sometimes life doesn't make much sense.

you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you thta he loves you, but he loves you. and you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. 
you're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't have a name for.

guess this is just how life goes.

concussion. 
tear in my esophagus.
it's just been one of those weeks.

but i can't go on my date tonight.
i keep getting dizzy.
BUT i want tucanos so bad,
i might drive down there myself.
goodness.
 

untitled.

take my hand
and take my whole life too.

maybe we're just kids who grew up too fast.

mistakes were made.
consequences are being dealt with.
and it sucks. 
a lot.

in other news:
one of my favorite songs to work out to:
Eyes On Fire-Blue Foundation.
i never knew it was so violent. 
wow. haha 
listen for yourself.

 

you're flawless.

i'm falling guys. hard.
and i'm terrified. 
but i can do this.
i know.

if you know me at all, 
you'd know that i have spent the last 2 years stuck on the same boy. 
crazy huh?
but he met his dream girl, and he's happy.
and, oddly enough, i'm happy for him. 
honestly.
i am.

but i met a new boy.
and i'm not going to say i'm in love,
because chances are i'm not. 
but i think i like this feeling.

his name is cole.
we met at school,
he's in my criminal justice class.
he has blonde hair, and blue eyes that you can just get lost in.
he's smart, and he's not afraid to tell you how he feels.
we've had some pretty intense debates.
he doesn't mind that i've made mistakes.
big ones.
he wants to meet my parents and brothers.
he asked me on a date.
we're going to see side effects. 
so stoked:)

i kind of feel like i am in junior high again.
giggly, giddy, girly. 
but, you know, i like it.
i like that i feel this way about someone else.
i honestly didn't think i ever would.

in other news: i have some huge decisions to make.
but i talked through some things yesterday and i feel 20 million pounds lighter.
it was funny,
i didn't even know i was angry.
oh but i was.
angry enough to cry.
but it's all okay now.
people change.
things happen.
and i understand that now.

we're moving.
in 2 weeks.
it's pretty crazy packing up high school.
all the memories.
all the memories...
i haven't gotten much packed.
i've mostly only sat in the middle of my bedroom and cried.
something reminds me of my penguin.
something reminds me of my grandma.
something reminds me of when i was happy and normal.
something reminds me of before the mistakes...
then i wipe off the tears until i find something else.
i never knew how many memories i had in this room.

but it is going to get better.
i just have to keep that in mind,
and i can get through the day. 
i can get through any day.