here's the fact of the matter. the person you care for the most is the person you'll hurt the most.

i wish i had the guts to tell you everything that's on my mind. everything i wish i had said. everything i wish i had done. i wish i could get it all out on paper and not have it eating at my insides, my mind, my heart. but i can't. i don't know how. and it kills me. but brenda says i need to try. so i'm trying. 
everytime i catch you looking at me (which is a lot.) i fall for you a bit. and everytime i catch that you're reading my blog. or when you asked sky how i'm doing. or i'm telling mr k about my recent hospital adventures and you have a look of real concern. like you actually care if i live or die. and those are the times that i get super confused. and you won't acknowledge that you're acknowledging me. that's the most frustrating thing. you're ignoring me to my face, but not in any other aspect of the definition. that's frustrating. 
but then, around other people, or whatever, you hate me. talk about me. tell them all the stupid things i've done (which, i am aware are plenty. quite numerous). not to mention how you're completely confusing my friends. you're just being completely confusing to everyone. it's almost like you care but you hate that you care, so you pretend you don't. that's what it is like. 
and it hurts. it hurts unlike most other pain i've felt. because i'm not happy. and you, someone who could help me make myself happy, still care. but you're burying those feelings. that's frustrating. 
but, i do love you. and i guess that because of such, i have to let you go. let you be happy. let you love her. i hope she's perfect and gives you everything i couldn't.. i still love you, and i always will. i promised forever and i meant it. just remember that. 
he had already ripped some tears out of me without my permission and now, here i was obsessing about the psychological origins of his behavior as a way to seem more detached that i really was. i was secretly terrified that the dumb girl inside of me might actually want him back...