you. you can walk into any room and there is just a light all the way around you. you always know just how to make me happy, and we can have the greatest time just chilling and talking about nothing, or hiding chips from erma-linda[:

Kemsley Corell. you're a stinkin' babe. i can't even handle it. i love you so much. you can say anything to me and i know i can't take offense because i know it has so much love and honesty, i can't be mad at you.

Marc Luthy. because he always pops up at the right time, and he makes me feel uncomfortable[: no one has ever been able to do that before! bravo![:

Chandler Merkley. thank you for going with me to prom. and introducing me to your music. you're a stinkin' hottie. yes, you can quote me[:

Katelyn Winward. thank you for being there for me when i was falling apart. thank you for always listening and being my shoulder to cry on. also, you're attractive.

Chris Gonzales. thank you for  teaching me to not be so trusting, and to not get too attached to one person. thank you for teaching me that i can stand on my 2 feet, and that i don't need anyone else to tell me who to be.

Angela Lewis. thank you for being the wonderful person that you are. i know i can talk to you about anything and i really love that[: also, i'm glad we're getting married tuesday of next year[:

Cami Hobbs. this may be weird. but thank you for being so honest all the time. i know we don't know each other very well, but just from your blog and facebook, just thank you.

Camille Okelberry. thank you for saving me from a date. you're the best.

Nikki Beighley. thank you for being so supportive and beautiful all the time. you give great hugs and i always know i can go to you for boy advice[:

Emily Juchau: thank you for being amazing. and so loving to everyone. i can feel that and i'm greatful to you for being that way. p.s. thanks for matching me on new year's eve. we are so hawt[:

anyone who i haven't already mentioned. i love you. you are a beautiful child of God, and He loves you also. [:

thank you to all my awesome, beautiful, caring, darling, energetic, fun, gorgeous, hot!, ingenious, jazzy, kind, loving, marvelous, nutty, optimistic, perfect, quirky, remarkable, super, tenacious, unbelievable, vivacious, wacky, xanthic, young, zany friends! you're amazing! and i love you. the end.

okay. here i am, giving my whole heart to you. i hope you take it... don't hurt me please.

okay. i'm a girl.
i know, quite obvious, yeah?
but i am such a girl.
i am falling for a boy. again. remember last time when i said i wouldn't do that? yeah. i lied.
gah. why does he have to be so perfect and cute and nice and smart? i can't even handle it.
also, i have found my future pickup line. "you give my premature heart palpatations" bahahaha!!! [:
i'm a nerd. i know.
but you know you love me[:
the end.

okay, here's the thing

people keep telling me, "Meghan, why are you changing? this isn't you."
well, i'm here to tell you i'm not changing.
this is who i am.
i am not the perfect, suck up, goody-two-shoes, never make a mistake, not a hair out of place girl you think i am.
i'm just not.
and it's tiring being something you're not all day long.
so i'm not.
i haven't changed.
i just stopped living life the way you want me to live my life.
i don't need to pretend to be perfect. i don't need to pretend to be things that i'm not.
yes, i am still getting passing grades.
yes, i still believe in God.
yes, my room is still as clean as ever.
i'm just being me.
the real me. not the mask i wear around you people everyday because you can't stand to deal with the truth of the situation.
you forced me for so long to be something that i'm not. you made me put on an act so you could go around telling people how perfect of a friend, or a daughter, or a neighbor i am. well, the curtain has closed on that act of my life.
meet me. meghan lanae carpenter.
i...
-am confident in who i am. don't like it? i don't care.
-have been hurt by a lot of people so i don't trust people. it's just how i am.
-love my life, but i'm not afraid to die. i have been really sick for long enough to know that sometimes, dying isn't that scary.
-am 16, and barely learning how to cry. this is because, my whole life, i was taught that crying meant you were weak. well, news flash: i'm not weak. and i do cry sometimes. it's normal.
-have been suicidal; i do have scars; i have depression; this does NOT define who i am. i don't care what you think.
-believe in God. i actually have a really great relationship with him right now. but i don't like going to church. i don't like all that goes along with it. (to read more about this, click here)
-think that bad things happen for a reason. this has been proven to me more than once.
-know that this is my freakin' life and i should be able to live it how i want to. i can dress the way i want, do my hair the way i want, hang out with the people i want to, and do whatever i want.
-am tired of people telling me i'm changing. ummm, no. i'm not. i've just stopped living life the way you want me to live it. i'm living it for me.

so, if you could just be a doll, and stopped telling me i've changed, and actually get to know me, that would be great[:
thanks.

today... is a beautiful day to be alive

because of recent news of worldly destruction, i have decided to make today the best day ever. let me tell you how.

first, i went to apply for a job. at this really cute flower shop. which is great.

next, i am blogging. always great[:

after that, i will probably go play with chalk. because it is just a beautiful day[:

maybe, i'll go see fast 5. a movie i REALLY want to see. no one really knows why.

and after that, i have no idea! probably something so random and crazy, the world will never believe i did it![:

so yes. there you go.
i am going to have the most epic day before the world ends at 6 PM tonight[:

i love you.
yes, you.
all of you.

the end.

post script: codeine still makes me feel funny[: it's great.

goodbye.

hi, my name is meghan, and i'm scared.

that's right folks! you heard it here first. i'm scared. of a boy. stupid? yes. pathetic? yes. needed? possibly. understandable? i think so.

k, first, he's a great guy. i will probably never doubt that. sweet, kind, genuinely interested in my life. all things boys who i've liked have never had.
but still, i can't get rid of this feeling. this... i have trust issues, with good reason (see last post), and it's just always been hard for me to let myself fall for a boy. and i'm here to say that i don't like it. as much as i like having a boyfriend, i don't like this part. the pre-relationship, i like you but i can't tell you until i know you like me back kind of stage. this part sucks.
boys: you suck. hard core.

in other news, the world will end tomorrow. get your ducks in a row and i will be making lawn signs that say "you're still here, bitches!" and send them to be put in the lawns of prominent religious leaders of said prophesying church in california. for the win.

also, i'm feeling better[: robotusin plus codeine makes me feel happy inside[: also, i was high at school today. it was great fun[:

and yes. i am completely over a guy who was causing me a lot of pain. i saw him today, and voila. the pain=nonexistant. probably cause i was too busy flirting with a different guy, but still. it was great[:

aaalllsssooo, i got a high-five from krystyl today[: because... i don't remember why. but i did! [: this hardly ever happens.

and... yes. i love you.
yes, you.
all of you.

and now my nose is running uncontrolably so i shall go, and sleep, MAYBE, and be happy[:

talk to you tomorrow!

post script: you make me happy.

post post script: yes, i know there is no quote. i think i have given up. i know. gasp! after 7 months, i'm quite bored of it[: there is still the quotes page up there *look to top of page, right under header* click on that, and voila! all my favorite quotes[:

a really personal post. but i need to get this out.

I think that's what i find most strange about this world, nobody ever says how they feel. they hurt, but they don't cry out. they're happy, but they don't dance or jump around. and they're angry but they hardly ever scream. because they feel ashamed . nothing's worse than that. so we all walk around with our heads looking down and never look up and see how beautiful the sky is.

kkk... ummm, well this is a really personal post. that will be spilt up into a few different sections. you don't have to continue reading this, cause it is really long. and probably won't mean much to anyone other than me. [: but i need this to be out there. sooo, here goes.

Hi, i'm meghan. and i have some issues.

these issues include:

obsessive compulsive disorder.

schizophrenia.

generalized anxiety disorder.

anorexia (on and off. see story)

bipolar disorder.

and in order to explain, i shall write a story describing each. maybe it's a way to disconnect the issue from myself, but this is how i deal. 

  

Seven. The age of ballet lessons and Barbie dolls, of learning to add and subtract simple numbers; the time when the family dog is your closest companion. Seven. The age of innocence.
I was a typical looking child. I had long, straight blonde hair that fell past my shoulders. My almond shaped hazel eyes were always full of adventure and curiosity. And I had a smile that could brighten a bleak winter night.
I was a happy child with a loving family, and many friends, who loved to perform skits on family videos. I was a leader at school, not a follower. My best trait was my personality. I had imagination. But what made me special was not seen from the outside: I had a special love for life.
At age seven, my life had a huge breakdown. It was then that I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD is a disorder that is the result of a chemical imbalace in the brain. People with OCD don't think the same way as people with chemically balanced brains. People with OCD do rituals. I started washing my hands ten times an hour to avoid germs, and I constantly checked the oven to make sure it wasn't on. This way of life for me continued for four agonizing years, and by then, my OCD had led to depression. I was no longer the happy girl I had been.
In the 7th grade, I finally confessed to my mother that I was suffering from depression along with my OCD. I couldn't take the emotional pain anymore. I needed help if I wanted to continue living.
My mom took me to a doctor that same week. I started taking medicine that would hopefully cure my OCD and depression. Over the course of a few months, the medicine did help my OCD. I stopped doing rituals. I no longer took four showers a day to avoid germs. But one thing didn't change; I was still overwhelmed with my depression. I was still constantly sad and I started to beleive that my life no longer mattered.
One autumn evening four years ago, I hit rock bottom. I thought that my life no longer had meaning, because I no longer brought joy to people like I did when I was little. I decided suicide was the solution to my depression problem, so I wrote a suicide note to all my friends and family. In the note I expressed that I was sorry for deciding to leave them, but that I thought it was for the best. As I was folding the note, my eyes fell on a photograph. It was a picture of an adorable little girl with natural bleach blonde highlights in her already blonde hair from spending too much time in the sun. She was wearing a ballet tutu and held a flute in her small hands. She has a carefree smile on her face that showed she was full of life.
It took me a few minutes to realize who the girl in the photo was. The photo had been taken for a dance recital when I was seven years old. I almost couldn't believe that smiling child was me! I felt a chill go down my spine. It was like my younger self had sent me a message. Right then and there I knew I couldn't kill myself. Once I had been a strong little girl, and I had to become strong like that again.
I tore up my suicide note and vowed that I wouldnt not rely only on my medicine to help my depression. I would have to fight my depression with my mind too. I could make myself happy again.
It has been four years since I "rediscovered" myself. I am depression-free. I still struggle with my OCD at times, but it is never as bad as it was. I still take medicine to keep my disorder at bay, but the real reason I am healed is because I took action and refused to let depression ruin my life. I learned a lifelong lesson: Never give up. Life is good. Everyone has challenges but everyone can survive. I am living proof of that. Also, it is important to keep smiling, because in the end, everything will work out.
Of course my life can still be a struggle, but I pull through with a smile on my face, my head held high. I know I can't give up on life. I am here for a reason. Sometimes, I think it was stange that I had to look to who I was as a little girl in order to regain faith in myself. But I think everyone can look back on thier early years and see that it was then that they knew how to live in peace and happiness.
I have plans for myself now. Once I graduate high school, I plan on going to college to major in Genetics and Biotechnology. I want to be a Genetist someday. And I am prepared for whatever challenges life may bring. I have a role model to look for stength, and who is guiding me through life. My hero is a seven-year old girl, smiling back at me from a photo on my desk.

ever since i was really little, i haven't been normal. i saw scary people who wanted me dead, or to hurt my friends, or to hurt animals, or who yelled at me. and i got used to them. i thought they were normal. they had names, wednesday, kaden and danny. they were my "friends".

it wasn't until i was in 5th grade that i even knew anything was wrong. i would talk about my friends and everyone brushed them off as imaginary friends. i mean, i was only 10.

but one night, my mom walked in on me yelling at wednesday. i was thoroughly convinced they were all real, and that scared my mom. she took me to my therepist where i was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

now, i was told that my entire support system didn't exist. if they didn't exist, then what did?

that fact didn't hit me until later, when i actually understood what was going on.

since then, i have developed 3 more halucinations. they are still just as scary, and they yell at me just as much. and there was a time when i couldn't handle that. i was in Utah State Mental hospital for almost 4 months.

but i have learned something. i have 6 of the best friends anyone could ask for. God knew i was going to be lonely sometimes, so He gave me friends who wouldn't leave, as much as i wanted them to. He knew i would have trust issues, so he gave me friends who know everything about me, so i would have people to trust. and yes, it is hard. it's a hell of a lot harder than many people realize. but this is who i am. wouldn't have it any other way.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) comes along with alot of mental disorders. it causes panic attacks, which i have a lot of, and just generalized anxiety. obviously.

anorexia. i didn't have a severe case. i was in the hospital on suicide watch during the worse of this, so i was kind of forced out of it. and one of the things with my anorexia is that i dropped so much weight so fast that i don't remember much of it, because my body was shutting down so quickly. but i wrote this in my journal on one of worst days of the whole ordeal. i remember this day well.

i was in the hospital. it was christmas. my family wasn't allowed to come see me. i was going to spend it alone. i really hated myself. but i hit rock bottom. i was dying. not enough energy to function anymore. i was slipping and i knew it. and so i made a choice. i was going to feel better. it was as simple as that. so i wrote this.

Everyone does it so don't feel ashamed, you hate your body I feel the same. I walk past a mirror and I could cry because the person looking back is hard on the eyes. So I yell and I scream although it won’t work I try and I try until the mirror, I broke. I stare at the pieces ashamed at my self to see me go mad because of the way that I look. I decide it's not worth the pain to go through this each day. So I think I'll try to stop hating myself today. I try not to care as I clean up the pieces and try to imagine that it's not me when I see them. As hard as it seems I think it might work to not care what I see when I look at my book of photo's on the table compared to my friends. We are all different inside that’s what makes us unique not the size of our bodies thats just our ink.

i still struggle off and on. still trying to maintain a normal weight. and it's still hard. but i'm getting better, everyday.

bipolar. highs and lows. i can go from extreme happiness, almost frantic, to suicidal in minutes. right before i was diagnosed, i was in one of the worst lows i've ever had. ever. it was stemmed from a tramatic experience and i didn't think life was worth it. i had been cutting myself for about 7 months, all over my body, trying not to get caught. and i hated myself. i talked to krystyl, my phychiatrist, and we did tests. all the information was in front of us for so long. we just hadn't put the peices together.

now, i can't say i'm messed up because of anyone other than myself. it is my fault. many of my problems are serious medical problems because of chemical imbalances in my brain. no one's fault. somedays are better than others, and many are great, now. but it wasn't always been that way. i'm learning. everyday. and i'm grateful for those who put up with my moods, and i know they are plenty.

ready for another story? here goes. haha

For a long time, i've relied on boys to make me happy. as you'll be able to see from the following story.


Mmmkay. In school yesterday, we talked about love. and what it was. and what is wasn't. 3 things: a.) how can you know what love is, when it's different for everyone? i don't understand. b.) do you even know what love is? cause i'm pretty sure it's NOT about complaining about your husband every day. yeah... and c.) i do believe in love. i believe it's out there. i believe when 2 people can look at each other and crinkle their noses and say "i love you" to each other before they fall asleep, i believe they mean it. i just have a hard time believing it's going to happen for me.

 

i know what you  say. i'm only 16. i know. at this point, with my relationship history, i don't think it'll happen. let me tell you are few stories to prove my point.

first relationship: 7th grade. it was sufficiently awkward, as many junior high relationships are. we held hands in the hallways and giggled at each other in class, and i was pretty sure he and i were going to get married and have 4 children and live happily ever after, the end. but, needless to say, that didn't happen. he came up to me one day and said "meghan, i like haylie. i hate you." and walked away. i was a little crushed. but that didn't stop me from having fun[:

skip ahead like... 4 boyfriends? yes. you'll notice in this long winded story that i am pathetic. and a hopeless romantic. and not desperate. at all. *hint: sarcasm. but, annyyywaaayyyss, freshman year. abbey's halloween party. anyone who was anyone was there, obviously. costume contest, i won by the way, as i was a beautiful princess, and basically the only person in a legit, non-slutty costume. (side note: contrary to popular belief, and whatever crap you heard from popular teenage movies, lingerie with assorted animal ears is not a halloween costume. you're gonna get raped wearing that crap.) but anyways, back to the story. i was sitting on the floor, a little scared out of my mind, as we were watching It (still can't stand clowns...). and i was just, like, pretending to be cool, and princess-y and royal, and stuff, and this really cute guy came over and sat down next to me. next thing i know, we're totally flirting. and not even the cute kind. the obnoxious, what-the-hell-was-i-thining kind of flirting. you know the kind. and it was, quite honestly, great. i felt really alive, and it was great. i left the party that night with a boyfriend.

one who would be a major part of my life for almost 2 years.

i know.

whether it was my best friend, or my boyfriend, (it switched alot) he was always there.

then, i learned the truth about that backstabbing, lying, scum of the earth, i can't believe i ever liked you, ever, better stay away from my guy friends now cause you will be castrated, or die, dousche bag.

yes, i have strong feelings.

but i basically found out he was cheating on me. with another girl. aka. my best friend. i was a little mad. to say the least. i guess i still am....

next relationship: 3 boyfriends later. summer. warm days, and nights, basically no curfew, tank tops and short shorts baby[: the guy: my neighbor. finally i liked someone who lived close enough that i could see them regularly. only problem: he was... well... he's a little special. found out he only wanted one thing. after we were together for 3 months. stupid summer romances. when i wouldn't give him some, he dumped me. in the middle of the street. in the pouring rain. typical? i think yes.

sigh. another relationship: somewhere after previously mentioned boyfriend. i was hopelessly lost in life. sounds dramatic. but it's true. i was wandering around aimlessly. i went to a friends house, to do homework, and get away from my parents, and... yeah. haha. i didn't want to hurt myself, and i knew that if i stayed home by myself, i was gonna hurt myself. so i went to my friends house. and there, i met someone who would soon be the next best friend. my friends, except for him, left, and i stayed behind to study, and no one really knows why he stayed behind. but he did. and he came and sat by me, and we made dirty jokes out of my biology book for almost an hour[: the rest of the night was filled with cuddling and it was great. i felt like a little kid again. that girl i used to be, before the innocence was stolen from me. and that was great. this boy gave me hope that all boys weren't hopeless. i mean, he didn't talk to me for a while, then broke up with me over text, 6 texts to be exact... i'm pathetic, remember?, BUT the good news is we're great friends now.

lastly... and most recently, boyfriend number 9. (pathetic, yes.) basketball player. senior. way out of my league. yes, yes and yes. we were happy. met him at a basketball game, and he taught me what the heck was going on. which was great. we went to a few movies, went to a dance, and voila, i didn't have that strong of feelings for him anymore... this is the first time this had ever happened. it was always me getting broken up with, and me having to deal with getting over him. but i was on the other end this time, and i can honestly say, this hurt me worse. me breaking up with him was one of the hardest things i've ever done, and the look on his face made me feel like the most horrible person in the entire world. but it had to be done, and we're kind of good friends now, so that's good.

soooo, as you can see, my relationships have been, well, i have a lot of experience with the wrong guys. some of them have turned out to be great friends. some, not so much. actually, most not so much.

maybe i was just meant to be single my whole life. and, quite honestly, if that's what it takes to not hurt, and not get my heart broken, again, then i might actually be okay with that. but here's the problem. i still hurt even when i don't have a boyfriend. i hurt that that guy i am "madly in love with" only likes me as a friend. i am hurt cause he flirts with other girls. i hurt because i know we'll never be more than friends.... at least we are friends...

maybe i'm just too hopeless to ever be saved. which is possible.

maybe someday i'll meet my perfect guy. less possible.

maybe i already know them.

maybe they go to my school..

maybe they're in one of my classes.... i sure as hell hope not.

maybe they are one of those guys in my classes who just hasn't reached my maturity level yet, that sounds better[:

sorry, weird boy rant.

real story time?

my boyfriend and i loved each other. i know somewhere in both of us, we knew we were going to get married sometime in the future and live our lives together. well, that all changed.
halloween. i was happy. he seemed to be happy. i had actually had a great day. i got flowers, and chocolate, and i got to dress up for school, and it was just an all around happy day. we went to the dance, and everything was very good. my best friend had come to the dance with us, and she was bonding nicely with my other friends, and about half-way through the dance, i snuck away to get a drink, and my boyfriend followed me. he asked me to go take a walk with him, and i knew i should have said no. i should have stayed with my friend, and danced the night away. but no. i didn't.
we walked to the nursery behind the school, and i stared into a pond relfecting the moon for a long time. it was beautiful. i still remember it. but we walked up and down the aisles of the nursery, holding hands, talking, when things got really serious. he dropped my hand and grabbed my arms. it hurt a lot and i told him that. he told me to shut up. i screamed and he yanked his hand up to my mouth, knocking me on the ground. he sat down on me, smacked my face and told me to shut up or he'd hit me again.
the next 3 hours after that are really a blur. i remember thinking i needed to get away, and from the cuts i had i assume i did try. but when i couldn't get away, i zoned out. i focused on the pain to detatch from what was really happening. i'm sure i tried to scream, but nothing came out. i remember that. i remember wanting so bad for it all the be over, and i waited. i let it come because i knew i couldn't get away.
the worst part was the after-effects. i wouldn't cry. i wouldn't let him know he hurt me. he helped me stand up, smiled, looked at me, kissed me, said that if i told anyone, he'd hit me some more, or do it again, and that they wouldn't believe me even if i told anyone because he was my boyfriend, and grabbed my hand and we walked away from the nursery. i'm sure that by the time we got back to the school, the bruises were forming on my face. i didn't care. i wanted to get away from him. he was holding onto my hand and wouldn't let go, so i put on the whole smiley, googly-eyed look i always had around him, and promised myself i wouldn't tell anyone. and i didn't. for a long time. a little less than a year actually. when i told kate, and then chandler. we watched "speak", one of the best movies i've ever seen, by the way, and i was inspired. i needed to tell someone, so i told kate. and then, the night i met chandler, i told him. i don't know why. i don't think that really matters. i told someone. and that was way more than i could have done even a month before. 
but now, you know many of my deepest, darkest stories i've never told anyone. thank you for listening. 

p.s. i don't want sympathy.
this was for me, not for you.
i needed to tell someone, and why not tell everyone?
well, only the people who read this blog. 
who are few.
thank you.
the end.

elusive. she lives life for herself, and no one else

She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.

one of my favorite lines from my favorite book. stargirl by jerry spinelli.

this book is my inspiration.

well, one of them.

i really hope that people will look back and remember me as that girl that always did exactly what she wanted.

who never cared about what others thought of her.

who only did what she wanted to do, to make herself happy.

that girl who was herself every minute of everyday.

i hope that's me when i grow up.

nah, let's face it. i'll never grow up[:

i hope that's me now[:

paradigm shift

Stepping up. It's a simple concept. It basically means to rise above yourself; to do a little more, to show you something special. Life's funny sometimes; it can push pretty hard like when you fall in love with someone but they forget to love you back like when your best friend and your boyfriend leave you alone, like when you pull the trigger or light the flame and you can't take it back. Like I said, in sports they call this 'stepping up'. In life, I call it pushing back.

sometimes, life hurts like hell. sometimes, i feel like i just shouldn't get out of bed, go and hide under a rock, and never move. i'd be happy to do that sometimes.

but that's how we grow.

we grow when we take that sucky life, step on it, and use it as a stepping stool to get to the better you.

get to the you you want to be.

get to the new you.

i love it when like hurts. i love it when i am struggling because i know that when i use that challenge to my benefit, i will be a billion times better as a person.

and that, that is something i want.

that is something i look forward to.

something i love.

hi, i'm meghan and i blog[:

So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it

can i tell you what i believe?

i believe that what happens, happens for a reason.

i believe that when people come into our lives, it's for a reason.

i believe that when people hurt you, it's so you can learn to forgive.

i believe that when people leave, it's so you can learn to let go.

i believe we get our hearts broken so we can learn to heal.

i believe that the people you are around really do have a huge impact on the person you become.

i believe that you need to weigh the pros and cons to any decision you make, any road in life that you persue.

i believe that when we realize life is good, life becomes good.

i believe that people don't look up enough.

i believe that everyone has the right to believe whatever they want, and that others have the responsibility to respect that decision.

i believe that we should be nice to everyone we come across, because we never know what that person is going through.

i believe that life isn't meant to be endured, but to be enjoyed.

i believe that sometimes, life sucks. but when you get through that yucky time, life is 400 times better.

i believe that there are people in life who are meant to put you down, so you can learn to pick yourself up.

i believe that you don't have to do it alone. 

i believe there are people you meet who are there to help you through challenges.

i believe that through challenges we get stronger.

i believe that there is always good to be found in every situation.

i believe that trust is essential to any relationship, be it parents-child, friend-friend, any relationship.

i believe that sponteaity is the spark of life.

i believe that bad things happen to good people, and good things generally happen to bad people, but that in the end, the good people always live a better life.

i believe that sometimes, doctors are wrong. and sometimes, you can prove them wrong.

i believe that we only have one life to live... and if we live that life under our potential, we are going ourselves a dis-service.

i believe we all have the responisibility to change the world. 

i believe that if we don't like something, we need to change it. 

i believe that we all need to stop and smell the roses once in a while. we need to take time to just be happy in the hustle-and-bustle of life.

i believe that life isn't meant to be easy, but that it is worth it.

i believe that we all need to accept the reality that struggles do happen, but there is beauty all around and when we come to know that these struggles are for making every individual better, then life gets to be much easier.

i believe these things, because i have learned them for myself.

i love life because i know what it's like to hate it.

i love myself because i know what it's like to hate myself.

i live for me, because i know what it's like to live for others.

and i am by no means perfect. i make mistakes everyday. but i let them go.

i live my life as it's meant to be, and that should count for something, yeah?[:

changes

I promised myself I'd never again find myself in a position where I'm not in control of my life.

it doesn't take getting struck by lightening to figure out how to live. doesn't take having cancer. doesn't take near death experiences. doesn't take losing a loved one. doesn't take anything big even. it's funny how day to day nothing changes. but when you look back, everything is different.

we spend everyday changing. doesn't always have to be big. you deciding to wear pink today instead of purple could have the most dramatic change on your life.

everyday you change.

and that's the great thing about life[:

there's always some new horizon to get over. some new thing to see, do, feel, live.
so live.
don't mind what others say.
live while you can.
take time and smell the roses.
notice the beauty all around you.
be happy.

everything will be okay[:

The sun's gonna shine and the rain's gonna fall, but that's life so dance in the puddles and bathe in the sun. At the end of the day, just smile and it will all be okay.

there are some people in this world that i just don't understand. well, most of them. the ones who hurt other people for no good reason. the ones who are so worried about what everyone else thinks that they have no opinions. the ones who plug their ears and sing "la la la" whenever anything bad happens, just so they don't have to believe it. those people i just don't understand.

but, after thinking about it, i realized i am one of those people.

sometimes.

not most times.

just sometimes.

if i was one all the time, i just might have to shoot myself.

here's the thing.

sometimes, i'm mean to people.

most of the time i feel so guilty afterwards that i cry and tell them i'm sorry, but i still am mean. and me apologizing doesn't take back that i was mean.

sometimes i worry about what other people think.

and that has caused me a lot of problems.

sometimes, i close myself off to the world.

today is one of those days.

let's face it.

some things are hard.

losing a loved one: hard.

failing a test: hard.

others opinions: hard.

makeup work: hard.

and today, i just give up.

let me tell you a story.

there is this girl, who shall not be named, but this girl was having a rough week. she was fighting with her parents, spent most of her time driving around aimlessly cause she didn't want to go home. she was having trouble in school, getting behind, and not able to catch up. she was having trouble with friends. everyone seemed to gang up on her all at the same time.

then, her grandma died.

and she fell apart.

she decided that because no one would care if she cried, no one would know that she was hurting, no one would do anything even if they did know, she would just not hurt.

she was numb.

that way, when anyone called her a bitch, or life threw her on the ground again, or her parents got on her nerves, or her friends were being idiots, it wouldn't matter.

she was numb.

she gave up on life and everyone in it.

then she had a friend named chandler. and he was her best friend. and he was texting her one day, and he convinced her that she was worth something. he convinced her that all those stupid labels, or insults, or opnions of others were just that: stupid. others thoughts don't have any effect on that girl.

and she was happy.

she decided that she wouldn't worry about what anyone else thought of her.

she decided that life was worth living well, and not without emotion or feeling.

so now, she is trying everyday to live life.

to the fullest extent, having the most feeling and passion that she can, so that when it's over, she'll be able to look back and say, "damn, that was fun" :]

the end. 

i'm home!

just a day, just a day, just an ordinary day...

i'm not here to say that anything huge, crazy, or miraculous happened to me today.

cause it didn't.

i woke up at 8 this morning on the floor of a hotel room in mesquite with my family, i showered, packed my things, got in the car, and drove home. that's my day.

but i think i'll remember this day.

because today, i am at peace.

i'm not worrying about my:

3rd term NG because of insufficent attendence.

grandma's graveside on saturday.

parents constant need for me to be perfect.

mother's opinions of me.

AP tests this week that i haven't even studied for.

strange dreams i've been having.

constant thoughts about how horrible i am.

friends who are falling apart.

everdropping weight and battle with eating.

health issues.

week of makeup work i face this week.

huck finn response.

6-7 page research paper that's due tomorrow.

i'm just not.

this week i've had a lot of time to just think. sit quietly and ponder, think, pray.

and i came to a conclusion.

i don't love myself.

i don't love the person that i am right now.

ever since i was really little, i've only worried about what other people thought of me. i only cared what my parents thought, or my friends, and, as i got older, that cute boy in my math class, or whoever i thought i needed to impress.

i don't need to impress you, or anyone for that matter.

so, i'm going to change that. 

from this day forward, I, Meghan LaNae Carpenter, will do one thing for myself everyday, to gain self-confidence, self worth, and self-love (is that even a word? i don't care :] it is now!).

examples:

Maybe i'll actually do my hair one day, instead of doing laundry before school.

Or one day, maybe i'll paint my nails, or go for a walk, or hang out with friends, instead of doing my homework.

because ever since before i could remember i've lived my life for other people.

and i'm not doing it anymore.

i'm living it for me.

and i don't care what you think[:

Hi, i'm Meghan LaNae Carpenter, and i'm creating myself, everyday, and if you don't like me, you don't have to. it's your loss[:

At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines...or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you're willing to take a chance...the view from the other side...is spectacular.

i don't have much time to write today, but i really, really like this quote. alot. it's so true. if you won't take any risks, you're just going to end up hurting yourself in the end. so take risks. jump with no idea of who is going to catch you. be exactly what makes you happy, and don't care what anyone else says or thinks. you're perfect just the way you are, and you don't need anyone elses approval.

i love you.

that is all.



pictures.of.inspiration

lyrics:the.thoughts.i.don't.know.how.to.say

Do You Feel - The Rocket Summer

I'm thinking about other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things a better ring
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or do you is it just not real
Cause you got your things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all is fine in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or do you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all so many things

Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or do you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all our own things
[x2]

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or do you is it just not real
Cause you got your things
Yeah we all so many things
And I can get past these things

Perfect - Simple Plan

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Break Myself - Something Corporate

I'm on fire
And the day is feeling hopeless
You'd see me burning
But the burning's turning smokeless
Soon I won't feel at all - No
It's electric
The neon hurt inside your phone call
The layered sadness and her madness it revolves
Bringing down the walls where you found love - No

I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days - my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

Now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The further that I fall - is that OK - No

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter - I'm a thousand miles away
If you survive the day you say
Say you're leaving
You say your leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days - my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much
So you don't hurt so much

Never again - will we fire this gun -
Never again - you're the only one
Never again - but you're already gone.

I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid
I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid
I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid

I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days - my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave

I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan carrying a cross
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I ilke hammering nails and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need

Bend and shape me
I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly
Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So descretely
We won't look back

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything

Accidentally In Love

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love

Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love

So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love

Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone, no, no

Come on, Come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once
Upon a time in love

We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love [x7]

Accidentally

I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally [x2]

Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her

Love ...I'm in love