and then, i woke up.

One of the scariest feelings in life is when you realize you aren't afraid to die. You don't look when you cross the road anymore. When you take pills you take however many come out. You're not afraid when you hear those creepy creaking noises in your house anymore, because you hope they'll get you. You seek out dangerous things, because you want to die. You stop caring about yourself, totally and completely. Nothing about you matters anymore, and at some point you look at yourself and become scared of yourself. Because you're a monster, one who only hurts itself. And that's scary.


but, you know, it takes a big person to walk away. it takes a strong person to leave everything you've ever known. for me, that meant getting new friends. that meant locking myself in my room so i know i can't run across the street. that means keeping all knives, scissors, razors, etc. locked in a cupboard. that means talking to brenda. being honest with brenda. telling brenda, a complete stranger, all about my fears and thoughts and what i think of people and what i think of myself. 


that's scary.
opening up is scary. but it's something we have to do. it's something everyone has to do. trust someone. and if you haven't, open up. it's the most exhilarating feeling in the world. knowing you don't have to carry the weight of that burden alone. someone else is helping you. even if you just tell God. that's what i did for a long time. say, "you know what? i'm not strong enough to do this on my own anymore. please help me." that's when life starts changing. that's when you learn who you really are. that's. when. you. stop. being. afraid.