spending time with God puts everything else in perspective

i've had a lot of time to think.
now, most of the time,
thinking is not good for me.
i think far too much,
about things that i have far too little control over.
and it stresses me out.
and i have mental breakdowns. 
and it's bad.
but, sometimes, 
i need to stop and think.
think about me.
where i'm going,
where i've been.
who i'm with now,
who i want to be with.
what is important.
and i realized what is important.
family is important.
God is the most important.
friends are pretty important too,
but not as important as family.


these past few months have been hard for me.
but now, we know what's wrong with me,
which is good.
we know we are on the road to fix it.
also good.
but i learned something for myself.
family is ALWAYS there.
even when people you thought would never leave you,
leave,
your family still loves you.


i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
it's not fun,
but it's something i will live with.
i'm getting help.
and some people in my life don't want deal with me.
with my ups and downs.
and that's okay.
i don't blame them.
it's really hard to be like this.
i don't even want to know how it feels to deal with me.
it must be so hard.
so i don't blame them.
i can't.


some people have really tried.
my cute friend brought me a little christmas tree.
that way my room is a little more..
christmas-y?
since i have to stay here for christmas and all.
my mom's best friend came and painted my fingernails.
she found out i had ripped off my acrylics,
and they looked gross.
so she made me look pretty.
this really great eagle scout brought me a blanket on my first night.
i couldn't sleep.
i didn't have my penguin.
it was just a not so great night.
and that blanket helped so much.
so many people have tried.
some haven't.
some gave up before they had the chance.
some just don't care.
to those people, i say:
i wish you could know how it feels to be me.
but you can't.
and that's okay. 
it's something i have to learn to deal with,
something everyone around me has to learn how to deal with.
it's going to take time.
it's going to be hard.
but i can do it without you.
and hopefully you'll see the change.
i hope you can see i'm changing,
and that's i'm trying.
because that's all i can do.


p.s. happy birthday Jesus. 
thanks for always being there.
thanks for the gift of family and friends.
thanks for every little thing.
thanks for accepting me for who i am.
thanks for showing me the feeling of being love.
i don't ask for any material gifts,
only the gift of happiness.
thanks for showing me how wonderful my life truly is.
thanks for all the love, care and blessings.
i truly am blessed.
thank you.