some deep stuff written on paper.

"fuck the pain away". that's what he said.
and he meant it.
fuck it, drink it, shoot it, smoke it, snort it, cut it, binge it, purge it all the fuck away.
get high. relapse. that's what i've always done.


but not this time.
i'm stronger than that.
i'm scared, yeah,
of course i'm scared.
i don't know how to deal with life without getting so wasted i can't remember my name.
i've never had to deal with life without slicing into my skin just to feel the physical pain.
or gotten so high i didn't have a care in the world.
and it's been hard.
it's be hella hard.
do you think it was easy to admit that i have a problem to the only person who i want to be perfect for?
do you think it's easy spending everyday wondering if i'm going to be happy tomorrow?
do you think it's easy to have approximately 3 friends?
do you think it's easy knowing i messed up the only thing i've ever really wanted?
do you think it's easy dealing with all of that?
cause it's not.
it's not easy.
and there have been MANY times i just wanted to go get as high and drunk as i could and pass out for 3 days.
but you know what?
that's not going to help me.
when i wake up 3 days later, 
i'm still going to be in the same position.
i'm still going to be alone.
i'm still going to be in love with him.
i'm still going to care way too much about what other people think.
i'm still going to be messed up.
(maybe even more so)
i'm still going to be me.
no matter how much i wish otherwise.
not to mention the fact that he would be sooo mad at me.
and i'd have to go back to rehab,
and i'd probably be more fucked up than i already am.
so i'm not going to do what i've always done.
i'm going to be strong.
hold my head high and say,
"you know what,
i'm bigger than that.
i don't need drugs,
or alcohol,
or self-harm,
to make me feel better."
i'm happy just the way i am.
so,
i'm going to make a promise.
to you,
to me,
to him,
and to anyone.
i will be drug and alcohol free. 
i will try my very hardest to stop cutting myself. (butterfly project, here i come:))
i will do everything i can to be as happy as possible.
and i'm doing it for me.
not for you,
or for him,
or for anyone.
for me.
because i am learning to be strong.
i am learning to love myself, just the way i am(: