blast from the past.

i have a dream last night where i literally relived every minute of my last relationship. worst dream i have ever had. i was doing so well at repressing it, but now, i have been reminded off all the shit that has happened to me because of him. 
i don't love him and i never did. i didn't know what love was. yes, it hurt when he left, because, not only did he leave me at the worst time of my entire life, he was my best friend. yes, it sucked to have to see him everyday that  i was hurting, macking on his new girlfriend. ((he said 3 months was a short time... damn...)) but, i never loved him. he was there for me when i needed him, and in my worst times, he walked away. sooo, he never loved me either. 
and besides, i love skyler more than i have ever loved anyone in my entire life. ever. i know, you've heard it before, but it's true. he's the best, most loving, caring, compassionate, courageous person i have ever met, and he's stronger now. he's my very best friend, and, in all honesty, the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. and, you know how the quote goes. if you fall in love with 2 people, choose the second, because, if you truly loved the first, you wouldn't have fallen for the second. 
so, roy has something i can't ever get back. we have a connection and it sucks and it hurts everyday. ((don't have sex before you're married guys. it's just not smart. you get pregnant, and then you cry all the time, and, if that boy were to leave, which they most often do, you have a connection with someone you probably don't want to even remember.)) he was my first ((consensual)) and i was his first. and you know, it sucks, yeah, but my husband is going to love me anyways. so, in all honesty, all i lost was time. not just the time that we were dating, but the time i spent moping over him, and the time we were best friends, and the time it's taken me to finally realize what a true... character he is. the 11 months i got caught up in my High School Musical romance. but that's not for me.
now, he's a wonderful boy and i wish for him nothing but happiness. i still pray for him everyday, for courage to stand up for what is right, for strength in adversity, for compassion to those around him, and for happiness. but i also know, i can't have his influence in my life anymore. he has some things he needs to work on, as do i. skyler talks about him from time to time, things he has taught him, etc. and i tell him to be quiet. i can't handle it right now, and, quite honestly, i don't care to listen to anything that comes out of his mouth. maybe he has some divine truth for me, but if he can't say it to my face, i have no desire knowing what he has to say.
so, these are my thoughts. take with them and do with them what you will.
like i said, i have thoughts, i have feelings, and i have things to say. if you don't like it, fine. no one is making you read this. if you don't like me, then fine. leave. spread rumors. make fun of me. i don't care what anyone thinks. if i did, the maeser rumor mill would have destroyed me a long time before now.