it's not nice when girls die.

it hurts.
it hurts a lot to lose someone you love.
this post is not going to mean anything to anyone but me, 
but i need to get it out.
i knew this girl,
and she just so happened to be my best friend for a long time.
i met her in rehab,
and we instantly were inseperable.
we were going through the same things.
dealing with addiction, 
and lost love,
and broken families.
she was, and in many ways, still is,
my BEST friend.
she's the one i went to after..
4 break ups.
3 relapses.
2 hospitalizations.
and she's the one i went to 3 weeks ago today.
she's the one who came to the emergency room when i took one too many pills.
she's the one who tried as hard as she could to talk me out of what i was most afraid of.
she's the one who, when i got my diagnosis, was there for me. i cried on her shoulder and she held me and told me it was going to be alright.
she's the one i went to all the times i needed someone to understand.
she was the most amazing girl,
and i love her to death.

that was 2 years ago.

i found out yesterday that she has killed herself.
this came as hard news to me,
as this is something i have been thinking about a lot lately.
life is so fragile..
teetering on the edge of a blade,
or one more pill,
or pulling one trigger.


how could this happen to such a bright, wonderful, amazing young girl?
the same way it happens to the rest of us.

now, people are coming to me.
her family.
her doctors.
her friends.
asking me "why?"

they don't know that
the harder question is "why not?"
I just can't believe she ran out of answers before me..


((i swear that if one more person says,
"i'm sorry for your loss."
i will scream.
i am sorry for my loss too,
but bringing it up every other minute
doesn't help anything.
thank you.))