Dear Favorite Douchebag,
I am writing to you to end our little FWB relationship. It was fun until you turned into a douchebag. Here are some reasons why you’re my favorite douchebag:
Lies
You’re such a good liar. Or that’s what you seem to think. You and your “sorry I didn’t have my phone on me” texts can’t fool me anymore. I’m a girl and I have FBI-level cyber stalking skills. I saw you tweet (via mobile) those dumb lyrics to a song you were listening to. I saw on my Instagram activity feed how you liked that bimbo’s photo. The new photo you just filtered the shit out of even popped up on my Instagram news feed.
Telling me you can’t meet up because you “have an early meeting tomorrow” is also a big pile of steaming crap because you never wake up before 1 in the afternoon.
Sex
Yeah I’ll admit the sex was pretty good. Okay, really good. But get that thing away from me.
Mind games
The biggest reason you’re a douchebag is because you play mind games with me. Don’t you dare text me at 2 am asking “whats up” and then tell me you’re “too tired” to hook up. What was the point of that? I’m pretty sure I’m already borderline crazy but you bring out the Alanis Morissette crazy in me. We are supposed to be FRIENDS with benefits. You can’t just treat me like shit and expect me to come crawling back (even though I do).
Even though I hate your guts right now, I want to say thank you.
Thank you for making me hate myself so much for crawling back to you every time.
Thank you for turning me into a mega stalker.
Thank you for transforming me into a crazy, jealous, bitter bitch.
But mostly, thank you for showing me I deserve more.
Love,
Your (Former) Friend with Benefits.
Ps. Your dick’s so small, you could screw a pasta strainer.
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