notice:

it has been brought to my attention that my blog posts seem...
bipolar?
sort of flighty?
idk.


i'm here to confirm this.
they are indeed.


when i go through something hard,
such as this past week, 
or month,
or year really,
i have mixed feelings about everything.
i often times change my mind about how i feel.


for example:
this whole boy situation.
(that's what my last 3 posts were about)
first 2 posts, i was doin' good.
barely even hurt to look at him.
i saw that he was happy and i was content with that.
i was having a good day,
only hurting a little.
then i got home.
and i started thinking.
(as i have mentioned before,
that's not good for me.
ever.)
thinking about what i used to have.
what i messed up on.
again. 
how much i wanted that back.
and i fell apart.
i was strong,
then weak.
but i got back up again.
the next day,
i was fine.
we even exchanged words!
gasp.
i know.
and i was feelin' good. 
side note: shakespeare was awesome(:
(i love the sonnets.
especially right now.
so many of them perfectly describe how i feel.
it's a wee bit strange.
but lovely:))
anyways.
i was havin' a great day.
wonderful even.
i would dare say blissful!
i made 200 cupcakes in about 2 hours,
i think i should be on cupcake wars now,
didn't even have the urge to text him.
(great feeling. by the way.)
and then,
i decided to go to the basketball game.
BAD idea meghan.
bad bad idea.
at first,
i didn't think he was going to be there,
and it was wonderful.
i cheered for my wonderful maeserites.
we won(: by a lot.
and then he did come.
he came and sat right across the gym from me.
and every time the ball dribbled by him,
a little piece of my poor heart got pinched off,
and thrown aside,
making me physically sick.
that sucked.
then, meghan, not me, duh,
had to leave early.
i told her no biggie,
and that i'd find another ride.
only problem is i didn't.
and then, 
i walked outside to talk to watabe,
and got locked out.
so i sat outside in 15 degree,
december in utah,
see your breath,
it's way too cold to be outside in this,
why the heck don't i go somewhere warm,
like the prison that's right there,
or something
weather.
for an hour.
waiting for my darling parents,
who then yelled at me for being irresponsible for another hour,
then, they decided to take it out on the school,
it wasn't the school's fault. 
at all.
and i explained to them that they couldn't do that,
that i handled the situation,
and that it's not their fault,
so we basically just screamed at each other for another hour,
and then,
i went home,
crawled into my warm bed with 9 comforters,
no joke,
3 pairs of socks,
2 sweatshirts,
and 4 pairs of sweatpants,
snuggled the only stuffed animal i've ever slept with,
pulled my covers over my head,
and,
instead of crying,
i prayed.
i prayed for strength.
forgiveness.
wisdom through my trials.
patience.
the ability to forgive others.
i prayed for roy,
and for my parents,
and for my friends,
for my school,
for the president,
for anyone who is struggling.
i told God of my struggles,
my insecurities,
the way i was feeling,
and i could almost feel Him nodding His head,
reassuring me that He knows how i feel.
"And, behold, I am with thee, and I will keep thee, in all places withersoever thou goest."
Genesis 28: 15 
He was there for me,
and instead of me falling asleep crying like i have for the past 2 weeks,
i fell asleep, smiling,
because i know that even when i feel so alone,
and so cold,
and so afraid,
He's there.
His arms are around me, 
and if He's there,
i don't need to feel lonely.
i am strong,
warmed with His love.
i don't need to be scared,
the Lord will show me all things in time. 
i just have to have faith in His timing,
trust He knows what's best for me,
and be grateful for what He has helped me through.
which is a lot.