dear world,

i am over it.


yes, that's what it boils down to.


i'm so emotionally drained i can't take anymore.


well,
today is my first day back at school all week. i took some personal days. i was also sick, but the doctors just think it's my body's way of dealing with stress. and i have had more than my fair share of that in the past few weeks.
my poor penguin... 
it's been squished too too much.
all the stuffing is dying.
i've already had to sow it's head back on like 3 times because it's dying.
but...
i can't let it go...


this sick feeling in my stomach is going away..
well,
sort of.
haha
everyday it's going away more and more.
it's getting easier to be around people.
eating, well, that's a constant uphill battle.
but good news!!
i ate 3 meals yesterday.
just like roy told me to...
but i didn't do it for him.
i did it for me.
for my body.
for my health.


and you know what?
he lost me today.
i'm gone.
i hope he knows that.
i'm done hurting.
and me sticking around,
trying to impress him, 
and make him happy..
well, it's killing me.
i'm done.
no more talking.
no more anything until he can decide what the fuck he wants from me.
i'm done. 


emotionally, i can't take anything else.
but you know what?
God is on my side.
He knows what i'm going through and He's helping me through this hard time.
i don't need someone who is just going to hurt me.
i'm not trusting in someone who is so imperfect.
and you know what?
i'm done.
i'm going to leave.
go to college.
open my very own cafe,
and be happy.


no, i won't be getting married,
i can't.
no, i'll never have the family i always wanted,
because of decisions WE made. 
it was my choice too.
probably more than his.
and i'm sorry to him to ruin this for him too.
but we made that decision together,
and, therefore,
it affects both of us.


i'm going to be happy you know.
i'm going to live my life, because i can.
and i have no reason to be anything but perfectly happy(:


love always,
she who needs no one,
meghan carpenter