i just told a lie.

i told her i didn't have the desire to kill myself anymore.
so she would stop questioning me.
she didn't notice my sad eyes,
or my delayed response,
or how i stuttered.


no one ever does.


we're all walking around with these glossy eyes.
"i'm just tired." we say.
and it's the truth.
we are tired, but not from lack of sleep.
we're tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to.
tired of going to be exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment doing.
we're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us, even though there are dozens of people around.
but why can't we just say it?
humans are so afriad to look into each other's eyes and say:
"i am unhappy.
i am broken and hurt.
i'm hopeless and falliable."
we've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness,
saddness with coldness,
lonelyness with unworthiness,
difference with disease,
as if these feelings are contagious,
as if ambivilance is something to be feared rather than felt. 
well, i say screw all of that.
screw forced smiles,
and polite handshakes,
and "i'm fine, thank you"s.
screw the fear of crying in a public place.
screw the fake chipper voice.
screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems.
we are human.
we are meant to feel.
to feel everything and feel it openly.
we are not metal - we are flesh and bone.
we are intricate and beautiful,
and we should never hide our human parts,
because, if we do,
what's left to show?


i really do think that's what's wrong with the world.
no one says what they feel,
they always hold it inside.
they're sad, but they don't cry.
they're angry, but they don't scream.
because if they do, they feel ashamed,
and that's the worst feeling in the world.
but why should you feel ashamed for doing something that is very natural, and what you were made to do?
why?


so you know what?
this is me.
i'm really moody,
i scream and kick and cry when i'm hurt.
sometimes, well, actually, a lot of the time,
i'm simply not okay.
i have bipolar disorder and it makes me life really hard.
i do not let go easily,
even when everyone is screaming at me to do so.
i am in love with a boy who hates me.
i'm a lot of fun sometimes,
one of the best things about bipolar disorder,
but i also do stupid things.
i really shouldn't be able to make decisions when i'm up or down.
all i want is for someone to try to learn what it's like to be me, so i don't have to explain what's going on all the time.
i am going to marry someone who tries to help me through my ups and downs, because, i am not going to be dependent on medication.
i cry. a lot.
i get hurt really easy, because i have trouble trusting people.
i've been hurt many, many times. 
if i trust you, you are important to me.
if i trust you, you better not hurt me. please..
i have dependency problems. it goes along with my bipolar (addiction problems, dependency problems, etc.)
i am not a healthy girl. i can't eat, sleeping is really hard. 
i'm broken, inside and out.
it's really hard being me, and all i want is for someone, anyone, to want to know what it's like to be me..
most people don't. 
someday, i'll find someone who does. 


i've hurt people because i didn't know what i was doing.
when i was either manic or depressed, i have said things, and done things, that i shouldn't have done. 
i have made decisions that will affect people forever.
i've made decisions that will affect me forever.
i just pray everyday that those people i hurt will forgive me, because i honestly had less of an idea of what was going on then they had.
so, if you're reading this, and you know who you are, i'm sorry.
from the bottom of my heart.
i didn't, and still don't to be completely honest, know what is going on.
i'm just as confused as you,
but i hope you forgive me for hurting you.
i didn't mean to.
i hope God gives you that understanding.