sorry

"I sat there and stared at you. I just couldn't understand how such an amazing person could be in my life. And then all of a sudden I got extremely scared. You kissed me, and told me not to worry, there was no way you'd ever leave me. I felt a sense of comfort. I believed you. That is, until you left."
i believed in him. i believed he would always be there, you know? just like he said he would. was i really that stupid? that naive? i don't get why i keep doing this to myself. every time i fall for someone, i always end up on the losing end, the one who hurts after. and it sucks, you  know? i lost a friend in the situation, and all he lost was me. which isn't much, but it is some thing, isn't it? aren't i good enough for anyone? pretty enough? smart enough? spontaneous enough to keep someone's attention for even a little bit? i just don't understand why i do this to myself. every time something really bad happens. and every time, i go on trusting someone again, and i get hurt. again. i just wish my life could be easy, just for one time. maybe i trust too easy, forgive too easy, but you know what? that's who i am. i have been hurt way too many times, but if i have the opportunity to have some thing great happen to me, i'm going to go for it, just because i haven't had anything great happen to me before. just because i need some thing good to happen to me for once. is that too much to ask? for a guy who isn't a jerk or weird or a stalker? someone who is not going to hurt me? someone i can put all my trust in and then not regret it later? i just need that guy... that one guy who i know isn't gonna hurt me, and the one who will be there for me, like i've thought all those other guys were gonna do. all the guys who hurt me. 
i don't even understand love. it's illogical and irrational, makes us do stupid things, like trust people. how can that ever be good? "just wait for the right person meghan," i keep getting told. well, what if the right person for me doesn't even exist? what if they died in some freak car accident with i was 2. what if they don't even notice me until i'm on my death bed? what if i'm gonna be 90 and never have gone on a date? what if?? what if it never happens? cause at the rate i'm going, it's not going to. 
I just don't understand people's fascination with love. "all you need is love". WRONG! love just an imbalance of seratonin and dopamine, 2 chemicals in your brain that are also traced to causing severe mental disorders. there are many things i need alot more than love, like water, and food, and a hole in my head.
well, that's all i have to say. my vent for the day. i love you all. 
always remember to smile. 
you are beautiful. 
love, me