but the old me is dead and gone.

i was just thinking about you,
(nothing new there.)
and i just had the thought,
"why? why did i meet you? why did i love you? why do i still?"
why?
because God wanted us to.
why? 
because I do. I love everything about you. I love your nervous twitches no one has noticed. I love your scars. I love the way you let me borrow your clothes. I love how you're so tough on the outside, but such a sweetheart inside. I love how you helped me through very hard things. I love your dedication to your friends and family. I love the love you have for basketball. I love the way your eyes light up when you talk about your childhood. I love the way you walk, like you always have somewhere to be. I love the way you always know what to say. I love the way you care about people. I love the way you can always find a song to describe how you feel. I love how romantic you are. I love how you never cared that I was the cheesiest person in the whole world. I love how you opened my eyes to a new way of life. I love how you showed me Jesus, and taught me who I really am. I love how my family loves you, and you love them. I love the look you had on your face when you asked me those 2 very important questions on May 27th 2011. I love how you aren't afraid to be yourself. I love how you make me want to be the best I can be. I love how you always know what to say to make me feel better. I love how you call me beautiful and make me feel like the prettiest girl in the whole world. I love how you are so creative with everything you do and how you make like interesting. I love how spazzy you are sometimes, and how you can make anyone smile, even when they're having the worst day. I love how smart you are, and how I can actually have an intelligent conversation with you. I love how you convinced me I was important, and that like really is worth it. I love how you showed me I have to be okay on my own before I can be in a relationship. I love the way you smell, even after you've played a full basketball game. I love how you cooked for me, even when I told you I wasn't hungry. I love how you went with me to the hospital. I love how you were always there when I was crying. I love how you tried so hard to deal with me. I love how you carried me when I hurt. I love how protective you were of me. I love how you were my first love. I just love everything about you.
why?
because you can't just let those things go. you can't just give up the best thing you've ever had. you can't just forget the only person you've every cared about more than yourself. there has never been a person i have cared about more than you; there has never been a person i have tried so hard to keep around. there has never been anyone i have loved more than myself, anyone i've ever been willing to die for. because. i. do. and i always will. i don't think i can just let those feeling go.


and now,
you have her. and that's really great. you're dealing with feelings, and that's wonderful for you(: i'm so glad you found an efficient way to do so. i have found my way too(: i got a job, i am painting a lot more, i am dancing again. i am even working on doing that racing thing i told you about. it's amazing. and hopefully, someday, i'll get a second chance. well.. 3rd? 4th maybe? a chance to prove to you that i really do love everything about you. but until then, i'm going to work on me. because i need to. i need to figure out how to deal with my brain, and my life. if you want to be there for the ride, then that's the best news i've ever heard(: if not, that's okay too. i'll just pray everyday that God will show you that I really am trying. i really am working on it. i really am the girl you fell in love with, somewhere under the layers and layers of emotion. and i'll be back, you know. that girl you fell in love with, the strong, confident one? yeah. she's coming back. i hope you are ready(:


the old me died when i tried to die. she died when i had to be strong. she died when i tried to get rid of it all. now, the new me is here. and she's strong. she's tough. she's been through hell, but survived. she's holding on, and never letting go. she's going to show the world what she's capable of. be ready.


p.s. sometimes, i sing the song i wrote for you. and i cry a little bit. and then i smile and remember the times i told you i would someday sing it for you, but got too scared. i shouldn't have been scared, this song is damn good(: