Don't waste me. I'm your one and only love.

i am so confused.


so very, very confused.
i just want him to show up at my house and say,
"just kidding. i love you meghan and i want you to be my everything. i want you in my life. i want to help you get through this hard time. i want to love you."
i want him to call me and say he was sorry and that he didn't know what he was giving up.
i want him to take this pain away. this eating in my stomach that won't go away. this shattering of my heart that i can't make stop. yes, i'm strong. i don't need him. but i want him. i want him in my life. i want to share my life with someone who loves me, the way i know he does. why can't he see that he wants that too? 


i just want to know what he thinks this is going to accomplish.
he's miserable.
i'm miserable.
can't he just ask for me back?
because we both know i'll be there, 
arms open,
just waiting. 
i want him back so bad.
i just want HIM. 
all of him.
the sweet, kind, caring part,
and the angry, punch things part.
the comfort me part,
and the don't know how to help part.
the wrap me up in a hug part,
and the go play basketball part.
i just want him.
i want to hug him, 
and cry in his shoulder,
and tell him all my fears,
and help him feel better,
and root for him, 
and make him happy,
and love him.


i want to love him with all of my heart, and make him happy, and give him everything that i am, and help him through anything. i just want to love him..


i don't want to be his best friend. i don't want to be his second option if no one else wants to hang out. i want to be his everything. i want to be his girl, the one he holds hands with and tells he loves her. 

i know he loves me. i know he cares. and i know he thinks this will be good for him, but from the way he looked today, i really don't think that's true. he's tearing himself up over this, and he's really hurting. not when other people are around, or when he's with dustin, but i can tell in those rare moments when he's alone. when he doesn't need to be anything for anyone. and that's the roy i know. the one that honestly cares about himself enough to say "hey. i'm really struggling with this". 


so, if you're reading this baby,
roy, i love you.
i love all of you,
every single part of you,
the good, 
(i'd say the bad and the ugly but there aren't really any of those).
i love you for you,
for all of your personality,
for your love,
for your forgiveness,
for what you are,
for what you are trying to be,
for the love you have for Jesus,
and for your family,
and for your friends,
and for everyone in your life.
i. love. you. 
all of you, 
and i'm not ashamed of that.
i will never be.
i.love.you.roy.beltran.
and i miss you so much it hurts. 
i promised forever,
and i keep my promises. 
so, when you need me,
when you're struggling,
when you need someone to talk to,
i'm here. 
when you're falling apart,
and it feels like no one else is there,
i'm here. 
always.
and forever.
just like i promised.
because i meant it.