i can't eat and i can't sleep. i'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?

i went on a date last night.
he's 21.
a senior at UVU.
psych major.
we're basically musical soul mates. no joke.
he made me laugh.
we sang in the car together.
oh car. he picked me up in a charger.
we went to tucanos and he didn't laugh at the sheer volume of grilled pineapple i ate.
we went paintballing, and he promised to not shoot me. and he didn't.
even though i shot him. (it was on accident.)
we bought me ice cream and gave me his jacket when i was cold.
he walked me to the door, and gave me a hug, and he didn't even try anything.
it was the second best first date i have ever been on.

then i came home and sobbed.
for hours.
i hurt one of my best friends.
i turned off everything i was feeling because i was afraid of it.
i'm afraid to be sad.
i'm afraid to feel.

i'm the most emotional person i know.
when i feel, i feel deeply and fully and passionately. and when i hurt, my whole being hurts. my heart hurts and my body hurts and my mind hurts. i hurt.

and last night, after my fantastic, amazing date, all i could think about was him. he who has hurt me over and over. he who, on a daily basis, makes me feel like an absolute idiot, over text and on the internet. he who, in every way possible, is completely opposite of me. he's logical, i'm emotional. he's collected, i'm all over the place. he's chill, i'm a spaz. but, he who makes up for all my weaknesses. he who tells me i'm being stupid, so i can change. he who, on a daily basis, shows me that life is about the small things. about a picture. about art. about thinking. about family. all these things that we have at our fingertips, but many of us take advantage of. 

and he's right there. right there. just outside of my reach.

so i went on a date,
had a great time,
realized after that it was a bad idea,
then spent the whole night crying.
almost did something stupid,
didn't (yay me.),
and now.
here i am.
i feel lethargic.
heavy.
apathetic.
dead.

and i secretly wish i was.