today is a day that, along with a few others, is very difficult for me.
today is a day that i will not only remember, but have proof of for the rest of my life.
today is the one year anniversary of an attempted suicide. a life wanted to end. a friend, a savior, pulling a 15 year old girl out of a very dark place.
i'm meghan carpenter.
i'm a teenage girl trying to live a life that isn't mine.
i'm a survivor.
and this is my story.
one year ago.
from the outside, i looked like i had it all together.
my hair was perfectly in its place.
my makeup showed no signs of the tears i shed.
i dressed the way many teenage girls did.
my crisp new uniforms were hanging in my closet.
my new backpack was all packed with school supplies, anticipating the first day of my junior year.
i looked, by many standards, normal.
the epitome of a teenaged girls perfect summer.
but if you knew what to look for, i was by no means normal.
when you take health, you receive a handout.
"warning signs of a suicidal teen"
i must say i laughed a little when i saw this.
because if i would have given this handout to my parents,
to my friends,
they would have all seen it coming.
"excessive moodiness or sadness"
yes.
for 7 months leading up to this day, i had been a bitch.
totally pms-ing every minute of my life.
it was BAD too.
"sudden calmness"
this day, july 16, 2010, was the calmest day of my life.
i had decided 3 days prior that i was going to end my life.
my mind was set on it.
i was totally subservient that day.
i was cordial to everyone who said anything to me.
i smiled for the first time since before i could remember.
i felt weightless.
because i knew something they didn't.
i knew it would all be over in a few hours.
"changes in personality or appearance"
i wore short shorts for the first time in my life.
i actually cared that what i wore was "fashionable" for the first time.
i cut all my hair off.
i dyed what was left.
it should have been obvious.
"dangerous or harmful behavior"
not that anyone knew, but i had been cutting myself for 7 months at this point.
i was very good at hiding it.
"making preparations"
i said a final goodbye to my friends.
i cleaned my bedroom.
bathroom.
boxed up many of my belongings.
labeled them "to DI" so no one would be suspicious.
i was ready to go. honestly.
i woke up on july 16, 2010 knowing it would be my last.
i was excited even, as morbid as that sounds.
i knew it would all be over in a few short hours, and that, that was the most refreshing feeling ever.
i knew i wouldn't have to deal with life anymore.
i didn't have to deal with expectations.
drama.
rumors.
nothing mattered anymore.
i woke up and went to the gym.
i ran 12 miles that day.
i came home and showered.
picked out my best dress.
did my makeup very nicely.
curled my hair.
and then, when i was about ready to fill the bathtub, my cell phone rang.
it was a very good friend of mine.
it read, nothing special, "hey meghan. wanna hang out? i miss you!"
never before have 8 words meant more to me.
i didn't want to.
i hated the idea of prolonging this.
but i decided it was better to wait until later.
i'd do it when my family was all asleep.
i can honestly say i had the best day that day.
we painted.
we went to the dollar store.
we loaded up on snacks.
we saw the a-team.
we played with chalk.
and we talked.
i didn't tell her everything.
i didn't need to.
someone cared about me.
someone wanted to know how i was doing.
and that was enough.
but i didn't realize that until it was too late.
i went home.
i ran a tub full of water.
i cried a little.
but this is what i wanted...
i took the knife out of the kitchen drawer.
i laid down in the tub of water, with all my clothes.
my hands shook as i pulled the knife across my legs.
carotid artery.
i learned about it in school and i knew that if i just pushed hard enough, i'd bleed out, and the wet air would help speed it up.
i had it all figured out.
i remember cutting it the first time.
and the second.
i remember the blood.
i remember the pain.
i remember feeling so alive, but so close to death.
i remember getting dizzy.
i don't remember my mom finding me.
i don't remember the ride to the hospital.
i remember waking up, 2 days later.
i remember the guilt i felt looking at my mom and dad, so exhausted.
i remember all the teddy bears and flowers that covered hospital room.
i remember the sadness that came after that. knowing i couldn't even control the one thing i thought i had control over.
but i also remember the happiness that i felt.
why would i ever leave these people who care about me?
why?
because i was selfish.
i was greedy.
i was only worried about myself, and not what my decisions did to others.
now, i don't know for sure, but i'm pretty sure i wouldn't be here today if that friend hadn't have asked me to hang out.
not because she said anything that hit me hard.
or because she took the knife out of my hands,
cause she didn't.
but she made me wait until the evening.
she gave my parents the opportunity to find me, that maybe, just maybe, wouldn't have happened had my plan have happened as planned.
but more importantly, she let me know that someone still cared.
she made it harder for me to dig that knife into my leg.
she made my thoughts wander.
so, to that friend, thank you.
and to anyone who is struggling.
to anyone who doesn't know if they can make it another day,
i'm here to tell you that no, it's not easy.
no, you're not going to wake up one day and everything will be better,
because i would be lying if you did.
all i can say if that it's worth it.
i know what it's like to be in a very dark place, where nothing seems to be worth it, and no one understands what you're going through. nothing seems to make you feel better and life is just hard. but it. gets. better. i promise.
think about those of us who have done it.
think about those who your decision will affect, cause it's not just you.
it's your whole school.
it's your family.
it's everyone other than you.
suicide is not the answer to the problem.
it;s a permanent answer to a temporary problem and it's scary for everyone involved.
get help.
talk to me.
talk to your parents.
talk to someone.
and know, there is always someone who cares.
i can honestly say i had the best day that day.
we painted.
we went to the dollar store.
we loaded up on snacks.
we saw the a-team.
we played with chalk.
and we talked.
i didn't tell her everything.
i didn't need to.
someone cared about me.
someone wanted to know how i was doing.
and that was enough.
but i didn't realize that until it was too late.
i went home.
i ran a tub full of water.
i cried a little.
but this is what i wanted...
i took the knife out of the kitchen drawer.
i laid down in the tub of water, with all my clothes.
my hands shook as i pulled the knife across my legs.
carotid artery.
i learned about it in school and i knew that if i just pushed hard enough, i'd bleed out, and the wet air would help speed it up.
i had it all figured out.
i remember cutting it the first time.
and the second.
i remember the blood.
i remember the pain.
i remember feeling so alive, but so close to death.
i remember getting dizzy.
i don't remember my mom finding me.
i don't remember the ride to the hospital.
i remember waking up, 2 days later.
i remember the guilt i felt looking at my mom and dad, so exhausted.
i remember all the teddy bears and flowers that covered hospital room.
i remember the sadness that came after that. knowing i couldn't even control the one thing i thought i had control over.
but i also remember the happiness that i felt.
why would i ever leave these people who care about me?
why?
because i was selfish.
i was greedy.
i was only worried about myself, and not what my decisions did to others.
now, i don't know for sure, but i'm pretty sure i wouldn't be here today if that friend hadn't have asked me to hang out.
not because she said anything that hit me hard.
or because she took the knife out of my hands,
cause she didn't.
but she made me wait until the evening.
she gave my parents the opportunity to find me, that maybe, just maybe, wouldn't have happened had my plan have happened as planned.
but more importantly, she let me know that someone still cared.
she made it harder for me to dig that knife into my leg.
she made my thoughts wander.
so, to that friend, thank you.
and to anyone who is struggling.
to anyone who doesn't know if they can make it another day,
i'm here to tell you that no, it's not easy.
no, you're not going to wake up one day and everything will be better,
because i would be lying if you did.
all i can say if that it's worth it.
i know what it's like to be in a very dark place, where nothing seems to be worth it, and no one understands what you're going through. nothing seems to make you feel better and life is just hard. but it. gets. better. i promise.
think about those of us who have done it.
think about those who your decision will affect, cause it's not just you.
it's your whole school.
it's your family.
it's everyone other than you.
suicide is not the answer to the problem.
it;s a permanent answer to a temporary problem and it's scary for everyone involved.
get help.
talk to me.
talk to your parents.
talk to someone.
and know, there is always someone who cares.
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