maybe i should stop on in, say a prayer, talk to God like i know He's there. oh, i know He's there.

have you ever woken up, on just a normal day, and wanted to die? have you ever felt like nothing was right and everything was wrong and it would just be so much easier to end everything? end the hurt, end the pain, end the backstabbing, end everything? i have. just barely. 
yes, i made mistakes. i made big, stupid, selfish mistakes. and i prayed until my voice was gone and my willpower was weak and my heart felt so much guilt and sorrow that i couldn't stand it, and then i prayed some more. and i was forgiven by the only one it matters that i be forgiven by. my God. 
He's my best friend. 
i've had quite a few people ask me how i can still go to school, keep my head up, and smile when the people i am smiling to all hate me. when everyone at the school knows i messed up and everyone knows how "crazy" i acted and how insecure i am and how messed up i am. wanna know my secret?
every single day i pray for strength and a forgiving heart. i pray that today isn't the day i break down in school. that today isn't the day i give up on loving people. yes, most of these people have judged me before they even knew me. but that doesn't mean they're not God's children. He loves them, and so should i. so i do. and most days it works. most days, i put on a real smile and smile at the adversity. smile at the trial. some days, it's much harder. the smile isn't as genuine and i feel angry at these people, wondering how in the world they could hate me so much, when they haven't even spoken a word to me. and then, i pray again. "God, grant me strength to go through this day, give me peace in the sight of my trials, and give me an open and forgiving heart, because Lord, they don't know what they're doing to me. they don't know that they're hurting me. so forgive them, and forgive me for feeling anger towards them. i love you Lord." i pray for wisdom to know what i need to say. i pray for Christlike love, love that doesn't discriminate, love that loves those who despise you. that is what i pray for. everyday. in my car. right before school. because i know i can't get through the day without it.